Anxious AGAIN!!!

My grandma used to say about me "she was a worrier the day she was born" and indeed i do get these two little dimples above my nose whenever i worry, pre 30 they used to disappear but post 30 they seem to be there to stay!

Well it seems that my mind is playing nasty tricks on my again ;-(

As most of you know by now i am due to have 2 major operations on my feet/ankles in the new year rendering me wheel chair bound and needy for at least 6 months, they are so badly painful and disfigured now that if i don't have these ops then by this time next year i will not be able to walk any longer ;-( I'm 30, have the rest of my life ahead of me and just got married, i owe it to all of us to try, not doing anything would be the cowards way out!

it seems that in order to protect myself mentally from the thought of what is awaiting me next year i am finding new things that aren't actually real to worry about...

Last night was my first night alone since i found out about my feet and i didn't get to sleep till 4am convincing myself that i couldn't breath! Everything thing seems so much worse in the middle of the night! I went to see my GP this morning to get checked out and EVERYTHING checkable is fine, he agrees that my mind is just playing anxiety tricks on me ;-(

I hate being me at the moment...

Do any of you have the same mind games?

Love Ella xx

9 Replies

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  • Oh yes ella,we all do at times. I won't go back to see the surgeon who stitched my ligaments because he said if he opens me up again i will walk with a straight leg. My gp must have had an off day when i saw him last as he said i've got to live with my the way it is, whatever it is. All i want to know is what is wrong with it. I have nights when everything justs goes round and round all night long.

    Let us know when you go into hospital and we will send prayers your way for a successful outcome. You'll be fine.

    Sylvi. xx

  • When I read blogs like yours it does put my RA in to perspective, your so strong.

    After all you have been through you're worrying about what your mind is doing at the moment which is understandable for sure, but you are who you are because of the past and the hurdles you have overcome.

    Women do seem to have this inner strength far beyond us males, which never cease's to amaze me ... and do not hate being you, YOU ARE a special person, just ask your family :)

  • Things are always worse at night. I 2nd Pete you are an incredible lady, The short time in the wheel chair will be worth it to carry on walking xx

    Surgery is scary , I hate it too, but lots of people on here are with you and support you as do your family.

    Enjoy christmas and keep that mind occupied xx

  • I don't know what op ur having but I had a triple fusion arthrodesis in oct and even though I find convalescing difficult, staying easy as such, I am truly pleased that my ankle is again alighned to my foot. The op was 99 percent pain free, just first night v sore. I hav 2 scars one side of ankle and arthroscope holes x 2 on other side andalso horizontal scar on heel. all totally heAled in 6 short weeks. I had no infections, and in the most part said on rheum meds . The recovery period for my op is six months, but I am actually able to walk in walker boot quite well now!!!

    I will probably need the other ankle done next year, and would have no hesitations, my ankle not falling in anymore, the r a in a nutshell devoured tendon, bone andligaments in no time causing the damage.

    I spoke to Ailsa in Nras she gave me great tips, and if your op similar, we could have a chat or exchange pms?

    Regards, Gina

  • Isn't this just a great place for support?!

    And yes I second Pete - I was feeling sorry for myself because my hands are both on fire with pain all day today and I can't work (am a freelance artist) which drives me insane! Maybe women who have been through childbirth do have a different pain threshold but I don't think we are inately stronger - i know as many men who suffer from depression as women?

    But you are strong and the operation will pay off - only today I bumped into someone who has had two knee replacements and she was looking and feeling as good as new. It takes a worrier to know one and I'm the biggest fretter in our household (probably neighbourhood) so from one worrier to another just enjoy Christmas if you can and get advice from all those on here who've had the same op. Take care. TTx

  • Not alone Ella, on Saturday I couldn't sleep till 3.30 am. Got 2 hours, woke in the dark to find it was only 5.30. Back to sleep about 7 till 9 with horrid dreams that involved my greatest fears overwhelming me! Spent Sunday feeling like a worn out tea towel! I look like one now too! Best of luck with it all my dear.

    Charlie x

  • Hi Ella,

    I recommend Rescue Remedy and Rescue Remedy Night - the night time one stops an over active mind and the daytime one is to 'comfort and reassure'. Great for exams, driving tests etc I first came across it when working with actors who suffered from stage fright.

    It's plant based, from flowers, and has no interactions with other medications. You have to keep taking it (drops or mouth spray} every 4-5 minutes until you realise that you've forgotten/fallen back to sleep because you're not feeling anxious any more.

    It's from the Bach Flower Remedy range and you can buy it in Boots and other chemists. I always keep some in my work bag - it's good for emotional shock too. I've used it myself before identifying a relative's body and at my Dad's funeral. It doesn't stop you feeling - just helps you feel more grounded and in control.

    Cece x

  • Ella

    I think your anxiety is normal(i'm the same) and things always seem worse in the middle of the night.Your having major surgery with a long recovery period but hopefully the 6 mths will be worth the improvement in the quality of your life for many years to come

    Let us know when your op is and try to enjoy Xmas

    Love and Best wishes

    Julie

  • Thanks Gina

    Yep they both are ankle arthrodesis, left foot arthroscpically (hopefully) and a tendon replacement and right foot is a ankle arthrodesis but open as the deformity is too bad for keyhole ;-(

    I had the triple arthrodesis last year but i think my feet need the ankle done before i see the benefit??? I too can't wait for my feet to look more normal (lets face it feet are never pretty:-)

    Thanks for letting me know about the hints, i'll pm you nearer the time if thats ok?

    Glad to hear you have had good results ;-)

    Go fusion bregade ;-)

    Ella xx

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