I discovered that the Dad, the dearest most loving and protective Dad a girl could wish for, is not my biological father. My birth was registered 2 years after my birth and the dad I knew is my named father on the certificate… but it’s a lie.
I feel devastated, yet it has answered so many questions.
The family medical history changed overnight.
My darling brothers and sister are actually my half siblings.
My life story is in many important ways different …. and at 65 that is mind blowing.
I know very little about my biological father… I want to know more about him, factual stuff, not sure how much at the moment, but it’s a can of worms that cannot be closed.
Go gently… I’m trying to
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Brushwork
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I cannot imagine how you must be feeling right now and send some of my warmest and supportive wishes to you. Perhaps take a moment, take a deep breath and think about how and if you want to try and find out more. I don't know your circumstances but while you are in this state of shock, bewilderment etc don't rush into things straight away. Perhaps make some enquiries into may be a service that could sign post you to receiving some support/ talk you through possible avenues to explore or that may be able to support you emotionally as you say at 65 you feel all you thought you knew and understood has changed and trying to process this must be so hard. Perhaps your local authority has a post adoption service who may be a starting point, be able to offer some help or at least signpost you to information or other people who could be of help. In the meantime, take things gently. Take care xx
Oh goodness, what a nasty shock for you! I understand you want to know more about your biological father but take your time and let it sink in. I hope you find the answers you need. x
I can only imagine your sense of shock, B, but my word, what a loving man your 'dad' to all intents and purposes, was to have loved you so much that you hadn't a clue that he was not of your flesh and blood. He was your dad in more ways than one which makes him even more precious than you ever realised before. I'm sure you don't doubt that for one minute. I can understand why you need to know about your biological father and I hope that you can get all the details that you want. I wish I had some advice as to how you could go about it, but I'm afraid I don't. I hope that you will find some answers soon. Good luck with your search. With love and Blessings, Knip.❤️🙏
Your dad is your Dad. Your siblings are your Siblings. I appreciate you feel like your life has just exploded, but it is just biology.
That must have been such a shock and I'm not surprised you feel so shaken. Family is so much more than just biology though. I understand that quite a large proportion of people are not biologically the child of the man named on the birth certificate but the man who raises them is still Dad
So sorry to hear of your situation. I suppose your parents felt that it was best not to tell you. As would have been usual years ago. But with genealogical research now such discoveries as yours are not unusual apparently. But love and care and family life and memories are the real basis of what makes us who we are and who are our ‘real’ parents, Wishing you a calm voyage through this stormy sea
The man who brought you up and you loved is your dad. The other is three minutes at best. Be kind to yourself and remember you are the great person you are- I know this from your posts. Sending positive wishes to you 🌻
It sounds like your family you’ve grown up with will always be your family and the rest is a niggly/unsettling rattle in life’s gear box... go steady and know you’re obviously loved by those who matter 👍🏼I’ve got to ask this... does the info you’ve just got mean that you’ve also discovered that you’re 2 years older than you thought?? 🙁
Having been lied to all of my life, while my aunts, uncles and many of my older cousins knew the truth is a bit more than a rattle. It doesn’t change that I was loved, but there were flaws and inconsistencies throughout my life, I asked so many questions and was ‘fobbed off’ with stories that didn’t add up. I always wondered if I’d been adopted.
I knew I was born 18 months before mum and dad married. My birth certificate has me born in 1957 but the birth wasn’t registered till 1959.
I’m the only one with no resemblance to my dad….
I’m a little angry because I asked questions and was lied to. I was also denied the opportunity to find out about my biological father, to whom my mum had been engaged and then decided to not marry him.
I’m going to visit my mums oldest surviving brother to ask more questions.
That must feel like a betrayal. I'm sure your family thought they were protecting you but they went about it all the wrong way didn't they? It must have happened a lot back then. Family secrets swept under the carpet
It did happen a lot. Quite a few times in my very large family, but in every other case the child involved knew at some stage. My large family of uncles, aunts and many older cousins all knew that my Dad is not my biological father. That just makes it so much worse.
It was one of my surviving uncles who gave me a bit more information, I am going to visit the other one on Friday. I really do want to know more.
It has transpired that mum was engaged to my biological father until she met my Dad, then sent his ring back to him. This makes me think he must have known that I exist.
I can empathise a little bit. Up to the age of 24, I was under the impression my parents were married and living together when I was born. It came out I was the result of a last hurrah having got together to sort out the finer details of their divorce plans. Of the 8 years they’d been married when I was born, they’d actually been separated on and off for almost 6 of them in total, before splitting permanently when I was two. No biggie, but not the story I was told for years and years. At 30 I needed to prove my right to work for the first time, so I requested my long birth certificate from the registrar where I was born having never seen it before, and that’s when more came out: the father’s name was blank. My maternal grandmother had some years previously loudly implied my mother had had an affair, but you always took anything she said with a massive shaker of salt, so I’d dismissed it. Now with a blank where I expected to see dad’s name, I asked mum ‘any chance he’s not my father?’. She laughed nervously, went quiet, and then said ‘no. But…would you be upset if he wasn’t?’ 👀 She followed that up by telling me my dad hadn’t even told his parents she was expecting until after I was born. It also came out that she’d been living in a catholic unmarried mother’s home, despite being married, in a completely different part of the country to all her family and everyone she knew. It was all very odd. My dad and I weren’t talking at that point, so I wrote him a letter asking him if there were any doubts. His reply? I’m your father, but even if I wasn’t, I’d still love you. So neither of them allayed my concerns to any truly meaningful degree. My suspicions were then multiplied when mum let slip that they spoke on the phone for the first time in 20 years a matter of days after dad replied to me asking about paternity.
If I ask for a DNA test, it will cause an absolute explosion, but I look nothing like my dad, and strongly suspect he may not be biologically related. I have medical history that normally runs in families that neither side of my family have. My daughter has a life limiting genetic disease requiring a faulty gene from each side, and my parents could be tested to find out which of them the gene came to me and then her through (95% sure it was maternal due to a couple of young deaths on that side in the 1920s/30s that would fit), but both have outright refused testing, which when you consider there are numerous cousins and the hell we’ve been through with the child, seems extremely strange in my opinion. In combination, all of these things make me suspect there probably was an affair at the very least. I’ve resolved to waiting until my dad dies to do a dna test and find out for sure, though; that’s the only way to get answers without his consent, and he won’t consent.
People have asked me what difference it would make when he’s been in my life, but it’s not about the difference, it’s about the right to know who I am and where I’ve come from. It’s also about trust and honesty. There have been so many lies over the years about the circumstances and what went on, most of which were only revealed completely by chance - I don’t know the truth would ever have come out otherwise. That said, anyone can father a child, but being a dad is more than that, and it sounds like your dad was there for you in all the ways that count.
Be gentle with yourself, but I think things like this are actually much more common than we think, particularly pre paternity test times.
Dad met mum, she had my sister, nearly 3. She had refused to give her up despite being put in a Mother and baby home for 6weeks for that purpose.
My Dad married my Mum and had his name put on her birth certificate as her Father before I was born but in the same year. My other sister was born the following year.
We were brought up as full siblings by two loving parents.
At school a teacher did a lesson about eye colours, two blue eye parents cannot have a brown eye child, well guess what my sister had. I wasn’t having that.
Needless to say my parents had to tell her then as she was 4 years older in secondary school.
To my sisters credit she never wanted to know her Father, as he never wanted her or my Mum. Saying then anyone could be a Father but she only ever had one Dad.
My Dad loved us all and always insisted from the very first that my grandparents and his brother and sister understood that she was his.
My sister died at 32 and it broke all our hearts, my Dad ages ten years overnight.
We never knew her Fathers medical history but her children are healthy young adults with lovely children.
That desire to family is so strong though as my mum tried to find her Mum for 60 years.
Wishing you love and happiness and the answers you want to your questions.
I guess I wouldn’t feel so betrayed if I hadn’t asked so many questions which were answered with fabricated stories that didn’t make much sense. Now found my biological father was actually engaged to my mum. My mum sent his ring back when she met dad!
Does it matter ? I see a different side to this from personal experience. Your dad is the person who loved you, bought you up, rubbed the dirt from your knee when you fell off your bike and taught you to swim and sometimes drive. I can see you loved him a great deal so does who donated sperm or was a mistake your mum made and lived to not even regret as she had you even matter one jot. There is an old adage its that its wise man who knows his own father and ok you only have half the genes you thought you did but then you have the half you do know. This subject is one I find a bit worrying after seeing the programme on the TV the other week about a man who donated sperm and wanted to find his offspring, if any. To me that is a book that must remain totally closed as it would or could cause complete devestation in families that way back had no alternative but to go via AID to hopefully get a much wanted baby. You sound like you had a good childhood and should hold onto that and hopefully you will come to term with this knowledge very soon. I think your world has had a shake but its not an earthquake. And I'd add that way back things were not so open as they are now so we probably should not see what happened then in the way we do now. 65 years ago things were very different. It does sound like your mum was one brave lady and that your parents thought they were doing what was best for you. Please don't think you've been betrayed or lied to as people might have been trying to do what you're mum wanted and were simply protecting her and your dad.
I understand that but in the UK doesn't a birth have to be registered with a month or so was this a changed certificate ? Lots of questions I do understand and sympathise with you. And I just sincerely hope you find some resolution. And that he wants to see you , if that is what you want. x
I read Lenny Henry’s autobiography a while back. The same happened him and he didn’t find out until he was an adult. I hope your search brings you some answers x
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