So all week I have been telling myself that I would have a cigarette today. It's probably not the best psychology, I do realise that - but in the same vein it has been effective on getting me here - day 12.
Thing is, when I woke up this morning (normally my biggest crave time), I found I didn't actually want that smoke. Driving to work in the sunshine, I mentally offered myself that cigarette again. Surprisingly my thought was, 'why would I ruin a lovely sunny day with the stink of a cigarette?'
Now I'm at work. I can see the sea (funny how lots of us seem to live near the coast), it's a beautiful day out and I have had a patient not turn up for their appointment...NOW I want that cigarette. Now I am doubting the effectiveness of my stupid 'tactic'. Because in my head I have already forgiven myself for 'one' little slip up. I have already granted myself permission. Scratch that, I have granted my addiction permission to relapse.
I honestly don't know if I can hold it off...I am going to go and get a sandwich and a hot chocolate, but part of me (the addict part, I know!), is aware that this is delaying the inevitable of what I have set myself up to do today.
I've never tried to quit before (I'm not sure 4 hours one January counts!). Yet here I am, day 12. I haven't died from the hardship of quitting and fortunately neither has anyone in my vicinity (amazing considering my moods in wk 1!) which proves that while yes, it's been hard, it also hasn't been THAT bad!
So why am I sat so close to the edge of giving in? It's not to test myself - I know I'm not 'over it' or that I'll be 'safe' to have that one fag. I think my addiction is trying to convince me that I'll sort of, get the relapse out of my system. It's mental but I can't fight it!