How I'm feeling...smoking again

This site could do with a blog, anyway...

I'm smoking again - after a while I bought a pack of 100 and - slowly died inside.

Oh yes, in for a penny - in for a pound, as 'they' say.

I've been hiding for a few weeks and just couldn't anymore...I've seen friends, fronted up with family and had to admit my failure with my kids. Who are so used to opening up the side door to ask if they could have afters that they were still doing that through my quit anyway :(

(Junkie thinking: If I give the kids dinner they will not realise that I've gone out the back door and therefore it is ok that i am running out to get my fix - only to find they would be chasing me for dessert and seeing me smoking/hiding outside the very same back door anyway).

But...Newsflash...I've been given an 'out' so to speak.

A good friend has said she'll agree to hold my hand and see me through various lifestyle changes. I can not tell you how that feels. Like someone investing their time in me and it is loaded with the desire not to let her down.

She's not on a pedestal, there are times she takes my advice too, me having an older family and - oh yes - I am au fait with the teenage condition, therefore it feels equitable. However, as diet/fitness/treating-your-body-how-it-wants-to-be-treated goes, she is WAY up there.

So, I'm going to hit the Easyway again, learn to live again and be the person I want to be - again.

I stopped by for tea today and she looked strong, fit, alive and happy. Quite honestly, everything I want. So I'm going for it!! She has never presented 'perfect' she has just presented...ok, normal, etc.

Sorry mods, this wasn't a 'How I feel now I've quit' post. This was a, 'How I feel that I didn't' post.

But also a 'How I want to feel' post. I've set the day for Monday. I'm going to hit the books to help my frame of mind. I'm going to refine that picture of me as a happy non-smoker and bring it to the fore again.

I'm going to shake myself the frig up and turn it all around!!

That is how I feel. :)

I may be a late arrival to the January '13 quitters - but, a January quitter I shall be.

20 Replies

  • That is one of the most beautiful posts I've ever read Looper.

    I'm so proud of you for realising where you truly want to be in life. I guess thats why I quit, I even lost the amount if weight I thought I'd gain by quitting before I quit.

    I'm so pleased you have such a good friendship, and you're right, it will definitely make you think more than twice about allowing yourself to fail.

    I wish all the luck, strength and determination in the world for this, your final quit. Because this time you ARE going to do it!

    Please keep posting so we know how you're getting on.

    Sending hugs :)

    Molly x

  • You have my utmost respect looper: good for you for your confessional it was a brave thing to do.

  • It takes courage to come on here and reveal you've started again. Thanks for doing it though, as it's important that we know where you really are. Other than that, I would like to second what Molly says in her post. :)

  • Hi Looper, welcome back to the forum and thanks for sharing your thoughts and journey. It sounds like you're positive and determined and with a friend there by your side I know you'll do it. As Biggrin said its good to hear stories like your own as it helps us to look at our own quit to try and strengthen it and not fall into the same trap.

    Good luck and see you soon on day 1!!

  • Very positive and brave post Looper having support in person will help you no end plus you have all the support on here too :)

    Just remember to focus on one minute one hour and one day at a time and keep saying i choose not to smoke at this time everytime you get a crave

    it is do able and will get easier the further along the quit you go

    onwards and upwards is the way to go :)

  • Fantastic post Looper.......

    Life's the way forward. :)

    That sounds like one awesome friend, keep hold of them :)

    Take care


  • hi Looper,

    Thanks so much for posting, very honest, noble, and I'm sure from your tone that you're going to win out in the end. I'm glad you chose to share what you did, you seem personally committed and your mental steel resonates with me for sure. Good luck with the quit, I think you're ready this time!


  • Hi Looper,

    Glad to hear you're still determined to quit even though you had a bit of a hiccup.

    Just want to wish you luck for tomorrow - persistence will get you a long way! :D

  • Looper, I stopped for about 15 years or more and am ashamed to say I started again. Just one on holiday after I thought I'd cracked it. That led to a further 15 years or so smoking. I'm almost 6 months down the stop road again. You can stop again. x

  • Goodluck looper, never mind the hiccup you sound determined this time!

    I'm rooting for you!having a close pal to do this with will spur you on .xxxx

    P.s far to cold to go outside today!;) xx

  • Hey Looper,

    Good luck for today :D I know you can do this and will be willing you on.

    Gaynor x

  • This is your quit. Own it.

    Thinking of you x

  • Update - I didn't make it..!!!!!

    I hope you all see mum is ill...really ill.

    I forgot about the whole quit thing. :o

    Sunday she was retching all day and bringing up blood. She couldn't eat or swallow fluids. Refused to go with the paramedics and it has been a bit of a trip from there on out. She isn't going to make it long.

    It is so sad, especially when we tuck her in...warm socks, hot water bottle, two bedspreads, two blankets, two sheets and she is still feeling cold.

    And then says something along the lines of me still being her baby. And that she is blessed...:(

    We even got British Gas to come around today to check the boiler and after explaining the situation they came within the hour and bled her radiators and upped the boiler pressure for us. Bless them. The house is now tropical!

    The Doc has been in and out and we are seeing him tomorrow.

    We are both seeing first hand the disgusting and irreparable/irreplaceable damage smoking does and it really, really hurts. It is bloody, it is sad, it is final.

    Both of us have committed to remaining alive as long as possible after this...and not smoking is obviously top of that pile.

    Life has thrown me a curve ball, exactly and rightly when I least expected it but, maybe it is timely and right. Nothing brings home the significance of this site, me, you, us and what we are all trying to do - than this.

    The extremely uncomfortable truth of being a long term, heavy smoker is being played out right here, right now.

    Please, thoroughly enjoy your quits xx

    I'll be there soon.

  • Sorry - the 'we' I'm referring to above is my sister and I.

  • God Looper, how horrible and painful this must be for you. I'm so, so sorry for your mum, and you, and all your family. I hope the doctor is able to make her more comfortable. And you must take comfort that she feels blessed to have you - love transcends everything.

    It's a bloody sobering thing - literally - seeing a life come to its end in such a way because of cigarettes. It's hard to find any good in this situation, but I hope that it forms the foundation of your forever quit. You don't want these vicious things in your life, you don't need them, they don't help you ... and they do this.

    Sending you love and wishing you strength for the days to come. Remember to look after yourself as well as your mum. Take care.

    Helen x

  • Thank you so much Helen.

    Life has taken a turn for the odd. My husband just went to 24hrs Tesco to get a wireless doorbell.

    She was calling me today but, I couldn't hear her so hopefully the door bell will work.

    She tried to smoke today in between this quick mouth nose breathing she was doing. It just made her retch. Upsetting.

    But, she still tried #sadaddict :(

    To all - bear with, please. I am also a sad addict but, it AIN'T GONNA GET ME LIKE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    (May I take this moment to mention my dog who today, either licked my mums hand as she hung it over the bed or sat by her feet on the one occassion she came downstairs - he has then been glued to me since coming home. Thanks Patch,you truly are my mate. xx)

  • I'm so sorry to hear about your mum. I can't begin to imagine how hard things must be for you.

    Hopefully you can gain a positive from what must a devastating experience and return to your quit with unshakable determination once you feel strong enough.

    My heart goes out to you and your family and I'm sure lots of people will be thinking of you.

    Julie x

  • Dear Looper

    It is such a sad and very difficult thing you are doing right now and my heart goes out to you and your family, but it is also a wonderful thing that you are doing for your mum and I pray that you find strength to help you cope in this terrible time. xx

  • I am so very sorry to hear your sad news, my heart goes out to you and your family.

    You are all in my thoughts and my prayers Looper.

    Molly x

  • I'm so sorry to hear about your mum. I lost my mum to cancer 3 years ago this week so I know something of what you are going through. Make every minute count. Just being there for her is all you can do. X

You may also like...