Hello, I'm brand new here. I'm desperate and I'm panicky at the moment. I decided to search for a place where I can have support to quit and I want to win this time.
This is my third attempt to quit, and they say "third time's a charm" in most things...I hope it can apply to my quitting smoking.
My reasons for quitting:
1. I'm a homemaker - no kids -just a cat and a husband, and I'm tired of smoking running my life, my thoughts.
2. I'm tired of lying to my husband, family and friends.
3. I'm tired of not having enough energy or enough money.
4. I'm tired of not wanting to leave my house, so I can smoke alone.
My background (sorry if its too long, but I need to come clean.): I've been smoking since my mid-twenties. I am newly turned 40 years old, December 31, 2007. I promised myself that I would quit on my birthday and never smoke again. That did not happen.
Nearly six years ago, I met and married my husband and we live a lifestyle wherein smoking is against our beliefs and ideals. My husband quit smoking 6 years ago, shortly after our wedding. I quit with him and didn't smoke for 8 months. One day my brother came over to see me, and he went out on my balcony to smoke, and I felt I could have "just one" and be done with it. Well, that 1 - turned into over 4 years of smoking - with my husband's knowlege....it took me awhile to tell him, but I eventually did....our agreement was - when we move out of our apartment and get a house, I had to quit and not bring this bad habit into our new home. I had a free pass, cause we weren't gonna get a house in forever! It wasn't gonna happen anytime soon.
Well, 4 years later, we finally got a home and moved in (October 2007), I quit for 2 weeks. And it was EASY. However, my Dad came to visit us from out of town, and brought his cigarettes with him....Once again, I had to have just one. I knew what I was doing. But, I could not resist! I just could not resist it. And my Dad is so cool with everything...so about doing what he wants when he wants...he didn't blink. He only told me, "you're doing great, why start again?" I blame myself, not him. But, I do wish I had had more support.
That one puff has turned into 3 mos. now of me smoking - SECRETLY - from my husband, my family (except for my Mom and Dad who know.), and my friends. Lots of mouthwash, and my husbands long work hours, keeps it hidden.
I love when my husband goes to work, because I go outside and light up off and on all day. I don't drive, yet...so my friend takes me to the store and sits outside in her car while I go in...Unknowingly she is helping me buy cigarettes...and I buy 4 packs at a time. I only smoke on average 5 cigarettes a day, so those 4 packs can last me 2 weeks. I've never been a pack a day smoker. It's a very expensive habit, and I'm tired of spending my money on it.
At this time, on this day...1-22-08, I have a half a cigarette left...and I'm tired of the charade. I'm tired of spending my money and deceiving those around me. I'm freaking out. I want to be normal, but I'm afraid to not have my cigarettes when I get that awful urge.
Thanks for listening. I am gonna take it one day at a time. That's all I can do. Oprah had a show on this morning about quitting. I feel it's a sign for me. I hope I can find support here, because I've gotta do this cold turkey and this forum is all I have. There's no money for pills or dvd's or patches, nothing...there's no excuse for me to buy them, 'cause I'm supposed to have quit back in October...my hubbie won't understand the need for it. Do you see my dilemma? Please help me through this, that's all I ask.