Why do people not know how rude their comments are?

I have always cared about not hurting anyones feelings. So why do some people feel free to say ignorant things so freely? I had a friend over for dinner and she noticed my swollen hands. I told her I was in a rheumatoid flare for the last 2 weeks. She was upset at how much pain I was in and wondered how I could possibly continue to work. I told her my doctor put me on sick leave for the month of Feb. She then said I was lucky because she wished she could have something on her work file so she could take "whatever day" she wanted off with pay...I was so stunned at this statement.She honestly didn't think she was rude. I didn't know what to say. ...For about 5 minutes I was silent as the anger raged inside of me...Then I thought why should I keep silent? So I said:

" I am so sick and tired of being polite to rude and ignorant people!!"

Boy oh boy did that feel good :)

Thanks for the rant

Sue

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  • Deze Suzanne, I fully understand you. People can be very rude indeed. I have RA, a pacemaker, several replacements of finger joints and foot and hand surgery. I am not able to work anymore. People say I wish I could say I can stop working. They haven't the slicest idea how we struggle. now a days I honestly say it to them, I say Lets ake an agreement, I do your job and you take my diseases!

    Wish you all the best! Sorry for my poor English , I am Dutch.

    Xxxx

    Bas

  • That's a great idea Bassie!! I'm going to offer people my disease if I could have their job. :) I'd love to see the looks on their face after that comment!!!

  • LOL! Your post has started my day with a smile. I'd love to have seen your 'friend's' face when you said it. I know it's not really funny but I can just imagine you getting madder and madder at her stupid comments then finally saying what you said.

    I remember doing something similar with my boss, she sat there during a meeting about something ( I hadn't done anything wrong either) with a face like she was sucking on a wasp - all negative and horrible and I took a deep breath and said 'You look as if I have done something to upset you. Is there a problem?' She blustered and backed down but all the time I was saying it I could hardly believe what I was doing.

    There's just so much a person can take so well done to you. I mean that has to be an absolutely ridiculous thing to say to anyone who lives with constant pain and who would just love to live a normal pain free, drug free life. :)

  • Glad I made your day Fuitandnutcase. I was surprised at how good I felt after telling her how I felt. Quite liberating I must say.

    Have a great day, it is 1 am in western Canada and I'm going to bed with a smile on my face.

  • Thank you - glad you're smiling. It is liberating isn't it just to say how you really feel, maybe that person will be more thoughtful in future. Sleep well :)

  • Good for you will show this to my daughter later she is the one with this condition ,

  • I had a work colleague who said that if he had all my health problems, he would top himself. I have IBS, asthma, anaphylaxis, trochenteric bursitis (both hips) and now RA. Sometimes you want to grab them by the shirt front and shake sense into them.

  • Jacqui, what a dreadful thing your colleage said to you. I'm speechless!

  • So is she still your friend ? I saw a good sticker on the back of a car saying

    ' yes you can have my disabled parking place if you take my MS as well '

    xx

  • She was quite upset and she apologized. But I am tired of "pretending" these comments don't bother me. My husband (who was schocked at what I said) was proud of me for sticking up for myself.

    I am struggling with the pain of RA and sick leave only pays 50% of my wages. I need to go back to work soon as we are financially stuggling now. I do not need or want rude people in my life.

  • Love that wonder where they got it.....

  • Nice one ! I have odd days when things are bearable & why is it on those days someone will ask why I have a disabled badge! I say to them I'll give you my badge & my illnesses!

  • Good for you darling.xxxx

  • Good on you girl and well said xxx

  • I know that feeling when people say look at the size of your hands pointing it out hurts my feeling and just lately a friend came round knows i have arthris and proceed to ask why i have a disabled frame round my toilet my reply i cannot write because then i would offend people x dont keep quiet say whats on your mind a true friend wouldnt point these things out x

  • I can't believe that anyone would actually be su rude as to ask you that! So insensitive! I can feel my blood booing on your behalf, the nerve of her.

  • I find that when I say what I feel if people are rude they stop being my friend !!! It can be quite lonely being honest and assertive

  • I too find it hard to be assertive Lornaisobel, as I was raised to always be polite. But I now have come to the understanding that some people must of been raised to be self centered and rude. I sometimes feel these rude people seek out us non-assertive people in order for them to hurt us.

    I never want to hurt anyone, but I also don't want to hurt.

    Take care

    Sue

  • Being assertive is not the same as being rude. Sometimes people genuinely do not realise how offensive their comments could be because they just have no experience of living with a long term health condition. No harm in educating someone should the occasion arise. On other occasions I just smile sweetly and let it go over my head. You learn to know who matters and what battles to fight!

  • Your are so right Shazzer. There is a difference between being assertive and being rude.

  • I think you are so right - I spend my life trying to stand up to bullies etc must be something about us that is seen as easy prey !!

    have a good day take care xx

  • I agree Lornaisobel! Your comment is so true. Back in 1977 I was 11 and I was bullied by the toughest girl in school. She was horrible, cruel and mean and she would terrorize all the kids. Her name was Margret. She used to schedule beatings around her detentions. Kids would actually wait for their beating just to get it "over and done"with. I was too scared to wait so I would run home. She never was able to beat me up...Flashforeword to 2006 and we became co workers. I was no longer the scared little girl. She came up to me to have a chat, I had no urge to talk to her. She walked away embarrassed. My heart went out to her . One day she very friendly said to a customer,

    "Hi, I remember you, didn't we go to school together " The customer angerly said

    " Yes. I remember you Margaret. Your the girl who bashed my head into a brick wall..."

    Since that day I got to know Margaret and discovered she was a nice adult with a loving husband and children. She was a sexually abused kid who suffered daily beatings from her father. She acted out her rage on the school grounds. She claimed that she was very jelous of my happy family as a child.

    Today we are friends.

    Take care

    Sue

  • Suzanne I understand completely. I use a walking stick when I use public transport now. But a couple of months ago I got onto a busy bus (no walking stick) and asked a young girl sat on one of the disabled seats if I could please sit down because I was unsteady standing up. The girl agreed and got up but the woman next to her said "no don't, you don't have to move."

    The girl did move and I sat down next to this ignorant woman. I don't know why I felt I should have to justify myself but I explained that I have rheumatoid arthritis in lots of joints and it makes using buses difficult when I am on my own.

    She said "well you shouldn't use them then should you?" I said "it varies so some days I can but standing up on a moving bus isn't doable even on my best days." she said "oh well you should be grateful you are lucky you can walk at all. I replied "yes I am grateful for that, not everyone with my condition can and doctors weren't sure I ever would either." Then she got off. Without the girl. Turns out the girl who moved was nothing to with her at all! So why was it her business if I asked her to give up her seat?

    I stayed calm and matter of fact but later when I spoke to my partner he was shocked. Because my RA is invisible I have always felt like I have to justify everything. If I use disabled toilets or changing rooms because I can't turn around in the normal ones. Getting into a lift when there is an escalator but there are a queue of pushchairs. Taking longer at queues. Now I feel like a fraud for using my walking stick even though I need it. Work that out!

    But sometimes something is just so bang out of order it takes your breath away. People just don't think do they?

  • How awful. What buisness was it of hers? I just don't understand somepeople

  • What a nosey so and so. That kind of confrontation would shake me up and I would be bothered he entire day by it. At least you put her straight. I would always now say, "I tell you what I hope it stays good for you and you remember this conversation, because one day it could be you with an invisible disability and boy will you remember your insensitivity. "!

  • I love your response....".... one day it could be you with an invisible disability and boy will you remember your insensitivity. "

    Thank you very much for your words of wisedom.

  • Good for you for speaking your mind. People can be very ignorant. I am sure your friend will think twice before speaking insensitively again.

  • You know what this post has really got me thinking about the stuff I could do without the RA and it gets me down a bit. I would really love to work but I am so very restricted with the RA, epilepsy (drug controlled) and sometimes severe anxiety.

    I have a University education and it's being wasted but if I had no RA I would take pretty much anything to get back into the workplace; cleaning, shop work, waitress. I would just love the opportunity to work. I am in the support group for ESA so I don't have to but I am trying to get a few hours of office work.

    Having RA is not a lifestyle choice. I wish more people understood that. Living on disability benefits or having to take time off work sick isn't something people do out of choice.

  • Pinksugarmouse, your statement "RA is not a lifestyle choise" is brilliant!! From now on I'm going to say this to people.

    I hate taking time off work as I am not rich. It is hard to pay all the bills. People just don't understand, I just wish they could keep their opinions to themselves.

    Take care

    Sue

  • The invisibility of our IA is a real problem sometimes, but I have no time for rude people. I haven't been on public transport since I went to London a month before my hip replacement, nearly two years ago. My cousin had thoughtfully planned a trip on the river with our boys, with minimum walking, getting off the boat where we were only about 200m/yards from the Tube station. It was still too far for me, but of course I had no choice. By the time we got to the platform I was in so much pain I had tears running down my face. I had stopped crying by the time the Tube train arrived, but I needed to sit, so I did, in one of the disabled seats. An elderly lady opposite obviously thought I was fit and well, shot me dirty looks, and started complaining about me to her husband, in French. Now, I don't speak much French, but I know enough to have understood her, and to tell her she was rude and unkind, in French! I also waved my blue badge at her for good measure! She was very embarrassed, I am glad to say - and she, her husband and her English-speaking daughter all started apologising! Hopefully she and a few other people who heard our conversation won't jump to conclusions like that again!

  • Good grief, it just proves that ignorance knows no barriers when it comes to language and culture. Your experience was horrible but your confidence in dealing with it might spare them judging other people this way in the future.

    This is why we have to stand up (metaphorically) for ourselves and put people right. If we don't educate people about invisable disabilities who else will?

  • How dreadful. I too hope all the people on the train heard your conversation. Sometimes it takes an embarrassing moment for people to realize to mind their own business and stop judging.

  • I would like to tell of a recent positive experience. I was unfortunate enough to have to travel on a train between Christmas and new year from Sheffield to Edinburgh without a seat reservation. Needless to say the train was packed with no free seats. A young woman saw my look of horror on boarding the train and offered me her reserved seat in the next carriage. I will be eternally grateful to this young woman. There are still some very kind hearted folk around.

    I will remember the tip about taking my walking stick if using public transport as a visual aid for folk who are not as aware and courteous as this stranger on the train.

  • What a wonderful story. Thank you for sharing.

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