I have really let myself down

Hi folks,

I have been a blinkin idiot. I smoked 2.5 cigarettes yesterday.

Was at a family do (big smoking family) and was very, very drunk. No excuse but I would not have had one sober.

I don't really know what to say but I really had let my guard down. I knew it was going to be one of my biggest triggers cos a family party was the ruination of a quit 5 years ago but I still drank wine and vodka and ended up asking my cousin for a draw then a couple of fags.

If I am honest with myself (and you lot) I could feel it coming. I had stopped reading, stopped coming on here and was generally a bit miserable in my quit. Was finding it hard and was quite moody about it all. I wonder if I was just looking for an excuse.......

I feel really bad about it and am also very hungover in work today. Not fun.

Don't know what to do now. I don't want to start smoking again but am worried that as I 'enjoyed' them I will lose my quit.

Does anyone have any advice cos I am really worried.

Thanks,

Debs

14 Replies

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  • Dont beat yourself up Debs. Your gonna have set backs but that nicotine monster is a devious little sod - he'll try anything to make you give in. He won the battle at the party but he hasn't won the war yet.

    Stopping smoking is tough - its the most addicive drug in the world so getting off it is always gonna be tough. I stopped nearly two years ago (while on a tour in Afghanistan!!) and I had exactly the same feelings as you at times. We all have self doubt feelings but you gotta hang on in there. I guarantee you that if you start again you'll feel 100 times worse. You should be enourmously proud of yourself - I bet the rest of your family are really jealous that you've stopped and they cant.

    Dont let that nicotine monster win.

    Liam

  • Hi Debs sorry to hear that you have been coaxed by that little bas**** into having a couple of cigs but be honest if you wanted to become a smelly smoker again would you come on here and bear all, no of course you wouldn’t you would have just continued to smoke or maybe half heartedly quit only to smoke again, so here you are wanting to quit and stay quit and you know there’s only one way, take a deep breath and make an oath to yourself that no matter what happens from today onwards you are not going to smoke again, and maybe as the drink is a big trigger you should quit on that for a while until you are stronger and can do one without doing the other many of us including myself had to give up other things to help sustain the quit I have given up caffeine and also now had to give up all choccy and crisps and things that I have come to love after quitting but it is all so worth it health wise and for my self esteem.

    Come on Debs you CAN do it you have got through the worst bits and then gone back but not this time you will stop for good, and hey if you don’t this time then I am sure you will not stop trying, use the site its a fantastic inspiration and has kept me focused enough to be nearly on 5 months and if I can stop after 40 years I am sure you can xx

  • Hi Debs, sorry you're feeling a bit rough today, but don't beat yourself up about the whole episode. Don't turn the memory of a nice time with your family to only thinking about the cigarettes you had, they're not worth that much thought. I don't think you were setting yourself up for it, I think it was a genuine worry, but hey, it happened, move on, it's too much to throw away.

    Concentrate your thoughts on the future, and get yourself back on track. We're all human and too much drink brings out all sorts of things in us, some good, some not so good. But the main thing is that you don't want to smoke now, so go with that.

    Don't think too much about it, we all know the perils of drink and the huge association it has with smoking! Think of some happier memories from the party and don't think that the only reason you enjoyed yourself was because you smoked.

    Get on with your quit and put this behind you,

    Hope your hangover clears soon,

    Lorraine :)

  • Deb

    all is not lost.. not by a long shot, you are right in one respect that yes you were looking for an excuse to smoke .. but not purposely as such, its just as you've put, you stopped reading about what you were giving up and so the strengths you'd got from doing so were not there or as strong. If you've also not been on the forum much lately to support your quit, then thats another avenue where you were left out on your own to fend off the 'temptations'.

    so now a party comes along, folk smoke, opportunity is there and you've had way more drink than normal and bam.. an offer is made, for you to have a smoke and you take it.

    I'm convinced you want to recover from this otherwise you would not have made this post here today Deb, but there are others on this forum who have had these 'blips'.. and have recovered from it, but to follow their lead you must get serious again about your quit, you've seen how easy it is to stumble so now you do everything in your power to turn this back around.

    its not lost yet.

    jase

  • Don't feel bad as you are not the only one that lost it due to drinking as I did the same thing this weekend and you talk about feeling quilty!!!!! I smoke 4 back to back and it was weird because I didn't even like the taste and I did it because I was mad and then drinking on top of it made me want one!

    I ended up soaking the rest in water and had a sleepless night because of the quilt!

    I don't wnat to go back to day 1 as I know I DON'T want to smoke, but if everyone thinks I should I will!

    So, you know exactly how you feel and we can do this! Chewing on straws is great for me but I like my anger get to me and know that I have to do something else when I get mad, especially when it was due to a man! LOL

    So not worth it!

    Mic

  • Hi Debs

    Sorry to hear about your slip. You are right about coming on here, sharing often is an excellent way to help ourselves stay stopped, we share our good and bad times, we get help and identification from others and our story helps someone else. Read for a while and try to block out the nagging in your head and remind yourself why you wanted to stop smoking in the beginning.

    Best wishes, you can do it, you did before.

    Jackie

  • Thank you so much....

    Morning,

    I don't really know where to start! You guys really are amazing.

    I read and re-read all your posts throughout yesterday and last night and am so grateful for all of the advice and also the understanding. That really means a lot.

    Liam thanks for your post. Battle vs the War made lots of sense actually. If you can quit while on tour I really can do it with my 9-5 lifestyle! Great to hear from someone who has been quit for so long. I won't let the nicotine monster win. I refuse.

    Jamangie as always you speak sense! You are right, I don't want to start again and I won't. I do think the drink has to be knocked on the head for a good while. Its worth it. This whole quitting lark is blinkin hard and I think I forgot that its a long haul game and not something thats sorted in a matter of months. I am so glad I have this place and you guys to talk to or I would be feeling very different today I am sure.

    Thanks Lozza :) the hangover depression has lifted so its not all I am thinking about now thankfully. It was a really good day apart from the incident and it is nice to remember that.

    Chrissie thanks matey, I am going to write my list at lunchtime today with my friend who is almost 2 years quit. I think 'doing' quit related things is something that will keep me strong.

    Jase thanks once again for some excellant words of wisdom :) I do need to forum and the reading so consider me back. Will be back on tonight for some reading and hopefully to post for some of the newer peeps. Determined not to let myself get to that stage again. Oh and CONGRATULATIONS on your 10 months woo-hoo! A kick in the backside off a year :)

    Hey Michelle, hope you are feeling better about things today. Lets both agree to learn and move on from it and to fight that nasty demon whenever he rears his ugly head! How long have you been quit?

    Thank you Jackie. I do need this place more than I thought and now totally get why so many of you longer quitters are still around.

    I feel 100% better today hangover wise - thank god! But also woke up feeling a bit better about things. I am not going to smoke again. I really don't want to. I have come too far to go back now. I had hit four months last Thursday which is the really annoying thing. I think its more my pride and can I still say I have quit for four months? If I am honest with myself not really.

    Really should get on and do some work I suppose ho-hum.

    Hope everyone is having a good day :)

    Debsx

  • Good Morning Debs and I am glad that instead of thinking that it was the end of your quit it is only the continuation and you will be even stronger now Im sure, the little slip has made you conscious thet we all have to be on our guard most of the time and be very aware that we are only human and still ciggie addicts, I want say nicotine as I am sure that when we reach a certain stage it is the habit more than the nic which we crave, maybe others see it different but I dont want back all the nasty bits that the nic caused me to have ie the shorter breath, the wet hair frome smoking in the rain :D and all the other rubbish so keep away from the pop and see how it goes but do come on and keep talking it does help greatly, and yes of course you can say 4 months quit forget it and move on its now up to you to make it 5 months,take care xx

  • Hi folks,

    I have been a blinkin idiot. I smoked 2.5 cigarettes yesterday.

    Was at a family do (big smoking family) and was very, very drunk. No excuse but I would not have had one sober.

    I don't really know what to say but I really had let my guard down. I knew it was going to be one of my biggest triggers cos a family party was the ruination of a quit 5 years ago but I still drank wine and vodka and ended up asking my cousin for a draw then a couple of fags.

    If I am honest with myself (and you lot) I could feel it coming. I had stopped reading, stopped coming on here and was generally a bit miserable in my quit. Was finding it hard and was quite moody about it all. I wonder if I was just looking for an excuse.......

    I feel really bad about it and am also very hungover in work today. Not fun.

    Don't know what to do now. I don't want to start smoking again but am worried that as I 'enjoyed' them I will lose my quit.

    Does anyone have any advice cos I am really worried.

    Thanks,

    Debs

    Hi deb

    you smoked a couple of fags.....I can feel you dissapointment & upset ... But its not the end of the world.......Just remember this feeling now how scared & upset you feel at losing your quit & remember it if you ever need it again.....

    Judging from your post today ...you seem happier :)

    Dont look back .keep fighting :)

  • Go for it Debs, onwards and upwards. So glad you're feeling better and more positive, don't look back now and stay off the vodka :eek:

    Lorraine :)

  • Deb:

    Glad to hear you are feeling better! I turly understand your guilt and I had that too, but I think what is weird about this quit is that after smoking them I had such regret and guilt and soaked the rest of the pack as to before I would have said, hmmm those are left I already messed up so might as well finish them, BUT I DIDN'T! And I don't want another one AGAIN! I feel so much healthier and walking and jogging again now, eating healthy so why would I be so stupid to go back to them.....I WON'T! I have been quit now for 1 week 5 days 0 hours and 27 mins! I don't want to go back to day one but if everyone thinks I should then I will but I do know that I won't let drinking ruin what I have accomplished ever again!

    WE CAN DO THIS!!!!!

    Mic. 4-29-10

  • Hello DebMcFly & co!

    I hear you I really do. I made the unfortunate mistake similiar to yours. In fact almost identical in many ways!

    I too got v drunk on Saturday night. Nothing too strange there. However, I smoked 3. Not good not good at all. I hardly remember anything about it apart from the sheer guilt the next day, and a slight dazy dizzy feeling. I'm not sure why I did it. I guess I need to work out why so I dont do it again.

    I quit on the 12th Jan 2010 so I thought I was nearly home and dry. Just goes to show this is a long battle that is yet to be won.

    I'm putting this down to a mistake. Obviously not an ideal situation to be in. But thats gone. I cant afford to keep looking back at the blip so heres looking to the future. I too, havent been on here a while, and had not re-enforced the reasons and willpowers of the quit -- something which I am returning too to keep me on track. Some will say I must "go back to day 1" but I'm not thinking of it like that at all....just a slight issue that has got in the way as I really dont want another because of this particular episode.

    Keep strong and stay positive! We can do this once and for all, it just may be a little trickier than we may first have expected.

    Down but not out!

    Cheers,

    Paul

  • Hi Debs, I am hoping that you are just too busy to come on at the moment, so when u have a mo come and tell us how you are doing or we will worry about you and we care more than you realise. And to all the other posters on Debs thread, it sounds to me as if there are a lots of Demonic Nicco Demons out there tempting you all away from the smoke free road into the gravel pits of smelly ashtrays and black tarry lungs again, if you want to remember what you smell like find a dirty ashtray and add water and smell mmmm

    Aude de faggy smell gross, I know it is so hard and no one else can quit for you but if you want it then the effort is so worthwhile, so come on don’t let this filthy habit be stronger than you are you are all worth so much more and we are rooting for you all.

  • Hello!

    Hi Jamangie,

    I did try to post last night in reply to Paul and Michelle but it appears to have been eaten by some t'internet gremlins.....

    I am doing fine thanks. Really annoyed that I am now having smoking thoughts again. Nothing major just if I see someone smoking in a movie it has started to cross my mind that its quite appealing but only for a split second. Just goes to show that one slip can waken up the beast! But I am determined to carry on with my quit. Really annoyed that I have made life harder for myself.

    Work has been chocca so not been able to come on and read as much as I would have liked.

    Have a decision to make about whether to go to Newcastle with the girls this weekend. I am booked up to go and have not had a trip with the girls for a long time but I really don't feel confident about not smoking...... a few of the girls smoke and well am nervous now. Is it wrong to let the thought of smoking make me want to cancel? Its all pre-paid and it was really cheap so not too worried about losing money. Am quite skint anyway so it will save me spending any more.

    Paul I am so sorry that you are in the same boat. Its not good is it. I can't really remember smoking either as was really drunk. Its just a shame as we were both four months quit which lets face it, took some getting to. I get what you mean about not wanting to go back to day 1. I won't either but I dunno what to say to people now when they ask how long I am quit for.

    Am tired and waffling but thank you so much Jamangie. You really are fab mrs. It's nice to know you guys are behind us. I have no desire to smell that manky again I assure you!

    Debsx

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