12th DEC 2018-01-12
Today I am feeling overwhelmed and have an urge to cry but the tears won’t come. At first I thought I was depressed but then realised it was sadness and frustration.
This is my fifth day with severe gout. It started on Monday and three nights I was kept awake with pain. I could have avoided this if I saw my doctor earlier but I hoped I could treat it without meds. How wrong I was. It just got worse and my foot was like a football. By the fourth day I knew I had to see my GP. My son was ill as well and he had to drive me with a heavy flu to the doctor’s office followed by a trip to the chemist to collect my wonder cure of prednisolone. Within hours of taking the med I was starting to feel pain free and the foot improved slightly. My son is usually my nurse when I get bouts of gout but he was unable to help me much this time. We were both in the wars.
This is my eighth attack in a year. It seems to come once a month now. When the gout attacks I lose time in my life as I am bedridden. It is so hard to yield to it. I think about all the chores that are not being done ... all the clothes washing piling up.... I am down to my last pair of knickers..... and I have a lot of knickers! The dishes didn’t get done for days.... my son and I managed to do them last night. The Daddy-long-legs are having a field day... laying their eggs in every corner and roaming about without fear of my vacuum cleaner sucking them up. (I hate vacuuming them and always tell them how sorry I am). They have laid their eggs in my shower recess and I worry about how to remove them to the garden. It seems they have worked so hard to find a place for their offspring. I am sick and feeling very sensitive.
I managed to go outside and collect my sons washing and put a small load of my underwear in the wash.
I am on the couch wondering why my embroidery is giving me no enjoyment today even though I know the meds are kicking in and I will be well within days. My courage is petering out. Life has lost meaning. All I have to do is surrender to the moment knowing that this won’t last but I have lost so much time this year being unwell. I lose touch with friends and family and wonder how I will make up for lost time.
It takes a lot of working on the mind to get through acute illness. Once the acute pain is over... one would think it is easy sailing. But it is not..... A kind of grief sets in. I feel like I am in a parallel universe where everything has changed colours..... I feel displaced..... I feel I have lost my momentum...I feel abandoned by life it self......put aside..... Never to find my momentum again.... or my routine. I have to tell myself that I have got through this before and I will again. This time I have a large supply of my wonder drug. The GP gave me enough for at least 6 months. That has taken a lot of the fear away and I won’t get caught out without immediate treatment.
Early in the week we bought a kilo of cherries and I ate them until my stomach said “no”. I was so sure the cherries would help! They didn’t! Only gave me a tummy ache and loose stools. I think you are supposed to eat them as a preventive measure but who can afford to eat cherries every day. Not me! My son also made me celery and cucumber juice. Celery is supposed to be good too to get rid of the uric acid. I suppose I left it all a bit too late.
So I am sitting here, longing for a clean house, longing for some energy, longing to get well. I am reminding myself that others get ill as well and have to manage.... they are out there .... today... just like me.... we haven’t met.... but we are in this together. Whoever they might be.... I pray they might find the courage they need to get through. Courage and hope...... good ingredients to foster healing.
Today I cling to hope....and I am mustering up a bit more courage! I just need enough to get me through today.