Let myself down!

Completely caved today, at around 3:45 pm, the craving was so bad, then I got in my partners car and the smell of smoke, old cigarette wrappers, lighters, my ash tray, it all got too much!

I had 3 cigarettes and almost chucked myself out the window in anger/happiness. It felt so good omg but so bad HOW CAN SOMETHING SO BAD FEEL SO GOOD ARGHHHHHHH

So I'm back at day one and I'm fully prepared!

- I'm writing a diary

- I bought lots of hands on stuff, like play'doh lmao and a stress ball thing (came with my stoptober package)

- Lot's of sweets and soon ice cream

- Thrown out all tobacco (some people told me not to incase I really do need a cig, but no, if the stuff is in my house, I'll cave)

I've been suffering with social phobia/agrophobia for 4 years, I can't leave my house unless I have someone with me, so I can't go to the shop and buy any cigs and I told my partner if at any point I become to much to handle, leave the room and let me calm down!

No way am I backing down to this bitch, NO GOD DAMN WAY!

Bring it the hell on, as of 8:30pm I am a none smoker and that's how it's staying!!!!!

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

17 Replies

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  • No such thing as failing...

    OK, so it didn't work out today, so we put the day to one side ...and move on! Don't be surprised that at tmes it seems unbearable, some say it is harder to kick nicotine than heroin so the fact that you want to go on fighting shows you are not broken.

    Some days (and I'm only in the first week), I just want to go to bed and sleep because I'm not feeling the pain when I'm unconscious, but you'll find that the fight does erode you ...saying 'No' to yourself (especially when your body wants you to say 'yes') is the toughest battle; only you can decide if a 4cm cigarette is taller than you. This is an addiction, so don't beat yourself up ...but ultimately, addictions make choices for you and convince you that they are OK ...then comes the regret ...and we end up in a circle of feeling we are not strong enough ...YOU ARE! IF you really want to ...

    Simply, the pain WILL pass, I promise you, but you have to go through it first ...no option. Alternatively, you can decide not to stop,but I guess, you know the consequences, the cost on every level and the sense that you want to be a better person but you're not strong enough ...

    Giving up has been about more than just smoking for me; it has challenged me to discover just how strong can I be, how much can I make the choices I want...this is the longest, toughest experience, but I am learning so much about myself and enjoying it despite everything.

    The worst thing about pain is it is wasted; we CAN learn and grow and be strong through this and you are NOT alone! It all comes down to one question ...who do YOU want to be? Only you can decide ...finding out will be painful, but anything worth achieving can only be done through commitment and hardship. But in the end, everyone who has given up says it was well worth it!

    Good luck.

    Fintan.

  • Ps

    - Thrown out all tobacco (some people told me not to incase I really do need a cig, but no, if the stuff is in my house, I'll cave)

    Excellent! I've heard as well that some people keep a few cigarettes 'just in case' but think that is crap! In case of WHAT? The point of all this is that you don't want smoking in your life any more. Simple! So well done! Make it as hard as possible to get hold of tobacco ...so be done with it ...ditch the cancer weed!:mad:.

    Fintan.

  • Woo

    AMEN!

    Thank you for the great words of advice!

    I am going to completely smash this to pieces and I'm so excited for what's about to come lmao

    I love me a challenge and this is a complete bitch.

    BRING IT ON :D

  • Way to Go!

    Excellent! I have to say, I'm finding this forum really helpful; I think the guys here are great and they are all going through the pain, if you wobble again (and you may), log on and read some of the stuff here (a) it takes you away from going out to buy a packet of cancer (b) it inspires me so much, the craving passes and I didn't even see it go! :eek:

    Cheers,

    Fintan.

  • hehe your responses make me laugh!

    Tonight when I threw my cancer in the bin, it made me feel amazing.

    knowing it's gone and I DON'T NEED IT makes me feel amazing.

    The fight is gonna be so hard lmao!

    I'm excited for payday, saving myself £35 a month! I CAN NOW GET A CONTRACT PHONE WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

  • Why it's so good as you put it ? You gave yourself a nicotine fix it's as simple as that. It wasn't good really as that's all in your head. You temporary eased the withdrawal symptoms.

    Don't confuse yourself by it. You are a drug addict.

  • I won't explain..

    What I'm basically saying, why can't smoking not be bad for you, I wish it was good for you :(

  • Also i would throw caution to the wind before you get a contract phone. You have already relapsed after only a few days and so i wouldn't rush into anything.

    No doubt my advice will go straight over your head but if you cannot hold back on a phone why not a sim only contract ? You are only tied in for a month at a time.

  • I won't explain..

    What I'm basically saying, why can't smoking not be bad for you, I wish it was good for you :(

    Are you really ready to quit ? Be honest with yourself. That's the Junkie talking inside your head by the way. It's trying to make excuses for you to light up.

  • OMG Rogue can you stop being so damn negative, everything I'm saying is a damn joke.

    I know it's not good for you and I DO NOT want to spark up again.

    I can buy what I like.

    Thanks for the positive feedback when writing "you relapsed after a few days" great support.

  • Fair enough go ahead and do what you think is best for you.

  • keep going!

    hey striker, read back at some of my earliest posts, i wobbled and failed all over the place. I dont think its necessarily a bad thing as i think it takes a few attempts before one sticks for some people. Its all about getting your head in the game. This is (in my opinion) a 5% physical battle and 95% psychological.

    You're doing great because you are still on this forum, typing away and communicating. For my money, that shows someone who is is prep mode for the big quit!

    Dont beat yourself up, be kind to yourself and dont look too far ahead, deal with each hour/minute at a time. Try , as i did, to look forward to the craves and kick their ass when they arrive - it feels soooo good to know you have beaten the end boss just a little bit and his energy bar is getting lower every time...

    Good luck my friend, it can be done.

    Cheers

  • Excellent! I've heard as well that some people keep a few cigarettes 'just in case' but think that is crap! In case of WHAT?

    One man's crap is another man's bread & butter.

    Because you only ever quit when you lose the desire to smoke then having them in the house, the car or even your pocket makes no difference. The psychology of smoking varied between individuals as their relationship with tobacco varied.

    As a casual observer, a lot of people I've seen that have had some 'ritual' over retention of fags or shunned the 'official' method of throwing away every fag related anything to avoid potential 'temptation' seem to have been successful.

    If you want to smoke then smoke. If you want to stop then stop. Trying to stop whilst wanting to smoke is a path strewn with anguish and angst and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

  • Humm....

    Rogue, I see your point, but there used to be a saying 'Never give up giving up' ...there were quite a few times I started to give up and on reflection I don't think I was serious. However, each time I failed, I became more determined to succeed the next time.

    We all know the pain and for some, there never is a good time to quit ...too many people in the graveyard saying ..."i PROMISE, I'll give up tomorrow"

    All I want to do here is be supportive and perhaps between us, we CAN quit!

    One day at a time does it ...hang in there all of you!

    Cheers,

    Fintan.

  • Everyone has a way of quitting, I let go of all my cigarette stuff yesterday, it's all gone now and that's made me happier, you can't decide what you think is right for everyone =/

    I'm glad that the majority of people here are supportive :)

  • good luck striker...... keep talking :)

  • Striker

    Keep on keeping on, just as you are. You clearly do want to stop and you will get there in the end.

    In 2001 I paid to go to an Allen Carr clinic. I argued all the way through when I was being told over and over 'You don't really enjoy smoking'... The fact is I did enjoy smoking! I flippin' loved smoking. Ok, so it was the fact that I was addicted that made me enjoy smoking, but I still loved it! I stopped smoking for 12 hours and didn't even bother going back for my guaranteed money back.

    Several years later in 2006 I went to another Allen Carr clinic. This time I went with a more open mind. Stopped for 3 days. Went back for follow up session and stopped for 3 days! Never went back.

    The point I'm making is that I didn't succeed on either of those occasions (despite a hefty financial investment on both occasions!) but that didn't meant I didn't want to quit! I'm despratley wanted to be a non smoker... why else would I invest all that money?

    I went a whole 6 years before I tried to quit again, which is documented in my posts on the forum. First time, cold turkey - 6 days. Second time on Champix - this is the one that stuck. I have made it to 8 weeks and I know for a fact that I will never smoke again.

    There is a lot of psychology going on when you quit. You have to really focus on what you are going through. Read about the side effects of nictine withdrawal, methods of overcoming cravings etc. Knowledge and information = power.

    You sound pretty determined to me. Whether it's this time, or the next time or the time after that... you can do it. If I can get to 8 weeks I figure I can do it forever, and if I can do it... I reckon anyone can!

    Good luck and keep going, one day at a time (hour by hour).

    Lauren x

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