Well, I'm still not smoking, and I'm not really getting any physical cravings.
BUT... I just can't get around the idea of being a non-smoker. I can handle not smoking, it's not entirely easy, but I feel like I've lost something of myself.
One of the reasons I took up smoking was to try and lose some of my geeky image. I've grown up with the idea that 'good girls don't smoke. good girls are also boring'. Obviously sticking a cancer stick in your gob doesn't make you fascinating, but the shock factor from everyone was nice at the time. It made people consider me in a different light.
Now I realise that these days, especially at my age, it's not really cool to smoke, and I'm not in high school anymore, so people aren't just judging me (I hope!) on whether I stand outside puffing away.
But I still feel like I'm becoming 'duller' somehow. Non-smoker sounds too 'puritan' to me, too righteous, and even a bit conformist these days. Not the rebellious, stick-two-fingers-up-at-society person that I kind of am on the inside - half punk, half hippy. Part of this I think is a general identity crisis I'm having as I'm getting nearer to 30, and I'm not really the person I hoped I be. I'm actually in a bit of a down period about that.
I guess the smoke monster has latched onto that, and is whispering thoughts in my ear. It doesn't help that I've yet to see any real benefit from quitting - apart from not smelling of stale smoke. My ears and nose seem to have got worse, and my energy levels haven't increased a jot. Part of me is thinking 'why am I bothering?' - the sinusitis and low energy were two big factors in me wanting to quit.
Anyway, sorry for such a long post, and I hope no-one gets offended at my 'non-smoker' comments - it's just my feelings at the moment, a hangover from my high school years (which weren't exactly great). I also wondered if this was a thing that other people have gone through.