I’m really struggling at the moment. I’m working with a therapist once a week on my OCD themes so things are very present for me right now. What I can’t understand is how horrible I am to myself.
If OCD is egodystonic, then why do I hurt myself?
I’m in my 40s. I have a successful career. At my lowest, most private moments I apparently hate myself, and yet I’m an expert at appearing completely fine.
My SH is very calculated to be unnoticeable or explainable, which to me, in the rational daylight moments, makes it seem even worse.
I’m a little confused about how this ties in with OCD thinking. Am I beating myself up (literally now, as well as mentally) because I don’t like how my brain works? Is SH becoming a compulsive response to critical thoughts? If so, it’s particularly malicious.
Thank you for reading this. I feel stuck and very sad. If anyone has any tips I’d appreciate them. I don’t feel like I can contact any friends or family when I’m feeling very low because I don’t want them to worry about me.
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Hedgehog25
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If OCD is ego dystonic, then why do I hurt myself? That’s a great question. Here is my take on it.
The fact we don’t value a desire doesn’t eliminate it. Breaking my marriage vows, for instance, may be contrary to my values. That won’t stop me from being tempted when placed in some “triggering” conditions.
I used to hit my legs and head when I was highly distressed. It had a calming effect on me in the short term. But I knew I could have used healthier means to release my tension, like doing something physically strenuous like going for a run or chopping wood. It would have been better in the long term. But, in the moment, I had no patience to wait for more distant results. My mistake was to want immediate results. I was replacing an emotional pain with a physical one, so I could focus on something else. Also, showing to myself I was ready to go to great lengths to appease my mind had a calming effect on me maybe because I then became afraid I might go too far. When you get close to the brink, there is often a spontaneous reflex to move back from it.
In the end, better stress-management helps me stop hitting myself. Finding healthier ways to release your tension and overall finding ways to feel better may also help you control your self-harm. I hope it will.
Thank you for replying. I have the impulse to hit my head too. It’s always about wanting to expend energy brought on by stress or upset. The problem I have is it’s usually at night when going for a run isn’t safe and doing exercise would annoy the downstairs neighbours. I’m still looking for a way to get myself out of that particular headspace that is as efficient as SH sadly currently seems to be.
I don't imagine peope who feel serene hit themselves. The question is, how to feel more serene in a world that can be very stressful? I remember my great-aunt telling me she used to flagellate her body with stinging nettles. It was a way to do penance in the Catholic Church. It appeased her mind for a while. I think Buddhists are wiser in that domain: one way towards a more serene life is learning to let go of our desire to control everything. I think that may reduce self-harm impulses.
Oh man... "I don't imagine people who feel serene hit themselves." 😆 Zing. Right on target. If you know where to pick up some good stinging nettles, let me know.
I think you hit it right on when you said control. Once again we are looking for100% control in our life. It sounds like you need some sort of distraction at night. Maybe a meditation ?
Thank you, yes the need for control is pretty persistent! I’m trying to get into regular mediation. My problem seems to be that I feel very activated and want to do something physical rather than something relaxing.
Yes, idle time to think is not a good thing for our OCD brains. I’m the opposite I feel more anxiety upon waking. Suggestion.. are you able to get a brisk walk or other exercise in before it gets dark. Maybe that would calm your mind/body down.
Anxiety upon waking is horrible, i get that from time to time too, you have my sympathy. How do you deal with morning anxiety? Do you get up early and get out for some air?
I understand your OCD gets worse at night and the idea of meditation doesn't help because the problem is that our brains don't shut up. Try to consult a therapist or play a game on your phone until you fall asleep.
I've self-harmed - not so much purposely, but in anger or frustration. I haven't punched myself for some years, but when the OCD got too much and wouldn't let me do something, I would get so cross that I had to take it out on something - me!
I've also bitten the skin on my hand, usually the side of the wrist or the bit just below the thumb, again in anger and frustration.
I've always had a rather quick temper (inherited from both my parents!) and I suppose that it's just that when you want to take it out on something, but don't want to break things or harm others, that you are likely to punish yourself.
It could also be that your self-esteem is low. Could it be that, in spite of your successful career, you have what is known as 'impostor syndrome'? It's particularly common in successful women!
It's a feeling (in case you haven't heard of it) that in spite of your success, you're not really worthy of it or that you're not doing it to a sufficiently high standard - in other words, that you're an impostor filling the place of someone who could do it so much better. Not true, of course - but as women we're so often conditioned to think badly of ourselves and to denigrate our own abilities.
It's one of the reasons why women are often reluctant to speak up at meetings, or go for jobs and promotions that match their abilities, whereas men often have no such qualms!
Having OCD does make us feel bad about ourselves. Continue to work on your OCD, and perhaps work on your self-esteem as well.
Thank you for your thoughtful and detailed reply. Yes, i think self esteem is a big part of this for me. Some social anxiety mixed in there too. Sometimes finding all the strands can help with the whole picture I think, thanks for the pointers! I’m sorry you resorted to self harm too. I wish you all the best
What about delaying self-harm impulses for half an hour or more, would that weaken them? I know that with binge eating or drinking, slowing down is sometimes effective because that allows for one's better judgment to have a say in the matter.
Thanks for the thought. As yet I’ve not managed to do this, although I can sometimes hit a pillow instead or scribble with a marker pen. A part of me is thinking rationally and hates what I’m doing, but it’s like I fixate on having to go through with it. It’s not the same feeling as a compulsion, more what you described before, as wanting to get rid of frustration and focus on something else. Sometimes it’s not even painful. It’s a self destructive habit I’m very much working on stopping. Thank you for everyone’s kind and supportive words here.
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