Hello! As you can see in my profile, I am 21 years old and I am finally ready to get serious about losing weight. It's been a hard struggle all my life, being taller than my friends and having a different body shape. I have had problems with my body image since I was about 7 years old. It's crazy to think young girls like myself have this issue. It all really began when I started eating in private. I used to sneak into the kitchen late at night and take galaxy and milkyway cake bars and hide the wrappers in a shoe box under my bed. Until my mum found it and she was very dissappointed. It was very gready of me, so karma kicked in and I developed a sugar habit. I love chocolate and can eat a whole tub of chocolate spread to myself. Even if it makes me feel sick half way through, I continue, the same with peanut butter. It's quite disgusting really.
I did lose weight in high school without even realising. Despite my poor eating habits, I have always been active. I was in the school netball and rounders teams throughout high school and primary. In high school our teacher would even enter my friends an I into random competitions, even if we weren't amazing at the sport. It was since leaving high school I began to put the weight back on. In college I was an okay weight, but I didn't do any exercise, I just went out with my friends a lot. Nowadays, I don't really do anything. I had a rough two years to be honest though, which has really got me down.
When I was 4 years old I was raped by my cousin. I never spoke about it until I had a breakdown when I was 18 years old. I fell out with a friend who was also raped as a child by her parents, she never knew about what happened to me, but after seeing her use her past as a way to manipulate others really got to me. Also, I saw that she had been searching 'I like being raped' on Google and despite this could have been a random question just to see whether people do enjoy that, it upset me and I really couldn't handle being friends with her any longer. It was since then that I became enclosed and found it hard to manage my thoughts, it really sent me quite crazy. For those past three years I just began to lose my sense of integrity. I developed epilepsy due to stress and failed college. I felt wrong for opening up about my past to close friends and my imediate family and then began to hate myself.
The Summer after I went to Berlin for three months on a youth exchange. That was probably my favourite holiday yet. I went away with an organisation I had been volunteering for since I was 9 years old and my boyfriend, who I had only been with since the September beforehand, came too. I was able to shadow a media artist whilst I was there and although I didn't tell her about my problems, she acted like a Mum to me for the whole time I was there and I really felt like I was finally getting my life back together. Unfortunately, this all came to an end when I returned home. Sadly, my Uncle passed away and my family were distraught. The week before the funeral I went out with some friends. It was a fun night because everyone who went to my college were out as most of them were back off to uni the week later. We were at a pub which we all used to go to so I felt happy because I hadn't seen most of these people for a long time. Then, I saw him. My cousin who I avoid at all costs, for some reason was at this pub. The pub was in the town nearby and I have never seen him on a night out, ever. As soon as he spotted me, he came over and put his arm around me, shouting to his friends 'hey look, it's my cousin'. Then he began showing my friends his passport... just to prove we were related which was strange. I ended up crying in private and told my two close friends that, that was him. They wanted to batter him because they were so angry, but I said no. Later that night as I filled up on gin and tonic, he took me to the side and told me to tell my friends to stop staring at him. I then confronted him about what had happened and he went mad. Called his brother to come to town and then I was asked by the bouncers to go outside as he was there. I then just cried in public and well, I think I should leave there as basically, the whole family found out and since, I have felt like I have ruined the family. I shouldn't have said anything as it was a week before the funeral. I felt awful.
Now, it has been a year and a half since. I have spent most of this time questioning my life and staying in the house. My boyfriend has helped a lot, just by being there and my friends also have been supportive. I know I'm a strong woman though and so haven't seeked proffessional help. So to conquer this fear, I have just tried to live my life as normally as possible. It took a long time to get rid of my negative thoughts which were constantly circuling my mind. They are still there, but they're not as disturbing. Exercise has definitely helped though.
I did a half marathon in January, so I know I can work out. I just have to keep to it. I also did a 77 mile hike over 5 days from Fort William to Inverness a month ago which really helped clear my mind. If anyone has any troubles, no matter what they are, I believe that hiking is a great way to rehabilitate your mind and body. The fresh air, the open space, natural surroundings. It's brilliant.
So now the road to recovery is getting serious. I have secured a Digital Marketing internship at my local shopping centre and I have an interview to start college in September. I want to work in Theatre so I'm hoping to do a two year BTEC in Technical Theatre and Stage Management. It will mean travelling to Liverpool, but it will defintely be worth it. I am starting Yoga on Monday at a local community centre and also Netball on Tuesdays. I will begin running at least 3 times per week and strength training, which Yoga fits in well with, twice a week. I want this to become part of my weekly routine because I enjoy exercise, it's just hard to build up the confidence sometimes when you've been out of the game for a while. I am going to control my diet as well. I've stopped eating meat recently, just to see what it is like. I'll probably eat it again, but for the time being I want to see whether I can keep my protein levels up by eating other sources i.e. nuts and quorn. I'm cutting out unnatural sugars from my diet also, mainly because they just make me feel lazy. Again, I will probably eat choclate again, I just need to focus on building a healthy life style, so for the time being it would be a healthy choice.
Thanks for reading. I will posting about my progress often and so if you're interested, please follow me on my road to recovery. I'm hoping all these changes, if built up slowly, will help reduce my stress levels, build my confidence, help me lose weight and think more clearly.
If you have any comments or advice, feel free to message me. I'm all ears!