Morning all, For years now I have devoted my life to my family! there have been some upsets along the way, "some self inflicted" and others well beyond my control or completely unforeseen, as some of you will be aware from my previous posts. I have only had three jobs in my working career which covers a 40 year span (this September), they have been seamless without a day unemployed.
Again as some of you may recall I joined Health unlocked last year as I felt it was time to really start looking after myself and lose a couple of stones, to get back to my ideal weight of around 13 stone, so off I went following the 12 week plan and was making steady progress, then just before Christmas last year I gained severe pains in my right hand which turned out to be the onset of Osteoarthritis and set me back with my weight loss training plan, until I could eventually get the cortisone injection needed to relieve the pain. With this done and some considerable time passing I came back here and was a "Re-start", again I got back on track and started losing weight and lost around 6 lbs, which I was pleased with. At the end of July we went on our family holiday which was brilliant, and upon my return had put on just over a 1lb in weight, which I could accept (Greek food and beer for two weeks), so weighed in last week with Tuesday Trimmers and wasn't feeling to bad.
But since getting back off holiday if it could go wrong it has, the boiler in the house packed in, my Dad was taken into hospital 450 miles away from where I live (he's now home in Newcastle), HMRC now say I'm not entitled to 'Child benefit' this year or last year and must pay it all back, even though I sorted it out with them last year with official letters from my kids school and college head teachers, my wife and I don't appear to be as close as we once were and we only seem to make small talk,so loneliness is setting in. And finally for some reason around 50 of my garden pond fish have been dieing off over a period of two weeks.
Due to this my focus has not been on losing weight, in fact to be honest I've just though to myself, "whats' the point???" yes I understand the long term health benefits, but no matter how I try to ensure my family are safe secure and provided for, and everything I do and have done all my life has been above board, I still get the rough end of the stick, and don't appear to be able to break the cycle, as everything that happens is random, or unforeseen.
So I'm sorry to say that this week I let the Tuesday Trimmers down, by putting on another 2lbs, and why you may say has this happened, well it because I can't see the point in my efforts, as all of the above happened over the last few weeks I have visited the Cake cupboard an more occasions that I would care to mention, I have broken my limit of only having a beer on a Friday night with my mates, and I haven't been in my gym since coming home on the 7th of August.
I'm hoping that I can snap out of this, and get back on track again but I can'see anything positive and nearly every minute of the day I'm wondering What's Next?
Hope you are all having a more successful time than myself at the moment.
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NinjaW78
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Ah, the big question. I reckon you'll get a different answer from everyone you ask! Sounds like you've been hit with a few body blows, sometimes life is just like that though, everything is ticking over and then it all goes up the creek in a heartbeat.
Had a boiler go out on me once, but only one in 25 yrs of living in houses with them so fair do's. People get old, get sick, sounds like you are living away from your hometown, maybe away from family, that's a choice some people make. My Mum spends half her time in California, the other half in the UK, my sister and her family live in AbuDhabi, I work in Saudi 6 months of the year while my wife and son are at home. It's different for everyone. Sure I'd feel bad if they got ill, but it's a choice I've made to move away, have to tough it out unless they are on deaths door.
No idea about your fish mate, never had them but know that you can do everything right and still lose them from something completely out of your control. Friend of mine had about 10 grands worth of fancy koi fish decimated by a mink or some other wild predator. It was just killing them for sport rather than food, fish laying all over the place when he'd look out of the window in the morning. And the missus, sheesh, happens to us all I should imagine, I've certainly had ups and downs, but one or the other reaches a point, it gets talked about and then we put the effort in. Easy to become used to someone and take them for granted after a long time, you have to both put some effort in to keep the spark alive.
So what's it all about, well, if you knew it was all going to end today, what would you think of your life? If you say to yourself, I've done alright, looked after those I care about, fair play to you, If not, what would you change? Being healthy is just part of it, easier to enjoy life when you're healthy, usually get more time to enjoy it too. There's no hard and fast rule, it's all a big balancing act. There's always going to be someone happier, richer, better looking, stronger than you are, just as there will be those not as well off, uglier, sicklier that would kill to be in your shoes.
You have to roll with the punches, prepare for the worst, hope for the best.
What a great response to my post, it's carefully and considerately worded, and I appreciate it. Don't get me wrong we have been together for 25 years and have had difficult and great times during this period, but the last few weeks has just been relentless, and I think that this is where me and Ali have become battle weary, so we plod on overcoming each hurdle!! but at what cost? to be honest I think we've got to the stage where; because we have both tackled these recent and in some cases expensive issues head on neither of us want to talk about it any further as it just prolongs the downturn in our happiness especially as the after glow of our superb holiday is still fresh in our minds, I'm sure we'll come out the other side, brush ourselves off and move on. But God I hope it's soon, then I can concentrate on losing this weight for next year.
Sorry this appears to have turned into a bit of a counselling session and not what this forum is all about, so I apologise for this. Sorry guys.
Awww Ninja, I'm so sorry that you have all of this piling in on you, at the moment. The saying 'It never rains, but it pours', seems sadly apt! I'm going to send you a big hug, so that you know that you're not alone and that somebody cares. XOXOXOX
On a more practical note, everything that's weighing you down, needs to be put back in perspective, because you're completely overwhelmed by it, at the moment.
Make a list and work through it steadily. Changing what you can and accepting what you can't.
I can fully empathise with your Child Benefit problem, as my daughter had the same happen to her with tax credits and my husband with his tax. At the very least, negotiate repayment terms.
As distressing and disappointing as all of this is, you know yourself that eating cake won't take it away, or make you feel good, longer than it takes to swallow and eventually, will make you feel a whole lot worse.
My advice, for what it's worth, deal with the practicalities, get down to the gym and thrash out your emotions and talk to your wife about how you're feeling. You've made the right decision to come on here and chat to us. I hope writing things down has helped to put things back in perspective and that you're starting to see the wood, from the trees.
Thanks for the big hug, and appreciate you kind words. But it appears that the harder you work; the more diligent you are; the more you suffer!!! It just grates me that the boiler (only 8 years old) has cost us £600 to repair, that a couple with two Children can have an accumulated income of well in excess of £45,000 than our gross family income and still get full Child benefit, but as for myself (the main bread winner in the house) I now find out from HMRC that I fall into the taxation bracket and I have to pay over £3,000 back even though I dealt with them in 2016 and they said every thing was OK. however what can you do??? As you say "weather the storm" and I'll ride the tide and hope it subsides.
I do understand how it rankles, as that's what happened to my hubby, because of his pension! You work all your life, to be independent and end up being penalised, whereas someone who's never worked is entitled to everything
Try not to stress too much, it's only you that will be hurt by it.
Hi Ninja-at least it can only get better and I'm sure it helped getting it all out of your system-forget the 2lb gain but I hope you don't mind me asking why do you have a cake cupboard? Its too easy to eat the wrong things if they are there. hope you are soon feeling positive again
The 'cake cupboard' is a loose term we use for the bottom shelf in one of the wall cupboards in the kitchen, a term like 'cutlery draw' (Knifes and forks) or cleaning cupboard (household cleaning products).
The Cake cupboard (as we call it) has recipe books, baking trays, sandwich bags etc, etc. And it only has a few items like Jaffa cakes, Chocolate digestives, or the kids lunch box fillers in.
I'm not worried about the two pounds put on, as I know I can lose it again, but it's just a clear mind would be great to move on from the really bad couple of weeks.
You seem a bit depressed ninjaW78 and things are getting you down. You won’t like my advice but here it is anyway. Hit the gym big time. Make it an essential part of your day. It really helps when you have problems and puts everything in perspective. You’ll also feel better physically. It would be good for you particularly because it would be something you are doing for yourself. Wishing you all the very best.
Hello Ninja, I am so sorry that you are having such a bad time. Things do seem to come all at once don't they. You are under a lot of pressure. Not surprising the focus has moved away from your diet.
Please talk to your wife, she is probably feeling the same as you, try and find a bit of time for just the two of you. I do understand, we were under a lot of pressure earlier this year connected to family and my husband and I were like like passing ships, just speaking when necessary and both trying to cope the best we could - somehow some days, not talking seemed to be the easiest way to deal with it.
I think Stevo and Moreless have summed it all up really well and can't add anything, except about your fish.
It has been really hot this year and according to Hubby, the heat will take away the oxygen, you then get nitrates and this can kill your fish. The answer apparently could be an air pump, or if you have a big pond, more than one. You probably already know this and I have been no help whatsoever
Wishing you all the best and as my Mum always says - nothing lasts for ever - I am sure things will improve for you very soon.
Sending hugs ((()))
I cannot say anything that hasn’t been said already other than sometimes you have to hit rock bottom to give you a platform from which you get up. 😊
Look in the mirror.......that’s what it is all for!
Yes this situation is horrible, difficult to see a way out of......but at the end of the day.....you are worth it. Being healthier has got to help you cope better.
Oh ninja you didn't let anyone down on Tuesday but we did miss you.
As mission 17 said, I think you are depressed, maybe your wife is too, unless you talk you won't find out.
You have been married 25 years well done you two, I'm sure in those last 25 years you have had similar things pilling up and going wrong before and your still here, you came through it, and you came through it together.
Try to look as the positives instead of the negatives if you can, you just had a lovely holiday together, that's lovely, a lot of people who slog there guts out everyday can't afford a holiday, your boiler broke and you had the money to fix it, there are people who have had to live with broken boilers for many months as they didn't have the money to fix it.
You and your wife have drifted apart, it can & most probably be fixed, some people have lost their partners through cancer or some other horrendous thing and won't be able to fix that,
You are together safe with a roof over your head thanks to all your & your wife's hard work over the years and you were able to pay for all those other things because of your hard work, you have a job, that's a positive, a lot of people are getting made redundant & worked all there life & wondering how on earth they are going to pay their bills, on top of that they have to wait months for universal credit and have no money so get behind with the mortgage or rent & have to use food banks, then they get evicted they are so behind with rent. (Thankfully I'm not talking from experience)
I'm sure you know what I'm getting at, sometimes we get so bogged down with things we can't see the good things and the positives in life.
We are all dealt difficult horrendous things to deal with in life, but it how we deal with them that makes the difference, I've been dealt some horrendous things incuding severe disabilities when i was very active but I'm a optomist and try to look at the positives, its the way i keep going and keep smiling, we can either sink with the blows or swim our or swim our way out through them.
I'm sorry if I seem harsh as I really don't mean to be, just treasure who you have and what you have while you have it, you never know what tomorrow may bring.
Forget the diet for now just eat healthy and take good care of yourself and your family too.
Thanks Newme55, you have been frank and honest in your response, and no one could ask for more than that, and although I have always appreciated that there is (unfortunately for them) someone out there that is worse off than myself, we have not gone through life unscathed.
19 years ago it was my wife's birthday on the 28th of April, then on the 3rd of May her mum (49 years old) died of Bowel cancer, then it was my birthday on the 21st of May, and then my Mum died (52 years old) sadly due to a fall she had in her house due to her alcoholism ,before anyone comments: I did try to get her sectioned, however the powers that be said until she either admits she has an drink problem, or the drink becomes a hazard to her own health there was nothing they could do, so one day with a heavy heart I went into Social Services and the person who said the couldn't help my mum and threw her death certificate across the desk, they asked what it was, I told them to read it: when they did I told them they don't have to worry about my mum anymore and hoped the enjoyed the rest of their day!!, I snatched the death certificate from their hands and stormed out ,so within one month our world was turned upside down, all of a sudden we had no Nan's for our Kids to be. Then five years later her Dad (67 years old) had Dementia, declined rapidly and also passed away.
And now I find out that my Dad has 'Parkinson's disease Dimentia' (84 years old), and this is taking hold really fast, so hopefully you will appreciate we have had our share of upset in the past, and I appreciate your 'Financial analogy' mentioned in your post, however you can recover from that, but we cannot bring back our family that passed away to soon, and this was the point of my initial post "Life what's it all about??" as the disappointment and upset is never ending.
I can sympathise with this NinjaW78 as our children have also grown up without any grandparents, I used to get so jealous of other young Mums out shopping or in the park with their own Mum, it hurts twice, once for yourself and again for them.
I think you are definitely having a rough time just now, but please take care of yourself, you deserve this. Maybe have a look at the Happiness Challenge, daily gratitude practice can be useful.
But don’t rule out seeking professional help if you feel you may benefit. Life can be cruel sometimes and we all need a helping hand at times.
Oh yes it does hurt exactly as you say, all of the times we have been out when the kids were young, and you see grandparents out with their grandchildren at parks, you feel so empty, or when you just need to have a chat with your Mum (as everyone does from time to time even Men!!) that option is not there. Or when it comes to Birthdays or Christmas celebrations when big family get togethers happen, you look across the room and see empty chairs where they should be, that pain never goes away.
No, it never goes, but you do learn to live with that big hole in your life. We were both blessed with wonderful parents and very happy childhoods and, I hope, have learnt from them with regards to raising our own three. I get great pleasure from seeing them develop into amazing adults 😊
Take care of yourself, you know where we are if you need anything 😊
I think that's what effects us all the most, is that for some of us we were blessed with grandparents throughout our childhood and we know what is missing,we loved and learnt so much from them, and they are sadly missed to this day and always will be!
So what do you do when your children do not have that experience of grandparents? you double your efforts to try and fill that void and you try to instill those values that you were taught by your own grandparents in the vain hope that you can at least bridge that gap, but it will never be the same as if they were here with us.
Never mind, all we can do us dust ourselves down and do the best we can, then pray as they leave the nest we have given them all of the love they deserve and prepared them for their own individual life ahead, and hope that we will be around to enjoy playing in the park with our Grandchildren when they arrive!!, but not too soon, I want to travel first (selfish or what?????)
One of my major incentives is to be a fit and active Granny. I heard a quote on here some time ago, a lady overheard her grandchild saying “is the the Granny who plays with us or the Granny that sits in a chair” . . . I know which Granny I want to be.
And the travelling . . . How wonderful it is to be fit enough to travel, but have the wisdom to appreciate it (and a little extra cash to have an AirBnB rather than a hostel) I’m actually fitter now than I was in my 20’s and 30’s (certainly slimmer) I wish you many happy years of travelling 😊
Well good luck to you, I wish I was as fit as my 20s/30s but sadly to many broken bones from motorcycles/ football/ and various other contact sports have slowed me down over the years, so getting out of bed in the morning is like listening to a muted glockenspiel as my bones/joints click into place :-).
Forget the money "AirBnB" as long as your in good company on the travels a tent would do
The travelling is not about the accommodation in my eyes, its all about who's there to share it with you.
(And so endeth the lesson, now lets stand and sing the hymn "All things bright and Beautiful". )
I’d just like to add talk to your wife it may be difficult and not easy to do. But you’ll probably find she’s as upset and disheartened as you are. I know with everything going on in my life when things get tough my husband doesn’t talk he tries to stay strong for me. But I know he’s suffering just as much as me and by not talking to each other it gets worse.
So maybe just go hug your wife, things are always better with someone by your side, that was why you married each other.
Yes indeed, I saw a Freddie Spencer replica (750) version of my Bike a few years ago, and thought one of those is next on my bucket list as it would look good in my garage, but hey might buy a standard 750 and make it a project bike
I can relate to the fact that when things in life aren't going well, it can be harder to relate to your partner. I always thought you were supposed to get closer in adversity - I think it makes us cross and distant. We've just come through 4 difficult years losing one parent and another getting cancer, being defrauded and losing our savings to a horrible builder, and various other trials and tribulations. We've certainly had a few rows and I've wondered whether we'd stick through it. When things go wrong (we replaced a boiler last year too - bastards), I tend to see it as a sign of everything "just our luck" etc and everyone else seems to be lucky and coping brilliantly. Of course that's not true, and your post has shown me that we're all coping with so many difficult things and finding it hard.
Recently however, I've been supported by a psychotherapy-driven facebook group to look at the small wins. The friend who picks up the kids for an afternoon. The bedtime that went surprisingly well. The spontaneous trip to the seaside that everyone enjoyed etc etc. It's really helped me to find strength in myself - "look, I coped with that awful week" and so on. It helps me to see that maybe I don't just have bad luck and some things are going OK. So I'm holding out a hand to say yep I get it, you have been through more than your fair share of crap and you don't have to feel OK about it. But it sounds like you are a great dad, and a conscientious husband, and you are being resilient in a s*** storm. So massive well done for that.
Final thought - I've come back to weight loss and joined this group because I felt like it was something I could do to look after myself and feel a bit better. To my surprise, my partner is also getting inspired and we have been getting more excited about it for the last few days. It's really bringing us together, maybe because it's a positive thing and we can look ahead to a lighter future (in so many ways). xxxx
That was the point I was trying to make, you as a couple have been together 25 years and your still together, talk to each other and treasure each other while you can, financial problems will always be there sadly some people won't be as I know only too well, I also lost my mum at 54 quite suddenly & kids not having no grandma's to grow up with, also lost other close members & when you are low the one person you want most to talk to is your mum, only she isn't there anymore.
It hurts so much when you see other's with there mum's and grandkids It breaks my heart, but has learnt me a lesson, money troubles, cars breaking down, houses needing repair etc etc etc don't matter, people matter, we never know, they may not be around tomorrow.
I'm so sorry to hear about your dad as I know how hard that is with my dad at 82 with major health problems too, fortunately my dad doesn't live hundreds of miles away like yours so I truly sympathize with you.
I never meant to upset you in any way or to suggest you haven't had major problems in your life, I just was trying to get you to look at the bigger picture and to try & make the best of what you have a home, a wife & kids a job and the money to be able to do things, I'm saying try to think positive, if we dwell on the negatives then we will make ourselves feel even worse, and the problems will still be there, its how we deal with those problems that matter, do we want problems and depression on top of them, or do we want the same problems with a smile a positive outlook and to feel better abouts dealing with them.
I really do hope things improve for you soon and hope you can pick yourself up dust yourself off and find a way to look beyond all the rubbish you are having at the moment.
Wishing you all the best and hope things get better for you soon.
Again I get you, and you didn't upset me in anyway so don't worry, the only reason that I mentioned those personal things was just to highlight that 'we have' been to the bottom of the heart rending emotional pit of doom as well, and I wasn't just attention seeking over what currently is not that big of an issue in itself it an accumulation over time, that's why I gave a little background so it put my current state of mind into perspective, unless you've done it your self you cant imagine the sorrow of personally lowering not only your mother in law and father in law into their graves (which I did) whilst your wife looks on, and for every inch you lower them down you see an ounce of sparkle disappear from her eyes, which sadly has never come back, as for my Mum we sat in silence as the curtains closed behind her (you know what I mean)
But enough of that, move on eh? I hope that you have recovered as best as you can from your loss now, wishing you all the best as well. Big hugs all round
Like you said, that sparkle never came back, in my case it was the curtains closing for all of them, heart breaking.
That's why I make the best of those around me while I can & I won't have any regrets.
We can't bring them back but we have to carry on for those around us, you have been very strong for your family & devoted your life to them, that's something to be VERY proud of and I know from experience your wife will be very grateful for having such a good devoted husband, you have to carry on been strong for both of you.
The best thing is when you hold your kids in your arms and you know part of your mum's and dad are still with you through them, such a lovely feeling.
I also know what it's like when you have looked after fish in a pond for donkeys years, about a month ago a friend accidentally killed all of my fish in one go, it was hearbreaking after all my hard work, making them better when they have been poorly with fin rot etc only to see them all floating on top dead one morning, and as for the expense it's too much to mention, I am still friends with her though as it was a complete accident, in case you are wondering how she did it, she was helping put plants in next to the pond, she watered them with a hose & washed in some of the miracle gro compost in with it, it has food pellets in the soil to feed the plants for 6 month, they must have eaten the pellets thinking they were food, i didnt see it happen & she didnt say anything as didnt think it mattered, but you have to be so very careful when using things around fish.
Really hope yours recover from what's ailing them, I found bathing them in Epsom salts often helped, Google about it, hopefully it may help.
Can't help with the other problems tho sorry, you will come though it all though just like you have always done.
Well it sounds like we have trod similar unfortunate paths, and I'm sure your family are just as proud of you as well, and good on you As for the fish, well mine started to die off whilst we were away on holiday, I phone my friend who was house sitting and looking after of Border Collies one week into our holiday and he told me that 7 goldfish fish had died, then by the time we got home after the two weeks a load more had died, then it continued I was losing two or three a day, until the last two days where thank god I haven't lost any more or any of my Ghost carp which are about three pounds in weight (so not small fish) or my Blue Orfe as they are around a pound each. strange though it is the goldfish were all around 5 to 6 inches in length, no juniors or larger fish died???? go figure!!!
Take care of you family and yourself, I'll do the same and we'll come out the other side stronger and better for it I suppose, although it doesn't feel that way at the moment.
That's wierd as goldfish are normally stronger, wonder what's happened to them all?
Have you examined them when you got them out?
Well let's hope whatever it was it's gone & the others will be strong enough to survive.
Maybe it was a lack of oxygen or something but doubt it with it been a few each day or so, im at a loss what to suggest really, most fish that get sick it's either a fungal infection or something wrong with the water nitrates, but I'm sure you already checked all that.
You never guess what I've always had collies too & have one now called lady.
Oh yes I was puzzled about the loss of the fish, and read more google search reports on sudden death of fish, there were a couple that stated during prolonged hot weather some fish can become distressed and this is fatal, and the fish that had died looked in great condition, they were all around 10 to 13 years old, so I'm going with that.
As for my ponds, the top pond is 9 foot by 7 foot by 4 feet deep, this links in with my lower pond via a home made stream that is 25 feet in length the lower pond is 12 feet by 9 feet and 3 1/2 feet deep, I have a Titan 12000 pump that circulates the water from the bottom pond through a Bioforce 9000 U/V filter to an outlet above the top pond, the water then drops via a small 1 foot water fall into the top pond, this over flows and drops from the top pond to the stream via another small 2 foot water fall, then from stream a 10 inch drop into the lower pond, so water circulation, aeration, and filtration are taken care of, and there have been no issues like this for the last 8 years that I have had both ponds linked. Fingers crossed it won't continue, and they were all waiting for their feed this morning.
I have always had Border Collies, my first one was 'Rory' I had him from a Puppy back in 1983, 11 years later I was at work and a Female Border Collie walked across the field and into my place of work, after phoning the RSPCA and having this dog for a couple of weeks I found out who owned her and the elderly gentleman was retiring from a local farm and told me that he was going into accommodation where dogs were not allowed, he asked me If I would look after 'Meg', I said yes as Rory and 'Meg' got on like a house on fire, so that was it, for the next 5 years or so everything was great, then old age and blindness on Rory took its toll and Meg went off her back legs, however they both made 16 years of age before they passed away.I couldn't look at another dogs for a while as that hurt like losing a family member, but a few years later my wife convinced me it was time, so we got two boys out of the same litter (Tri-colour Borders) and named them Kai and Cody, their now 11 years old, and the life and soul of our house.
Bit spooky that our lives have similar paths, but hey!
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Newbie here. Is this too fast?
So confused about weight loss!
Oopppss I did it again.
