I find myself suffering periods of extreme anxiety! What is frustrating is trying to isolate the cause.
I have stopped all opiates, Methotrexate, and have not taken Prednisone so not a drug reaction. I am anxious about Rituxan infusion. I agreed to do it but I not sure I should have. But not what I feel is cause.
On a completely different note is social relationships.
My sister decided to call again. Her strategy when upset is to stop talking to you. We did not speak for fifteen years. After I returned to Ontario re mothers dying we reconnected. My father passed within six months and there was conflict with remaining two brothers re parents estate. So I began legal proceedings for her but decided it was not worth the stress and dropped it. She just will not let it go. Now on her 60th her daughter sent her to a psychic. This woman has convinced her she was talking to parents and dead siblings! She had to call and share the details! This was ten years ago so I have no interest in contacting my brothers over what I view as nonsense. I was hoping she would just go away , again but no such luck.
I moved to ensure my child had a chance at a normal life , whatever that means lol
I realize that despite having a very social career I have carefully avoided intimate relationships. The people in my life now know nothing of the chaos which was my life in Ontario. My cousin was murdered , cold case but they suspected my son’s father. My niece was abducted and murdered at age 11. Then a serial killer , who killed nine Canadians, dumps a body behind our house then got stuck. He came to get help and the body was found the next day. He was captured in the US then extradited back to stand trial here twenty years later.
I know, crazy 😜I lived this and cannot begin to explain how complicated life was. Amidst this madness my oldest brothers wife commits suicide and he followed suit two weeks later. I inherited his troubled fifteen year old. It just goes on and on. My father was a violent, abusive alcoholic. So very challenging relationships. My siblings will always believe I abandoned them. I guess I did but for my own survival. I put myself through University and have multiple degrees and solid career (past tense). My saving grace as a child was intellect. My parents resented it as well. It is difficult to explain the dynamic but simply stated I suffer survivor guilt. The easiest way to cope was to put it all behind me. I do not want to constantly rehash the past. Is that wrong? She also refers to our parents as your mother or your father lol She is the eldest but I am elected care taker! She is so like my mother I find it difficult to be around her.
Or so I thought...I am now realizing that I shut everyone out. My husband of fifteen years knows almost nothing about my past. He grew up in a very loving home. I do not share details because he could not relate to it. His first intro was my mother’s death. Wow, talk about overwhelming lol I just do not see the need to focus on ancient history. Is that wrong? Am I being selfish or practicing avoidance ?