hello everyone… it’s been a while since I’ve had to write on here… but I’m back in a bad place mentally, very badly ( my ocd is back) and I don’t have anyone to talk to in my life to listen… I started a new job two weeks ago, and it’s the best job I’ve had so far… but it’s a desk job and I’ve noticed my ocd has sprung back up on me in full force again…. I can’t go to work without ruminating on “bad things” I’ve done in my life and whether or not I’m a good person. Regretting mistakes, I have a lot of guilt around how I was behaving before my boyfriend and I got together, (I would never cheat) but my ocd gives me anxiety about it.. I tried to talk to my mom but she’s a narcissist and yesterday she flipped on me and said a lot of really evil things about me that have really made me feel so so so much worse… I feel like I’m just an awful human being who can’t get past mistakes they’ve made because my brain is never going to let me. It’s made me depressed all through out the day now, and I can’t eat anything without getting sick… trying to get into therapy asap….. any advice would help, I feel so very alone
extremely depressed & shame/ guilt - My OCD Community
extremely depressed & shame/ guilt
Once I read a story about a diver who was harvesting lobsters in the ocean. He couldn't find any near the boat from which he launched. So he went farther and farther, and at one point he realized he couldn't see the boat anymore. He had become so engrossed in his search that he went further than it was safe to go. The story has a good ending, but not before the diver spent two days in the ocean and at one point thought his life was over.
I'm telling this story because it looks like you're so absorbed in your search for excessive reassurance whether you're a good person or not, or you've done enough to redeem yourself for your past mistakes, that it's difficult for you to focus on your professional work or any other domains in your life. What to do about it? What about stopping the chase or putting it on hold for a while?
If you stop the chase for excessive reassurance, then your mind becomes freer to gain perspective and look at the big picture. Then, you could ask yourself the right questions like, is there reasonable evidence to justify my belief I'm an awful person? Is ruminating about my past mistakes going to help me solve my problem? Are there better ways to regain some peace of mind? etc. This will help you explore other ways to feel better. It may take some time and efforts, but it's worth it in the end.
It sounds like you are giving OCD too much power. It’s understandable, but you have more power than you think. Recognize that OCD gives you false narratives, they feel real, but you have the power to not engage with them. It’s very, very hard, but you can do it. I’m sorry you are having such a tough time. I hope things get better.
I'm sorry you are having a hard time. My mom is a narcissist, too, and can go from 1 mood to another in a second and become a whole different person. It's hard living with someone who is unkind to you. My mother's behavior triggers my OCD. I have to push my her "aside" mentally to stay healthy, but it's the hardest thing to do.
You are not at all an awful person. If you had made some mistakes, that's normal and your OCD is just magnifying them. It is lying to you making you believe things are worse than they really are. It is causing you to get into a cycle that seems to be really hard to get out of, but that is not the fact.
Just wondered if you had been busy prior to your new job where the OCD didn't affect you as much. Maybe if you have a little time at your job, you can write/journal what is bothering you and then later, check what you know to be true and what may be the OCD circle/cycle. What you know to be true is factual and OCD is trying to tell you otherwise. Because OCD does not give you the real answer of things.
I hope you feel better.
Hi. I can relate very much to what you have said. Every single person in this world has made mistakes in their past and will continue to make mistakes. It’s part of life’s journey. It’s all classic ocd symptoms what you are thinking but you are not alone.Try to show yourself some compassion. We can’t let the bully win. Hopefully you can see a therapist soon. Are you taking any medication?
Perhaps say a little more about what you mean by 'best job' you've had so far. Is that in terms of pay, status and conditions, or because you like doing it and are good at it? I ask because I've done desk jobs, and they really haven't suited me. In fact, they made my OCD worse! It could be that you aren't suited to desk work either.
It can be a bit of a lottery, getting a job. Often it's a question of taking what's on offer, what you have the qualifications for, and what is within reasonable commuting distance. And that's not always the job that's right for you, that makes the most of your abilities and personality.
Having had (fairly low level) office jobs for some years in my 20s, I found they created gaps for my OCD to flourish. For a start, they were boring - and boredom's capacity to cause mental distress shouldn't be underestimated. If one's mind and body aren't properly engaged in a task, rumination can creep in and run riot. It's simply because the job doesn't engross you.
I also found the lack of autonomy in office jobs difficult. And although it wasn't so bad when I was working directly for a boss who allowed me to get on with what I was doing, accepting that I would do it properly, I found working in a large office with a hierarchy where I was at the bottom of the heap, and answerable to people less competent and who didn't always know what they were doing! Having some autonomy in in job is important, and it's better to work somewhere where co-operation rather than obedience is called for.
So perhaps you could rethink whether the job is right for you - and if desk work is right for you. Choices can be limited, but there are other options. (Mine included working as a life model, modelling for art school classes and art groups!) And there is always retraining.
Rethink, too, your past 'mistakes'. I notice that you write about your behaviour before you met your boyfriend - am I right in thinking that you are referring to your sexual behaviour? If so, there is no need for guilt. There can't be many people with an unblemished record there! It's the relationship with your boyfriend now that matters, not what you did in the past.
It must be hurtful to have your mother say nasty things about you - but remember that it says more about her than about you. As for mistakes - all of us make them, but we learn from them. And according to brain science, it's making mistakes and recognizing them as mistakes (mistakes - not necessarily moral failings) that allows us to correct our thinking and behaviour and move on from them.
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