Was fairly convinced I had finally cracked last night - my mind - not my resolve, yet.
There was a scary moment where my mind left my body.....genuinely although I don't think the drink helped with that.
I'm craving, I'm bargaining with myself, like: Maybe I could just be a social smoker, a secret smoker, a rolley smoker, only at night, only at a friends - only on a full f***ing moon.....etc. etc.
I'm dipping into depression and possibly full on lunacy.....and only a fag will help. I got myself convinced last night that it's cigarettes that hold me together. As the product of two junkies I'm genetically mutated to be an addict and to not be is actually bad for me (lol, told you.....cracked!). In using that scenario, cigarettes are really the less of all addictions right?
Think I'm a bit stressed.....
Anyway, Yay! I'm in the month three section, woo hoo and all that....
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didn't want t read and run but not sure what I can say to make it better.
You are not cracking up. We all go through stages where we tr to reason with ourselve about why really it would be ok to smoke. But you know, hand on your heart, that it is not. It won't solve anything.
If you think you are actually depressed (as opposed to a bit down and p'd off) then make a appointment with your GP. sometimes just talking about it can help.
Stay strong, post here as often as you need and remember you are not alone.
as a smoker i switched off from a lot of my emotions - smoking was my escape. now as a non-smoker there's nothing for it but to face them head on, which often feels a little or even a lot like i'm losing the plot!
so am i crazy? or was i crazy to smoke?
whatever the answer, it was at its worst at the 3 month mark, and now its slowly getting better, so stick with it and you'll be feeling better soon,
Are you really cracking up that badly? I hope not. Surely when you decided to stop smoking, you realized that it was a lifestyle change? If not, then I suggest you re-visit the reasons why you stopped in the first place.
After three months, any physical craving is completely gone (even after a few days, in fact), so either you're having other psychological issues or you're taking the p*** out of quitting. Perhaps you became addicted to the forum and felt the need to rally sympathy?
Don't get me wrong, I know that we occasionally feel a little craving, a pang that tells us it's ok to have just one, but your language suggests you are looking for more than just a relief from a passing thought about smoking.
Now, when you post like that I have one impression of you but when you post like this.........
Thankyou kindly people, I don't want to smoke. My mind tells me stories, if it is when I see people smiling and smoking, they is happy but I know it is not good. I dont want to smoke, pictures of dirty ashtray make me sick thankyou. Problem is not logical it is my feeling I don't help it.
I quitted 10 Novembre 2010 with patch five weeks it is enough. Nicotina is out of body soon I think but craving is big. Logic tells me no to smoke but heart tell me happy people is smoking I know it is not true. I want to feel like stop smoking.
.......I get a completely different impression. Do you have a split personality and your other self is a nice and sweet foreign national or are you green and live under a bridge? I guess living off billy goat gruffs can do that to people sometimes.
Your mind's playing tricks on you, this much is obvious. The brain is trying to convince us that we are unbreakably bound to our addiction (we know it's the brain wanting to smoke, not the body, nicotene is long gone). A lot of us have experienced the same kind of bargaining thoughts. But I think maybe your history/personal baggage is adding to your burden, making it harder to rationalise stuff. Not much I can say to make that battle any better, except that you have intelligence and humour in your arsenal, and you can read/think/reason your way through this rough patch.
If depresson is entering into it then I'd agree that it wouldn't hurt at all to see your GP, it may be an entirely separate issue that could be dealt with.
We can do this. We can we can we can we can we can.
Thanks so much guys - Hels, 5mol<er, John, Rachel and levs.....thank you and I do apologise if I'm coming across a bit emotional as the green foreign national pointed out....I guess that is because I am a little emotional and I had warned you all that I was leaning toward the drama but........
.......5mol<er has it.
I just sat with my hubby and snotted all over dinner as it all came spilling out. As 5mol<er put it - I'm so used to using fags as a way of dealing with stuff. I would go outside, crouch down and lean against the kitchen wall thinking about stuff, processing it, sorting it, just...coping with it all.....
I'm not doing that anymore and it's built up a bit.
I don't think I'm depressed, more 'repressed' if you know what I mean? I have no other coping strategy as I've smoked since I was 11 (yes I know, disgusting) and before that saw all my family use nicotine and stuff 'to cope'. This is new for me.
For example, as some of you know, my Mum has dementia. Vascular dementia due to smoking 40 a day for nearly 60 years. Ages ago she told me she wasn't in to EastEnders anymore. I thought it was odd as that had always been one of her little pleasures. I was watching it with her last Sunday when I visited and I realised why she had gone off it, she can't remember the plots. I realised that and thought nothing of it, just carried on, plod on, keep going, "Keep Calm & Carry On" as the war time posters put it.
Normally I would have brought that up in an introspective smoking break. Instead it just occured to me over dinner just now. She can't remember Eastenders Can't tell you how much that gets me. I don't know why.
My oh just said it was natural for me to grieve the slow loss of her and the Environment Agency nearly declared a flash flood in the south-east!
I'm saying goodbye to my Mum, really slowly, and it's all down to cigarettes.
Anyway, bottom line for this most public of meltdowns is - I need to learn new coping stategies myself. I'm good at telling other people what to do, not so good at taking my own advice. Always the way, innit?
I'm not going to smoke, I want to because it's what I know, but I'm not going to. What I am going to do is take a little moment to gather myself. I'm going to get all my old stuff out and re-educate myself, I'm going to teach me some new stuff :)...
Oh Looper. I'm glad its all coming out now,and you are making sense of your feelings. How fantastic are you to feel that bad and stick with it and not cave. I wish I had done so well.
You go girl. Now you know why you're feeling like you are, you've just got to ride it out unfortunately I think a lot of us NAS are going through the 3's again and it's not pleasant. You seem to be going through it more than most.
Pm me if you like...you know me, I'm not witty or have anything new or deep and meaningful to say, but me and you are in this together, and I can't see you fail yourself hunni.
Ditto what Rachel said except you don't know me so well!! Life is not simple & some of us have other demons we have to cope with on a daily basis along with a quit.
Glad to see some edited posts as well.
You keep strong & keep going, you can & will do this & we will do all we can to possible help.
You go girl. Now you know why you're feeling like you are, you've just got to ride it out unfortunately I think a lot of us NAS are going through the 3's again and it's not pleasant. You seem to be going through it more than most.
Pm me if you like...you know me, I'm not witty or have anything new or deep and meaningful to say, but me and you are in this together, and I can't see you fail yourself hunni.
Rachel xx
Darling, I watched you fight a monster and you had fire in your belly! You are a warrior!! (I maybe shall PM a few of you rather than letting myself open to the comment of.....undesirables *nose in the air*)
Sandy, on the other hand, recommends orgasms for sleeping problems, she gets into the 'in' club by default. That's just stellar advice!
My warrior, my sex therapist hippy and me, we shall survive, God I feel Gloria Gaynor coming on.....
Oh...and Hels the newbie, she's in, I've been following her, she's cool.
And John, the joker. And Levs...OMG still quit over two years later....and 5mol>er who kinda got it first go and neverstoptrying, she just don't give up!! ......
.....list is endless.....we're all just trying aren't we?
Ok... serious moment. Thank you, all of you, had a hell of a day....just - thanks x
Loops, I lost my Dad to dementia. Don't know if it was smoking related, he did smoke for 40 plus years, but who can say. Anyway, the point is... I really do know what it feels like to mourn somebody in tiny increments, and I'm so sorry you're going through it. We both know a cigarette won't fix anything but I totally understand how you would be jonesing under the circs.
You need a 'this is me removing myself from the situation and thinking through stuff' thing to do, to replace the fag. Maybe a breathing exercise (sounds naff I know, but...), or that EFT tapping thing. I looked into that. It's basically just a stop everything and relax exercise, I don't buy into the tapping itself.. But a ritual, you know what i mean?
God I'm rambling. Sorry.
Hope you have a better day tomorrow. May the road rise to meet you and the wind be at your back.
I tell ya, I just can't say thanks enough. I'm such a bloody addict and it's all come spilling forth.
Hels, God it hurts. She was always such an awkward bugger. She's lost her fight and I think I'm mourning that more than anything. I preferred it when she would assasinate those who got up her nose, she's just too.... placid and grateful
I'm on first name terms with her medical team - that is both a blessing and an excruciatingly embarassing experience.
As in....loopers mum has vascular dementia due to smoking. I wouldn't want my kids to have to go through that with me, and I'm sure looper wouldn't want that for her own kids.
Was just trying to dish out a bit of tough love. But as I said earlier, i'm not very eloquent, and so didn't want you (looper) or anyone elso thinking i was being horrible. I'm just a bit crap with words, but I mean well, and my heart's in the right place xx
Rachel, no I don't. In all seriousness, I don't. I'm trying to give them a different life.
I was 11 when my Dad died. I remember picking up his stuff from the hospital with my sister on the bus and being really shocked that his watch still went.
He died, his watch should have stopped right?
I remember looking at the dressing gown and it was all torn open where it had been cut by the paramedics. I also rememeber my friends crossing the street because they didn't know what to say to me. He died by his addiction. He was a scientist, went to Cambridge, employed by the government - but his addiction got him.
That's why I'm doing this and because of my Mum. But I'm still gritting my teeth here.
As in....loopers mum has vascular dementia due to smoking. I wouldn't want my kids to have to go through that with me, and I'm sure looper wouldn't want that for her own kids.
Was just trying to dish out a bit of tough love. But as I said earlier, i'm not very eloquent, and so didn't want you (looper) or anyone elso thinking i was being horrible. I'm just a bit crap with words, but I mean well, and my heart's in the right place xx
That's what I thought you meant but like I said the old grey matter is not working too well! xx
Glad you are feeling renewed in your quit Looper & as you say way past bed time lol.
Can't sleep now as head is pounding...too much work today I think.....been told to go back to doc's as hubby and others reckon I fractured my skull when I fell flat on my face before xmas :eek:
You go to bed as you have kiddies to look after tomorrow.....I will just pretend I'm working...whilst really being asleep at my desk
OK - Publicly - you need an X-ray!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Go get one - now. Or tomorrow. Stop being such a... a......Mum. Go get one! In fact go get one now - if you are still awake.....WAKE UP!!!!!! A&E will be dead quiet now - go now, you will be seen quick and the staff will be pleased to see someone who can keep tham awake.
Go now, then send me the films. I can then give you a longer term prognosis.
OK, maybe don't do that - just go......is it far?????
just wanted to say thanks for starting this thread... Shame I didn't see it last night cos I would have tried to give you some sort of help... although, wow! what a team of responses you got there!
I wanted to say thanks because I think this thread touches on sooo many different issues e.g. stress of not smoking vs stress of smoking, repeating our parent's mistakes, the use of smoking as a shield./procces for our emotions (I was specially attached to this one!) and our reasons/inpiration for stoppping.
I'll be coming back to it when I reach a rough patch, there's a lot of honest and useful talk in here.
p.s... yes, please rachel, get an x-ray! We're non-smokers now and non-smokers actually take care of their bodies
Darling, I watched you fight a monster and you had fire in your belly! You are a warrior!! (I maybe shall PM a few of you rather than letting myself open to the comment of.....undesirables *nose in the air*)
Sandy, on the other hand, recommends orgasms for sleeping problems, she gets into the 'in' club by default. That's just stellar advice!
My warrior, my sex therapist hippy and me, we shall survive, God I feel Gloria Gaynor coming on.....
Oh...and Hels the newbie, she's in, I've been following her, she's cool.
And John, the joker. And Levs...OMG still quit over two years later....and 5mol>er who kinda got it first go and neverstoptrying, she just don't give up!! ......
.....list is endless.....we're all just trying aren't we?
Ok... serious moment. Thank you, all of you, had a hell of a day....just - thanks x
Thanks for the future vote of confidence :D. I will still be stoped for 2 years in in 1 & 3/4 years but right now am on 3.5 months.
I stopped 2 years ago, joined this site and failed at the two month point. I won't fail this time though and nor will you.
Glad you are feeling a bit more in charge of yourself. I know what you mean about the take 5 mins outside to sit, smoke and think things through. That the one bit I miss. Not the smoking bit, but the 5 mins out bit. feels a bit stupid to go and sit in the freezing cold just to think now though lol.
Thanks for the future vote of confidence :D. I will still be stoped for 2 years in in 1 & 3/4 years but right now am on 3.5 months.
I stopped 2 years ago, joined this site and failed at the two month point. I won't fail this time though and nor will you.
Glad you are feeling a bit more in charge of yourself. I know what you mean about the take 5 mins outside to sit, smoke and think things through. That the one bit I miss. Not the smoking bit, but the 5 mins out bit. feels a bit stupid to go and sit in the freezing cold just to think now though lol.
Take care hun.
Sian
Whoops Sian Take it as a major vote of confidence
Can't say enough how all this helped the other night. It meant so much, I was having a major wobble and you guys caught me, all of you (except one) thanks so much.
I struggle with this stuff as it's all I've ever known. If you are happy you have a smoke, sad - smoke, angry - smoke, bored - smoke. It goes on and on and on. I do think that because I started smoking quite heavily at 11 I never developed any stategies as an adult except to light one up.
But - I know now....and knowledge is power. Give me 6 more months or so and I'll be soooo over it
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xx
and I do apologise if I'm coming across a bit emotional as the green foreign national pointed out....I guess that is because I am a little emotional and I had warned you all that I was leaning toward the drama but........
Can't tell you how much that gets me. I don't know why.
Take it as a major vote of confidence 
Nearly end of Day 4, flipping Heck!!
11 weeks and finding it really hard now
WOW I'm not on my own!!!!
