I stopped smoking for over a year and then I had major trauma in my life, I feel as though I have lost my son - he treats me like I have no feelings, theres a LOT more to it but to all intents and purposes he is no longer the kind and considerate boy I gave birth to, unless he changes his ways he has no place in my life. Anyway because of this I started again for a week or so and then my neighbours from hell - bullies to put it bluntly shook me up so much that I started again. I started again because I am standing up to them - I will not be a victim again if I can help it. So today after smoking again for about a month - I am stopping again. I have just looked at my cigarettes and am so angry with myself. I have let myself down big time, I feel I should have been stronger but I have been sexually abused and beaten up when I was a child - I was treated like the boy in the the book called "A boy Called It" by my whole family as a child. It is so important to me to stand up to bullies of ANY sort - I do not want to spend the rest of my life feeling like a victim.
I promised someone very special that I would not smoke again and I cannot deal with the fact that I am letting him down totally. So I have thrown those nasty cigarettes in the drawer - they are no friend to me. That is my motivation for stopping.
My fingers get stained and I wreak of it.
I was so proud of myself and so happy when I managed to stop the first time.
But I still remember how difficult it was to stop the very first time after smoking for 40 years.
I really need to feel that I am not alone at this moment.