Worrying about going on a hike with my best friend because I thought "what if I have a heart attack"
Lying awake at night listening to the sound of my heart, thinking "it's beating too fast/hard/soft/etc."
Going to the doctor and finding out my blood pressure was 150/85
Checking my blood pressure to see if it was low enough for me to have a smoke
Checking it after and seeing how high it was
Being afraid of the pain in my back, shoulder, chest-ish area
Looking at my 5 year old son and feeling such an overwhelming sense of fear and guilt that one day, if I didn't/don't quit, he will wonder why I couldn't quit and if I loved cigarettes more than I loved him.
... I'm on day one. I'm 45 and been smoking since I was 16, with quits in between, off and on ... mostly with nicotine gum. I quit about two years ago, for a year and a half, no nic replacement for the first time ever ... started up again about 5 months ago. I don't think I wanted it enough back then. Or just didn't know that there was a way to not want it. A way to realize that it really doesn't do anything for me.
I think I'm there now. What I do know is this ... the past few days, I have really been freaking out about my heath. I am torturing myself with fears about it. And, then simultaneously tortured by the nicotine ... I don't want to wake up one day (or not wake up) with the self loathing that I could have stopped and didn't, and now it's too late.
I need to keep remembering that ... and that the last several months of smoking have been no fun at all.
It's been almost a full first day now. It hasn't been al that bad. After all, I did it once before. But I still get the cravings, and I really hate that.
This time, it just can't be an option to give in.