Missed christmas, had good new year but since then hubby and daughter got flu. I am bored, out of my skull! Sick of people being sick! Sick of me being sick! THe only thing people talk to me about is being sick. Sick as a dog , sick as a parrot!!

So I need cheering up pleeze and I know I can rely on all of you.

Would you tell me a joke each? Even better if they are about doctor doctor jokes!

50 Replies

  • You have to say this out loud for it to work...

    A piece of string goes into a pub, and asks the barman for a pint of bitter and a ham sandwich. The barman says, "No, sorry, we don't serve pieces of string."

    So the piece of string goes outside and hurls himself down on the pavement and throws himself around, gets filthy and full of loops, before picking himself up and going back into the bar. He goes up to the barman, and asks for a pint of bitter and a ham sandwich. The barman says, "No, I've already told you once, we don't serve pieces of string. Now just get out of my pub!"

    To which the piece of string replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot."

    It's my favourite joke, and I like to perform it with actions and voices and everything.

    Hope it helps,

    Dotty xxx

  • Some Tommy Cooper classics. You have to read them in his voice.

    I rang up the local building firm and said "I want a skip outside my house", and he said "Well I'm not stopping you!"

    I ate a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

    I met this bloke with a didgeridoo. He was playing Dancing Queen on it and I thought "That's Abbarigonal"

  • Ha ha hah x

  • Hi A, Like yourself not had any good times since mid Dec just pain pain and more pain, the way i feel all doctors are a joke sorry for not cheering you up. I will make it up to you promise.Matt

  • Lol doctors are a joke! Well u have cheered me up just by commenting Matt xx

  • What do you call a lady with egg and bacon on her head? Cafx

  • ?no?

  • Cafe!! Cathy? Lol

  • Lol

  • A man was walking along Blackpool seafront, when he saw a notice that said.."I.ll give you £1000 if you can make my donkey laugh...£20 to enter. So he walks up to the little grey haired man and says..."here you are then £20 says I can make your donkey laugh.

    The man walks over to the donkey, whispers something in the donkey's ear and the donkey starts to laugh, he laughs so much he falls on the sand doubled up with laughter.

    The man walks over to the grey haired man for his money.

    "How did you do that? No one has been able to make him laugh?"

    The man refuses to tell him and so walks away with his £1000.

    The next day same man walking along beach sees notice..."I.ll give you £1000 if you can make my donkey cry"

    He walks up to the grey haired man and says "I.ll make him cry for £1000.

    "I.ll let you if you promise to tell me how you did it.

    So guy walks over to the donkey and the next thing...the donkey is sobbing his heart out..tears flooding everywhere.

    The guy walks up to collect his second £1000.

    The grey haired guy says.."remember your promise...I.ll give you the money if you tell me how you did it.

    " I will tell make him laugh I told him I had a bigger willie than he make him cry I showed him. e

  • Ha ha ha I got that one! Nice of you to do another lol

  • You've probably heard these before:

    Q: What does a nosey pepper do?

    A: Gets jalapeno business!

    Q: What do you call a fake noodle?

    A: An Impasta

    Q: What do you call an alligator in a vest?

    A: An Investigator

    Q: What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?

    A: Every morning you'll rise and shine!

    Q: "What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?"

    A: "You can't tuna fish."

    Q: Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?

    A: The lettuce was a "head" and the tomato was trying to "ketchup"!

    Q: Did you hear about the hungry clock?

    A: It went back four seconds.

    Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?

    A: Spoiled milk.

    Q: Did you hear about that new broom?

    A: It's sweeping the nation!

    Q: What do lawyers wear to court?

    A: Lawsuits!

    Tee Hee Hee xx

  • Lol ha ha

  • Not very good on jokes I'm afraid, but thoughts are with you. xx

  • Aww, same as me rubbish at one liners, but thanks and the ones above are good aren't they?

  • Yes I agree!

  • Wish i could say something to cheer you up,but sadly i can't as i feel down myself. Sending you a hug

  • Thought you had been quiet, should have realised, hugs to you too! xxx

  • Sorry you feel down Sylivi...I'm fighting the tears constantly still, I don't seem to be able to stop them..I'm hiding away from people at the thing I reckon...I hope you soon start to cheer up honeyx

  • Mary have you started anti depressants yet?

  • was a new doctor I saw this weekend so didn't want to appear a baby to him by goin on and on. I'm a bit frightened to take them too. I'm on amatriptyline 25mg at night and zoplicon 7.5 to help me sleep but I to tend to take those during the day when pain is really bad..I know I'm a bad lady. Thank you for your concern I know you all have your own problems.xx

  • Oh Mary hugs hun xx

  • Thank you xxx

  • And we all care about you. You are not a baby, you are going through a serious chronic illness and depression. I do think you need to have that chat though as he might be able to balance the tablets better. There are hundreds of anti depressants and they are very very useful, you still have your worries but you feel like the weight is lifted off your chest. Do think about it, as you will feel so much better in a couple of weeks.

  • Thank you I will talk to him about it.xx

  • Hugs xx

  • I definetly echo all that Allanah has said. Please, as I said last week, see your doctor, lay it all out on the table, he has heard all kinds of things and won't be judging you, just will want to fix you! OK? He will coordinate the meds you ave with whatever he feels will help. One thing though...You really need to take them as thy are directed to be used. Research, which we all benefit from, tells them how meds can be best used.

    Hate to see you struggling so, that lovely mind needs to be freed up! Take good care of our Mary!


  • Exactly my thoughts and experience too Allanah.

  • Thank you I will..I'm going to sleep now so shall say

  • Night night , didn't mean to push you to much xxx

  • Oh honey you didn't at's just this lazy minded phase....please you didn't push me at all Allanah I think you are a lovely kind ladyx

  • Mwah x

  • Sorry you not feeling well , but maybe these will cheer you up xx

  • Sorry can't manage a joke. Truly hope you and your family start to feel brighter soon x

  • Oh Gosh have I made people guilty? I can't tell a joke either lol

  • think we all care for one an other. Hope you feel happier now i'm hopeless at telling jokes always forget the punch line xxxx

  • Yes you have all cheered me up loads thanks xx

  • Good very pleased to have helped xxxx

  • Hi allanah...I'm no good at telling jokes I forget half way sending you big hugs thinking of you..I've enjoyed reading the comments/jokes on here...Nicola :-) xxx

  • I generally tell the punch line first lol and then add in bits that aren't in the joke ie the donkey , he was wearing a green coat, said ... Lol !

  • Ok here's my joke

    A gorilla walks into a bar ..... Bang , it was an iron bar!

  • That is going to pop into my mind when I'm in bed tonight and make me giggle for ages allanah. I love it. xxx

  • My family are sick of it but it makes me laugh... Every time lol

  • Ha ha like it...that's me :-) xxx

  • Thanks all xxx

  • What did Admiral Nelson say to his men before they boarded the ship.....?


    Sorry.....really crap joke, just remembered its only funny if you're totally drunk!

  • It's funnee, mushy remembeeeer that , ha ha booooarrrd the shhhhhip hic xx lol

  • Hard to find some clean Aussie jokes most are a bit racy for public viewing!


    I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night

    when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

    'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said.

    'We don't waste money on newspapers.

    Here, you can borrow my iPad.'

    I can tell you, that fly never knew what hit it...


    My daughter Lili was five when she received a foam CD holder with plastic sleeves for all her music CDs. I explained to her that CDs are sensitive to light and heat, so she should not leave the holder in the sun.

    During our home addition, the electrician was working in the backyard and Lili had gone to play in the sandbox, leaving her new CD holder on the patio table. My wife saw it and told Lili she was going to put it in the house.

    Lili stood up in the sandbox and said, "Mommy, make sure you put it where the sun doesn't shine!"

    The electrician took a break.


  • Brilliant! Love them, thanks x

  • Pleasure

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