I started struggling with sexual intrusive thoughts in middle school, then it turned into compulsive staring at people’s privates or just looking at ppl when I don’t want to. I try looking down on the ground to avoid staring but it ends up happening anyway. It’s really embarrassing and humiliating. My thoughts then turned into pocd. There were times where I’ve had thoughts of being a pedo when younger kids were around and I’d end up zoning out and looking at them.
Even though that’s not what I wanted to do. There was a time where I put my hand up to head when someone was bending down. I don’t know why I did it, but it was stupid and weird and looked like I was staring at them. Idk, I really don’t think this is OCD. I feel lifeless, I have no personality, it’s hard to smile. It’s hard to look at ppl. People always laugh at me. I lost a lot of relationships because my compulsions suggests I’m ‘attracted’ to them instead of anxious.
I can’t be around kids or adults. I’m paranoid that people are tracking my phone to read these posts I write about my OCD to use as proof against when I’m older. I’ve dive done pretty weird things, to many to count. Everyday my brain hurts from the guilt and worry I have of my past and how so many ppl hate me. I used to be a Christian, but I don’t think I can keep that title anymore. Too many people have seen my episodes and I’m worried I’ll hurt s/o in the future. I’m still in school, do you think that I could do an outpatient therapy at a hospital. I feel like I’m going crazy, I was so certain I had schizophrenia because the start of these intrusive thoughts started when I heard an indistinguishable voice saying I’m a pedo. And my life started to fall apart rapidly after that. I’m not sure If I even deserve to live happily.