Hi everyone, I wrote this last Friday night. I hadn’t wanted to post it because I didn’t want to detract from the successful and positive atmosphere that the forum has going right now. But on the advice of a very dear friend and purely on the basis that there may be others who are experiencing the same thing, here it is. It’s a long one. Jxx
If i work up the courage to come back to the forum then i will post this. I am writing this on my PC as right now I don’t think I have ever felt lower in my life. Who knew that quitting an addiction would be so emotional? Who knew that a nicotine addiction was quite so all-consuming as it is? How many smokers would actually define themselves as drug addicts? Probably only those who have tried to quit more than once. One of the main reasons I want to post this is because I KNOW there are many like me who join the forum and for one reason or another fail in their quit, and then worst of all – they don’t come back and post. They feel they are no longer “in the gang”, they feel they don’t belong, and because their addiction has got the better of them this time they feel too embarrassed to post amongst those who are succeeding. I know this because I am that soldier.
Ok, so when you are a novice SERIOUS quitter;( let’s face it, we’ve all had many half a***d attempts in the past; but when you really become very aware of the health, financial and social impacts your “habit” is having, then you become a serious quitter), why, excuse me, WHY do you have some ex-smokers and health professionals telling you that if during your quit you have “just one”, it’s ok??!! Wrong, wrong, wrong. It is soooooo not ok. That’s the really kooky thing about quitting, you.can’t.have.just.one. EVER.
And there’s the scary part. Not one ever.
So here’s where I fell down. Twice. I didn’t “manage” my quit properly. What i mean here is that I massively underestimated what i was dealing with. My first attempt was cold turkey, believing i was headstrong enough to do it. I’m not. To be honest the first 3 days were easy, but after that i just wasn’t strong enough to fight it on my own. 6 days i lasted before caving in spectacularly and spending the next 3 days smoking as much as i possibly could. Oh how i hated myself, what a dirty, grubby addict, can’t say no to a cigarette. Self-loathing knows no bounds.
“How not to do it No.2” started the next day with enthusiasm, patches and an inhalator. This was now my second week of disturbed sleep patterns, night sweats, unreasonable exhaustion and super-duper mega cravings that Jesus himself would have had trouble resisting. Not to mention the general head-up-backside-ness of it all, the sore throats, streaming nose, embarrassing cough, and extremely unhappy digestive system (possibly due to the days when I was eating like the proverbial pig at a trough). You see where I’m heading with this. Yes, the patches and the inhalator worked, however they also gave me a tiredness and exhaustion that i haven’t known since my first born daughter had colic. And to top it off, I couldn’t sleep! So 7 days in I’d had enough and needed a decent night’s sleep so desperately I didn’t put the patch on, (Ooohhhhhh dear). Yuh-huh, who’s the dummy?
Em, that would be me. Anyway, managed to get to day 10 and I must say that by this point my nicotine cravings were quite spectacular in their normality. E.g. “I don’t have any other vices”, “There are so few pleasures in life”, “It’s such a boring existence without them”, “What exactly are you putting yourself through this for??”, “You could get hit by a bus tomorrow”etc, etc, etc. I think I counted the money out my purse 3 times and put it back in again before the piece de resistance hit me, “You’re a grown woman, who the h**l’s going to stop you?!”, with which I slammed on my Nikes and sprinted to the shop. Not the shop i normally go to OBVIOUSLY, far too embarrassing. So, fast forward a few hours and several cigarettes later, and there I am puffing away in the back garden when I spot a relative walking past and try to make myself as small as possible whilst frantically trying to waft all the smoke away in case they see it drifting over the fence. I am how old exactly? And may I just add, this was DEFINITELY a low point for me.
I’m laughing at that now; I thought I was going to have a mild stroke at the time. Seriously, what a state to get in to.
Now in all honesty, every symptom i have mentioned here is NORMAL. The only thing wrong with the whole thing was me. I guess at the time i just wasn’t prepared to put myself through the grief, I couldn’t hold on to the end result firmly enough to make me chase the demons away. I am an addict. I am also a human being. “To err is human, to forgive is divine”. So here I am, lower than a snake’s belly, trying to make some sense of my emotions. If I’m so content being a smoker, why the hell am I in floods of tears? Self pity? Maybe. Crushing disappointment at my “failure”? Possibly. Fear of trying again? More than likely. Physical reaction to an overload of nicotine after a period of abstinence? Definitely. Know your demon.
So to all who like me are currently licking your wounds, we may have missed that particular curve ball we got thrown, but next time, or maybe even the time after that, we’ll be hitting a home run.
Quitting is more like making money than people understand. Go talk to 10 self made millionaires; 7 of them have probably been bankrupt at least once. Quitting is much the same, most take more than one attempt. Saying that I think it's important to understand the difference between a slipup, blip whatever one may call it, and a 'fail'.
Jenni well done for posting this, I'm sure there is going to be many others who have went through the same thing and just disappeared. I'm sure what you have written will help many others understand what they are going through and it may help them to deal with it and start again as I'm sure you will do.
Jenni, that is a fabulous post which I certainly can relate to. I really do believe that once, as a smoker, you have thought it through and taken the decision to stop, it doesn't matter how many attempts, eventually you will stop. Each attempt we make we experience something new, sometimes it's just down to timing, sometimes it's state of mind. But, once we have decided we are going to stop smoking, I don't think we can ever be 'happy' smokers again. We'll always be looking for that quit.
We will all get there, it may be today, or next week, but we'll all get there.
Never stop trying to stop, you are a very brave lady who has experienced some of the worst of the withdrawals by the sounds of it. But you are armed with that knowledge now. You will succeed, stick with it. Spend time getting in a positive frame of mind, positive about you, the future etc. Think of things that make you smile instead of dwelling on the things that don't.
Jenni be kind to yourself, sit back and say well done to you, you have been working very hard. Relax, and when you are ready give it another go but don't go looking for anything bad just come here when you need to and tell us what is happening and how you are feeling.
All of us are nicotine addicts, so we all know what it feels like no matter how many times we may have tried to stop. We all share your pain to one degree or another, trust us to help you and know that as the days pass it does get easier, none of us would ever have got this far if not.
Thank you all for your comments, I have to admit i was a little reticent about posting it but i see my worries were groundless
Lorraine, how right you are. What you said about never being a "happy" smoker again is so true. At the moment I'm just trying to get myself together and re-approach it from a more positive place. I read through Milena's thread last night, entitled "Me quitting", and the lady is just inspirational. Her unwavering positive attitude throughout her quit really gave me a boost, and made me wonder just how much of my torture was self-made. I'm doing some more reading and trying to re-educate my stubborn old brain.
I kept my appointment with my smoking nurse and due to some other symptoms I'd experienced it seems I had taken a reaction to the patches. I have made another appointment to see her again in a fortnight, by which time I hope to be firmly back on the wagon. The plan of action this time will be to have the inhalator at hand for the first couple of days and then get on the old cold turkey train to freedom. I'm just trying to shake off the last of the feelings of failure, and it was most definitely a "fail" Stav! I think the blips or slips are those that only involve one cigarette or even a couple of puffs which the person finds so repulsive they want to be sick Unfortunately I was back to chuffing away like an old steam train, sad, but true.
And Shazie, thank you, i really hope it will help someone else, and yes, I most definitely will get there in the end!
Thank you Jackie, we must have posted at the same time!
Your support means more to me than I can express. I so want to kick this ball and chain I'm dragging around, and I will, I just need to convince myself that I'm not actually giving anything up....I'm saving my life.
Without a doubt can relate to the thinking as i've been there a few or so times myself in the past, and while i beat myself up over it at the time, the experience of quitting and what led to me caving in helped me understand quite a bit more about what i needed to do to ensure better success next time. Put this down to experience, and learn from it is best, but never ever give up on trying to quit this addiction even if your nicotine demon tries to reason with you in the way that you described.
The good news is, its not always that way and you will definitely at some point quit, and remain quit because you've learned your lessons on how to make your own quit more solid.
My signature says Quit Attempt 4.. the reality for me is that 4 is just the last 3 years.. prior to that i was quite the serial quitter to the point the guy who works in my office here went 'yeah yeah' every time i said i was quitting again. In the end you set out to prove to everyone you really can do it, and something just clicks for you.
What a fabulous post, really honest. You hit the nail right on the head and dont worry about posting anything that is honest as knowledge is power. If we know what to expect and that others are going through it too then we get there together.
There are very few on here who are quitting first time...(checking my joining date and see I had one failed attempt here in 2007) but it is the keep on quitting message that seems to be working for me now.
You will get there my love, as will I. I think this time is it for me (I hope so as I never want to do these first few months again)
There is a lot of positivity and joking on here but it is a real support for everyone and we all cope in different ways.
Jase, Lorna, Chrissie, what can I say? I'm just blown away by the level of support and encouragement. I hadn't expected such lovely responses at all. In fact i hadn't really expected any
You have all shown just what can be achieved with the right frame of mind and the right support and I know i will be hobbling along in your footsteps very soon. I don't want to fail again, I want to be free like you.
Great post Jenni, and I am 100 % positive that u will have a very sucessfull quit very soon.... Everything u have said, I am sure most of us can relate to. Well u know the pitfalls now and seem very wise to them.. So I wish u the very best in your next quit, B Strong u can do this Kaz
I agree. Its good to post the bad and the good. Honesty is very important and if craves are underestimated then it can hit you harder. Better the devil you know... However, try not to build it up too much in your head. With the right mental state it can be easier. There are still knocks and lows on the way, but also massive highs and great boosts of self esteem. Well done for sharing this story, looking forward to supporting you on your way and seeing you in the penthouse next year! xx
Jenni, like Jase mentioned, some of us here are "serial quitters" I can't tell you how many times I've tried and tried and tried and I could relate to everything you said in your post. I've hidden in bushes, avoided people, sat in lay-bys secret smoking... you name it. So you standing in the garden trying to waft away the smoke is familiar territory!
So you tried and didn't make it, but that's a damn sight better than not trying at all.
Every time you quit you are a step closer to understanding what does and doesn't work for you. Get yourself armed, educated and ready for the fight soldier - you're going to do it. Ok.
>>>>The plan of action this time will be to have the inhalator at hand for the first couple of days and then get on the old cold turkey train to freedom.>>
Jenni can you explain the rational for this method of quiting?
>>>>The plan of action this time will be to have the inhalator at hand for the first couple of days and then get on the old cold turkey train to freedom.>>
Jenni can you explain the rational for this method of quiting?
I'm not sure that rationale has much to do with it Downunder. I've had a hard knock and my confidence is blown. I only ever used one capsule a day in the inhalator, it's more something to stick in my mouth and chew on....perhaps I'll use a pen:confused: Because my two attempts involved both NRT and cold turkey I am apprehensive about both. I am currently trying to get myself to a positive enough place to handle my quit. If i need a little psychological crutch for the first couple of days, it's not the end of the world is it?
Could you explain why you asked that question? Because if you have any tips for me I am more than open to hear them. As I said, I am a novice at this, so the wealth of your experience would be welcome.
>>>>The plan of action this time will be to have the inhalator at hand for the first couple of days and then get on the old cold turkey train to freedom.>>
Jenni can you explain the rational for this method of quiting?
Hi Downunder, I don't understand the reasoning behind this question. Does it really matter what rational there is for this method of quiting. Surely how someone quits is immaterial I would say the main aim is for them to quit smoking and for us to give them our help and support.
It appears you and I have quit first time CT and this is great but I don't believe because we and others quit first time everyone can.
I can explain your rational. Its called 'quithoweverthehellyoucan'! I've tried everything. CT's, NRTs the lot and failed many many times in the past. This time I threw chemist quit therapy, NRT and the forum at myself and it finally worked. As i said before, in my opinion its all about getting your head in the right place, and you seem to be doing a good job xx
To Fionacox, Polster, Kaz, Jack and Gary, Thank you all, i have appreciated and absorbed every word and your support and advice means the world.
I will, as you say Fionacox "quithoweverthehellyoucan"! It's a whole new world this quitting lark but I think I may be starting to understand it a little better. My quit date is Monday coming....and yes Polster, this time I AM going to do it I'll just take it a day at a time and next time i get consumed by cravings, instead of giving in, I will post on here and wait for some replies, by which time the little bugger should have got bored and trotted off to annoy someone else
It works for me when I get a craving I pop on here and after reading a couple of posts I have got over the crave bit, Plus I get a bit of strengh to carry on
If you take it a little bit at a time you will be surprised that the day has gone and a new day has begun
It works for me when I get a craving I pop on here and after reading a couple of posts I have got over the crave bit, Plus I get a bit of strengh to carry on
If you take it a little bit at a time you will be surprised that the day has gone and a new day has begun
good luck with your quit
Bill
Bill you're dead right I still get into bed at night and think I've done it again, another day, I feel good and sigh.
Jenni in answer to you last post and hoping the Vivienne won't get jealous I wanted to say "That's ma girl"
Jenni, I can remember very vividly feeling like you do/did. I am so glad now I am meeting people like me on here, even though In have been through many quits, all of them have seemed like hell, all of them felt so life threatening so tragic.
For some reason for me this time it doesn't feel like I am going to explode, this could be put down to ...
1. the weather
2. my age
3. the amount of times I have tried
4. the cycle of the moon
5. the method of quit
6. The stroke I had
7. My finances
8. The day of the week
9. The tide table
10. My cough
11 ..........etc
I think we can all relate to what you have written, and if not you were not addicted.
I hated smoking but I was heavily addicted, each time I did the patches etc I realised that actually all I wanted from the fag was the nicotine - I am an addict. I am not a feeble creature that can't stop smoking, Nicotine has its hooks in me and what I have to do it get through the addiction - never one puff, never patches, never inhaler - Nicotine turns me into a junkie
Don't feel bad about yourself, and if you are smoking, come here, if you don't want to feel ' outside the gang' come in, read and ready yourself for your next go at it.
I used Champix and read a lot of Joels stuff in doing this I understand what The Old Nick does. Talk to me any time, smoker or non smoker - PM me if you want
I hated smoking but I was heavily addicted, each time I did the patches etc I realised that actually all I wanted from the fag was the nicotine - I am an addict. I am not a feeble creature that can't stop smoking, Nicotine has its hooks in me and what I have to do it get through the addiction - never one puff, never patches, never inhaler - Nicotine turns me into a junkie
Sharron, Thank you so much for this, for your honesty. You sound just like me and this is what makes me hopeful; that everyone here is the same, that i wasn't experiencing some kind of unique hell, and that it can be beaten. I am beginning to look forward to my quit rather than fearing it, and although I know it won't be easy I have all of you here to walk beside.
And Jack, God forbid i come between you and Vivienne! But thank you again
Sorry Jenni, I did not mean to upset you, that was not my intention at all.
The words
<<<The plan of action this time will be to >>
lead me to beleive that you had though it through and this was a decision/plan on a way to quit that would work for you for some reason/s. I was interested in understanding how that was going to be helpful, that is all.
By all means try anything you want to stop smoking. I think as long as you keep trying, that is all that matters. I admire the ability to keep facing week 1. It was very hard and I never want to do it again and am not sure I could do it again. You are much stronger than I am.
Thanks for getting back Downunder, and hey, no worries I guess I'm a little vulnerable at the moment and I didn't understand your very brief post.
We are all in the same boat, and no, I am not stronger than you at all. I have nothing but respect for your obvious determination in your quit. That's something I've really struggled with before but I hope with the help of this forum that I will see it through this time.
This is a very old thread which I decided to bump up for all you guys who keep trying and think you are failures. ( the so called serial quitters) I thought it might help you to understand you are not alone.
There are a few names on here who are no longer on the forum but that does not mean they did not eventually quit.
I have just joined this forum after managing two weeks off them. Last weekend I had a night out and smoked! Now im struggling big time. This place seems like an amazing place for support and your post has helped me get back some of the drive ive lost! Its good knowing that others are going through the same thing, the part when you said you went to the shops, not your usual one, reaally hit home... i did that a few days ago! im back on it tomorrow!!! Thanks!
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Unfortunately I was back to chuffing away like an old steam train, sad, but true.
