Nearly five months down the drain :(

So stupid

Yesterday there was a crisis and one of my kids who is staying away at granny's had to be taken to a&e (she's ok). I had no way of getting to her and last night had too much wine and went and bought 10cigs and smoked them all. Woke up this morning, house stinking, ash everywhere and spent most of the morning with my head in a bucket.

Bitterly disappointed with myself. I was so proud to be able to tick the non-smoking boxes at the gym and the doctors forms. To see my little counter hit 140 days. To run 10miles on my previous 20 a day lungs. To make my dad proud of me as he hates smoking.

So p***ed off with myself and nicotine but mainly myself. The first few weeks of stopping was hell and now I'm worried it's going to be the same again. The worst part of it is that little voice in my head telling me you've already broke your quit and have to start back on day one - why not buy some more today and start again tomorrow?

Could cry but I'm gonna have to stop feeling sorry for myself and own my mistake. Sorry really no point in this post just random thoughts.

14 Replies

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  • First of all, I hope that your little one is ok. Secondly, lots of people have relapses. I think on here they call them 'blips'. Many people have carried on after. Though you may have put nicotine back in your system, you have still broken the actual habit of physically smoking and therefore it would be easier to carry on your quit now than if you started again for a couple of weeks.

    Look at all you have accomplished as a non-smoker and ask yourself if you want to lose all that over one wine-driven night. The only way to assuage your guilt over last night will be to carry on.

    Only you can decide but I hope that you stick with your quit. 5 months is such a long time and if it is just one night I really don't think you will have to start from Day 1 again x

  • Thank you for your reply kirstiedee, I actually welled up a bit. Man, really am emotional today.

    Little one is getting better. Viral high temperature but as she's only one they played it safe by taking her to hospital. So hard to hear her cry over the phone and not be able to hold her :(

    Not smoking was totally not bothering me too. Haven't used a lozenge or spray in ages until yesterday when I tried it before I bought the smokes. Can't even go for a run as I've hurt my knee. Woe is me.

  • I'm really glad your little girl is ok and it was nothing to worry about.

    How you approach this fall from the wagon is entirely down to you, IMHO a puff or two, at the very most one cig, is a blip, to buy a packet and smoke the lot really says "sod it, I've started so I'll finish". I hope you jump straight back on the wagon and take with you the valuable lesson that this addiction is not to be taken lightly, you are already falling for the "I'll quit tomorrow" train of thought and that is a really dangerous place to be - that together with feeling sorry for yourself is not a brilliant combination, you really need to dig deep and draw out every strong feeling for quitting that you have, otherwise it will be weeks, months or maybe years until we see you back ready to start over again. I note you can't go for a run, may I ask how far you had to walk to get your cigs last night? perhaps you could go for a long gentle stroll, or even a swim - no pressure at all on the joints there and the endorphins from the exercise might just be what you need. Be strong ;)

  • Hi Sage

    Really feel for you. There are some wondrous, kind words here which I would only repeat, so I do hope you are being kind to yourself in response to your reaction to some awful news.

    Someone once said to me something along these lines: that it's not the 'fall' or 'mistake' that is the real issue - it's our response or reaction to the incident itself that is the test, as depending on that reaction, we can choose to either add suffering on top of what we're already dealing with (by berating ourselves, etc), or use it as an opportunity to choose a different way and learn how to treat ourselves more compassionately (for having failed).

    (PS: I'm looking forward to practising what I preach! But I'm on the journey).

    Good luck and sending you and your family all best wishes, and hoping that you start to feel better about things...

  • Hi, just wanted to echo what other peeps have said.

    I do hope you can pick your self back up and start again:) I for one had a blip as I like to call it, and I did start a new quit date, that said you have been doing such a fantastic quit, and the shock of the little one at hospital and not being able to get there is such a terrible situation to be in.

    Am sure on reflection you have realised my lovely , that having a fag did not help, and so as you move forward you will have learnt it did nothing for you, so lesson learnt.

    Please don't be hard on your self life happens, and right now you have a choice, I do hope you choose to carry on the quit....

    Just keep going my lovely.... We all have shakey moments if we are honest...

    Good look my sweet

  • Thank you so much for the very kind words. I have taken them all on board.

    In answer to questions; Yes I smoked every disgusting ten of them and the shop is only five minutes away but as I was half tiddled I didn't feel my knee pain then :o I would love to get a bit of an endorphin rush on but have to wait to see the physio next week.

    I think I'll knock myself back to day one as ten cigarettes is a bit much. Well one is a bit much but you know what I mean. It wouldn't sit right in my head.

    I have given myself a stern talking to. My half marathon is in two months so becoming a smoker again does not equate into that equation. I've saved over £1000 in the last few months not smoking. I cannot afford to take up that horrible habit again. 'Luckily' I have been too sick to do anything other than scrape myself off the sofa to make tea so all shops are avoided. If I stop now rather than later I've lost some of the associations already so it should be easier (fingers crossed)

    Day one and so far I did not smoke today :D

  • So stupid

    Yesterday there was a crisis and one of my kids who is staying away at granny's had to be taken to a&e (she's ok). I had no way of getting to her and last night had too much wine and went and bought 10cigs and smoked them all. Woke up this morning, house stinking, ash everywhere and spent most of the morning with my head in a bucket.

    Bitterly disappointed with myself. I was so proud to be able to tick the non-smoking boxes at the gym and the doctors forms. To see my little counter hit 140 days. To run 10miles on my previous 20 a day lungs. To make my dad proud of me as he hates smoking.

    So p***ed off with myself and nicotine but mainly myself. The first few weeks of stopping was hell and now I'm worried it's going to be the same again. The worst part of it is that little voice in my head telling me you've already broke your quit and have to start back on day one - why not buy some more today and start again tomorrow?

    Could cry but I'm gonna have to stop feeling sorry for myself and own my mistake. Sorry really no point in this post just random thoughts.

    I've been there myself and blown a significant quit by smoking a ten pack (just short of a year in my case). At first I thought I'd got away with it - and then precisely because I thought I'd got away with it, I thought the odd one wouldn't hurt... You can probably guess the rest - before I knew it I was right back where I started, and it took over four years before I managed to quit again:mad::mad:

    So I won't say it say never mind, it doesn't matter - because it does matter, hugely.

    Think of it like this - the "should I / shouldn't I go back to day one" debate really isn't important. What is important is that you recognise you are standing at a crossroads. When we start to smoke we all grow a little demon inside our heads, and he is with you forever, until your dying day. What all successful quitters manage to do is starve him - he will kick and scream at first, but eventually he will go to sleep and we get on with our lives quite happily as if he isn't there (but never forget that he is there, and he's a very light sleeper).

    Make no mistake though, one whiff of food and he'll wake up and beat on the door demanding more, and you're right back where you started. Far from being a nasty little habit, smoking is pure and simple drug addiction, to one of the most addictive substances out there. There is no half way house, it's a binary choice - you're either actively feeding the addiction, or you aren't.

    So ask yourself - have you woken your demon? If not, then lucky you, huge lesson learned, you are one of the very few to get away with it, carry on as you were but be very vigilant in the coming weeks if you feel him stirring inside you.

    If you have woken your demon, you're faced with two options - starve him into submission again, or feed him right back to full strength:eek::eek:

  • Wow, Eggster

    That is extremely powerful to read and has certainly woken me up, nevermind Nicodemon...A brilliant reminder for me, as a newbie, of the truth of the situation, and hopefully more incentive to keep bracing the challenging days for the sake of the on going long term goal...

  • Good analogy Eggster, what a fab way if describing it. Totally agree, don't deliberate over whether its day one or not. Just dust yourself down, clean up the house and carry on quitting, many fall down but its those that pick themselves up, acknowledge the mistake and carry on that become successful. And NO don't have another fag, accept the next few days will be hard but onwards and upwards.

    Glad the child is OK btw

  • Thank you Eggie for the post, I was redirected here by Badgepup.

    It's fantastic, and summarizes the triggers and what we should do when it comes. Crossroads. I'm doing a screen capture, to re-read it in my weaker moments.

    And Sage, month 5 or day 1, it shouldn't matter too much, because in my mind, you are someone I aspire to because, whatever happened, you did:

    (a) Reached month 5, and broke all the habits, triggers.

    (b) Signed up for a 21 km, half marathon. I always chickened out, hopefully I get to do one the later part of this year, do let us know your timing !

    (c) And really, you are a non-smoker. That Day 1 counter, is simply that, a counter. :D

    Hope everything goes well for you, and you have a fab Sunday !

  • Excellent post Egg and describes exactly what happened to me on a previous quit. I thought I'd quit for 4 months but with all the little blips my demon was still as big and demanding as week 1.

    That's what you don't get when you're smoking, you have to kill the demon and the only way is to starve it. The counting days is not really counting days it's shrinking the demon and when you take a puff you stop/reverse the process. That's why you're back at day 1 again not because of an arbitary rule here but because the demon is back on your shoulder.

    What really destroyed me that time was: I was under the illusion that I'd quit for 4 months. I thought if it's still so difficult after 4 months, I'm a smoker for life. Took me years to try again. When I really did quit for 4 months, it was one hec of a difference, the devil was tiny by month 4.

    Get back on the horse quick while the devil's still small.:D

  • Hi Sage,

    Hope you feel better about yourself today (and that your little girl is better too). What a rotten combination of events. :(

    I can add nothing to the fabulous words of wisdom the others have already provided so will just send a virtual hug or six your way along with my best wishes for your renewed quit. Straight back on the horse is my advice, learn from the experience, put it behind you and move on. :)

  • Wow, Eggster

    That is extremely powerful to read and has certainly woken me up, nevermind Nicodemon...A brilliant reminder for me, as a newbie, of the truth of the situation, and hopefully more incentive to keep bracing the challenging days for the sake of the on going long term goal...

    Hey Badger, don't call yourself a newbie, you've been practicing this for twenty five years:rolleyes::rolleyes:

  • Hey sage,

    Hope you are ok and your little girl is too. I think you are a brave lady and wish you all the luck in your smoke free quest. :)

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