Advice Needed on dealing with in laws family.

[Hobbits]

Hoping someone can offer some insight. I have RA, Crohns, Endometriosis, Chronic Fatigue.

I entered a new relationship in 2014 and

Married in 2017.

(back story) A few years ago, hubby invited his parents on our very first vacation. He told me after he invited them. We had a 2 bedroom cottage. He gave his mom and dad the big bed and hubby and I had a small bed. Hubby snores all night. I did not sleep. Out of exhaustion I fell asleep around 6pm the following evening and didn’t wake up until the next morning. Hubby slept on sofa. My in laws left the next day. Hubby told me that they thought I didn’t like them. When I asked why, he said because I went to sleep and missed dinner/social in the evening. Ungh.

For the past four years we have travelled every Christmas to my in laws home approx 3.5 hours away. We drive there, visit, and come back home. This means 7 hours of driving in one day. If I stay over, it means I won’t be sleeping at all. I also do not sleep in same bed as husband. He snores very loudly. Most people do not know we do not sleep together. I chose to drive back home for my own comfort and sanity.

For some reason my in laws will not take my ‘no’ as an answer. When it’s time for us to go home. My four in laws, hubbys mother, father, sister in law and brother seem to embark on a campaign to force me to stay over. Often they wait until my hubby is in the bathroom or a different part of the house.

There are comments made to my face, more comments muttered from one to the other, loud enough that I can hear...this goes on from the time I state we are heading home, until we literally go out through the door. It looks like the sister in law is going to cry because we are not staying, it’s a look like I am causing her so much hurt. By the time I am in the car I am fighting not to start crying. My hubby will not day a word.

I told him what was happening and he admitted he actually heard his dad trying to tell me to stay over, when hubby was in next room.

I asked hubby about his history. He told me him and his ex wife used to stay over. So I am assuming the family is trying to recreate what they had with my husbands former wife, with me.

Hubby had been single a long time and often stayed over for days. Now that hubby is in s new relationship with me they expect me to do the same.

Now, to put things in perspective. They travel to see us 2 times in past 4 years - we have gone to see them 8 times.

They came for our wedding bbq and stayed 4 hours and went home. We offered them to sleep over but they wanted to go back home before it got too late. I respect their choice and when they say they don’t want to sleep over, that’s fine. I would never feel a need to harass them to stay, and make them feel like crap for not doing so.

So each visit that we go to see the in laws I feel like I am ganged up on and bullied by 4 adults, and hubby is part of it because he stays neutral but lets me know I’m marking the wrong choice by his silence.

I will add that my sister in law also has RA. I don’t think her disease is anywhere near advanced as mine, because if it is, I would think she would understand the pain and discomfort of sitting visiting for 8 hours.

Does anyone have any perspective as to what’s going on?

Honestly, I don’t understand and I am trying to be understanding.

[Gnarli]

Old joke. What's the difference between in-laws and out-laws? Outlaws are wanted.

You have my deepest sympathy as in-laws can make life very difficult and I'm speaking from bitter experience. I think you are going to have to talk to your husband and tell him how difficult they are making your life, that you are prepared to visit but not stay over and if they continue to pressurise and bully you he can jolly well go by himself. If you could also talk to the in-laws and say the same you could feel better. If they get upset just remember how they make you feel. I probably sound harsh but putting up with this situation will probably make you more unhappy and effect your relationship with your husband and that's not fair. Hugs

[Hobbits in reply to Gnarli]

Haha! Got a belly laugh!

You don’t sound to hash. You state it as it is and I appreciate that.

I have spoken to hubby, but he is tight lipped. He seems to not want to get in the middle.

I have wanted to speak out to the in laws, but there is four against one, on their home territory and I feel outnumbered.

I will speak to hubby again. If he won’t support me, then he can go visit by himself. I don’t have the energy to go through this every Christmas. I give up seeing my own son on Christmas four years in a row, so my hubbys parents can see their son, and my brother and sister in law can stay at home with their college grade children for Christmas Day.

Thank you so much for your frank post. It’s what I needed to hear. I just s vine guess myself cause there are so many in laws all on one side.

[Gnarli in reply to Hobbits]

I married a widower with three children. Believe me, I know what it's like to be outnumbered and feel that my own children have not had enough of my time and attention. I have a showdown with them scheduled in my diary because their behaviour toward me is unacceptable and if their father won't do something, I will. Good luck sweetheart

[Hobbits in reply to Gnarli]

Thanks Gnarli! Good luck to you too! 💕

[AgedCrone in reply to Hobbits]

Life is too short to put up with this.

Buy Ma in law a nice bunch of Christmas Holly & send her darling son Home to Mum for Christmas...after all you don't want to be there do you?

Buy yourself your favourite treat, invite your son round, get some friends in & head towards the New Year relaxed.

When hubby returns thank him (!) for letting you have a relaxing Christmas, & cook him his favourite meal.

He just can't stand up to his Mum...most men can't ....maybe next year he just might.......if he sees how nice & calm life can be without the annual toxic performance. Start planning 25/12/18 NOW!

If he doesn't get the message, just repeat the procedure until he does!

Good Luck!

[Hidden]

Sympathies! I think people have a tendency to revert to old dynamics when they go 'home' to their family of origin. Maybe your OH was always a 'good boy' and did what his parents wanted. And fair enough they are his parents and he wants to spend time with them. However, as a grown up intelligent woman you can be clear where you stand to him and to them. Try to say what you want to say and know you have said it. Its perfectly reasonable to find the journey too long and sleepless nights insufferable.Whether they like it, tough. Its very clear that many people have no understanding of the effects of autoimmune diseases at all, and I know two people who have hardly been affected by their RA. You are not making a fuss, or being difficult or unfriendly, just trying to look after yourself, which is commendable in my book! All the best!

[Hobbits in reply to Hidden]

Yes, he’s just like that. He still looking to please.

I just wish he could be my hero and support my decision when the four are all ganging up on me.

His silence makes me feel so alone.

I guess he is stuck in the middle and being his wife does not entitle me to be defended or supported.

[Hidden in reply to Hobbits]

Can I be honest?

He was looking for someone, who can fill the position when his previous marriage broke down. Did he explain to you as to why and how his previous marriage had ended? He"s a coward, not standing up for you.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

ouch...

[Hidden in reply to Hobbits]

I think he owes his allegiance to you. He is in an uncomfortable 'middle' place but he has left home now so should surely put you first. i hope you find some place of compromise that is OK for both of you.(Never mind the rest of them).

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Common sense tells me the same. I agree, I mean, the OP has been compromising on her part to put this chap and his family first. Mould is set. He's used to seeing her bending backwards to put him first, please him and his family (whilst she may have been neglecting her own family as a result). If you haven't looked into how the previous marriage went wrong, it may be worth looking into. Maybe, there was the same pattern, repeating. Another question is. Are you co-dependent? He snores a lot and you do not even sleep together. This happens and it's okay but he also passive-aggressively side his family by keeping himself silent. No action means he loves you? I guess not. He's loyal to his family, and maybe, you are not his main, but someone to look after him and being a good caretaker. Time for the reassessment.

[Shalf]

He sounds like a big baby and very selfish. Be kind to yourself first! The more you try to please some people the less you are thought of anyway!

Stay strong x

[Amy65]

Hi I know how u feel family's. I don't c my son and grandkids because his wife hates me .long story but I stopped giving her money she's always skint uses the kids as a weapon .my hubby had a stroke neither of them called or helped in anyway .lucky we have our youngest son at home he helped .We cut our losses and looked after our selfies life is to short and ra is very hard to treat I have so know how u feel.let us oh go on his own put it self first hugs Amy x

[Mach13]

Hi HobbitsS

Someo of the following mite be useful, and some well. it might not... Ive come to realise that 'One size definitely doesn't fit all' when it comes to empathising with other people's life experiences and this feels rather complex. This is going to sound simplistic, it's not meant to be... but really the detail for a solution has to come from you and your husband as there are so many nuances to consider.... So this is just about approach

My advice would be to talk it through with your husband with a view too agreeing on a plan to help his family to understand and get a reality check Or not.. ie by not I mean just agree to accept the current status quo because that's just how it is.

If it were me... Which of course it isn't...

Id choose the most understanding and reasonable one of the bunch and invite them to my home for a short holiday to get to know them well.

Have a prepared approach which you both feel comfortable with which explains the truth about why you find it difficult to stay...

Don't make it the focal point of the visit, just let it occur casually.

Make sure conversation starts with positives about the family and what you enjoy about your visits... then introduce the reasons why you can't stay (try to be brief and to the point), it would be better if your husband was included in this... make sure you come came back to the positives and finish on them. ( In marketing it's called the price butty approach. Positives benefits Cost. Positives benefits)

Be honest as you have been here about the snoring etc... It's a common issue. let them see how your health affects you. Above all let them see how much you both care for each other.

It's not an overnight, single visit fix. It's about building relationships, on your own turf on shared terms and letting them get to know you.

If it's important to your husband he will help you find a way to either deal with it.

The important thing (for me) would be to ensure we both don't lose perspective and proportion. in the scheme of things where does this thing sit in terms of our relationship/ friendship?

I hope there is something here in the variety of comments you receive that you can draw from.

[dbestdeb]

My advice is to let hubby go see his family alone. Sounds like your relationship with them can’t get much worse anyway. That way he can stay over if he wants and you get some time to do what pleases you. Problem solved.

[Hidden]

That's how I see it but clearly, that's not what HE wants. The reason why I mention co-dependent. When a man is what Shalf describes as:

"He sounds like a big baby and very selfish. Be kind to yourself first! The more you try to please some people the less you are thought of anyway!"

This one (above) is so true! I also see that the dynamic is quite toxic when you end up pleasing and not really enjoying, you do things out of obligations. I couldn't bear a night with a man like this, snoring. Believe me, I wouldn't.

[Hidden]

Hey Hobbits,

There are quite long and involved explanations as to what is going on. Your feelings are correct. The only answer would be for your Hubby to stand up and insist that you two go when you need to. However, there is a fear that he can’t do that, because it’s his family. We all understand the struggle of dealing with family.

Christmas is a notorious time for these issues to raise their ugly head.

If it was me, taking relationship and love into account, I would be suggesting that you and Hubby have a Christmas celebration at home (on a different day, if need be), and he goes off to the parents on his own. Following year, you two celebrate on the day, in your own home and invite the In-Laws. Likewise for any other events.

You’ll either have happiness and your very own Christmas every 2 years, or he’s going to wake up and put the foot down on his Rellies.

Because, you’re absolutely correct, you are being bullied and your dear hubby is struggling to deal with it - and that’s no criticism, it’s a difficult issue for people to deal with, being torn between 2 different sets of love/family. Cheers Deb

[Farmgal1958]

Oh, I’ve got you beat dear. I write this from bed , wearing a back brace , taking muscle relaxers and Vicodin for multiple herniated discs. I’m 60 with RA, multiple spine problems, and in need of 2 new knees. I am at my mother in laws Lake cottage for 2 months as I have been for 20+years. I am her summer “ help” ... flowers, marketing, cooking, light house work etc...

I hobble around much of the time, downing pain killers to get thru the day.

She is 93 and in remarkable health! Out every day playing bridge etc...perfectly mobile.

If I’m not here or not serving princess adequately, she is quite cold to me. Once I had pneumonia and she wouldn’t talk to me! My otherwise sane and good husband is blind to this , feels caught in the middle and wished I’d just shut up about it already when I complain to him.

I think he’s afraid she will leave this 2 million $ heap to his brother if we are not here and they are! Ps hubby golfs everyday, then they play bridge in the porch.

I know this is OUTRAGEOUS!

But, money does strange things to people.

I’m tired of fighting about it and have decided to do what I can around here and not worry about pleasing her anymore.

Sorry, I hate long posts but how nice to vent here, thankyou!

[GranAmie in reply to Farmgal1958]

oo u needed a vent - bless..hugs too

[keeta]

Hi love .i do feel for you .i can imagine how anxious you feel months before a visit .you must dread it.

Its in their interest to make you feel one of the family .but thats not happening.and anything you do will make them close ranks. All this stress will make you ill.and you husband should be aware of this and put you first.

So only one thing for it .

Hubby needs to grow a pair

Hugs to you .kathy xxxxx

[GranAmie]

JUST AN IDEA - cd you write to them expressing thanks for their various kindnesses? / invitations and explaining that you can't face the pain and exhaustionof the long journeys any more. Post the letter yourself to be sure it goes

Then b4 they get the letter Explainto him Face to Face that you can't face the pain and exhaustionof the long journeys any more. Send him to them for Xmas with flowers and a pressie for them. If you are ok with him staying there overnight say so - if not, say nowt.

Then plan for your kind of day, inviting son etc.. for a short relaxing visit. don't make it a long day or u cd be accused of being sneaky if hubby arrives back ... good luck XOX

[GranAmie]

ps - new yr at home for u2 if u'd like that?.. EARPlUGS? xox