Symptoms I struggle with

[Kiwitraveller1]

I’ve struggled with generally being quite an anxious person my whole life but never been diagnosed with a mental health problem and have seen a lot about OCD and anxiety online and have resonated with a lot of things so just wanted to get an opinion on if any of these could be linked to OCD or general anxiety? Pretty much all of these things I’ve struggled with to an extent since childhood or for at least a few years. I understand this is very long and probably not the place to do it but I really struggle with making doctors appointments and think about these things a lot. It’s also really rushed so might not make much sense!

- [ ] Dust/fluff from tea towels contaminating food - have to use kitchen roll to dry my hands or anything else that’s been washed and never drying crockery/utensils with tea towels

- [ ] Drinks being left out too long getting dusty

- [ ] Finding fluff or hair in food and then not being able to eat it or forcing myself to continue eating but feeling like I’m going to gag the whole time/actually gagging

- [ ] Constantly making sure people have washed their hands before cooking etc and making boyfriend dry his hands with kitchen roll when I know he’ll be touching food

- [ ] Not being able to eat food made by anyone but me, my parents or boyfriend or from restaurants without feeling like I’ll gag even when I know there probably isn’t anything wrong with it (when the kitchens are visible at restaurants I have to force myself not to look in case I see something I don’t like eg really struggle when I see people without hair nets or drying things with towels or touching food with bare hands) - trying to get better when bf’s mum has cooked for us but still struggle and have to force myself to not think into it too much but can’t watch when she does cook. Also when his dad cuts meat up for roasts I convince myself he hasn’t washed his hands but I force myself not to look so that I don’t know for sure he hasn’t and then force myself not to think about it - mostly avoid eating at his parents other than Sunday roasts as I’ve got more used to it or make it so we cook at their house ourselves to prevent me feeling like that which makes me feel bad that I avoid going so often

- [ ] When I put fruit in the compost and one falls in the bin by accident I feel like it’s “by itself” so either have to fish it out or put another piece of fruit in the bin with it so it’s not alone - also need to make sure things go into the bin in the same area for the same reason - similar situations with other things where I “feel bad” for inanimate objects eg when choosing something from the shop I have to go with the first one I look at even if there are better alternatives because I think that it’ll “get upset” for not being chosen

- [ ] Intrusive thoughts and mentally checking if it could be true/checking how I really feel/respond to it largely linked to pedophilia and incest - the more I try not to think about things and tell myself not to the more I think about it - also trying to “box things up” in my brain and putting them at the back of my mind to convince myself that it will prevent me thinking about it - also avoid looking too closely at things that lead to the intrusive thought - scared about having children even though I really want to be a mum

- [ ] Had it at uni where I had to say “I’ve locked the door” when going to sleep in my bedroom which had a lock on the door which started after being burgled - eventually became having to say it 3 times to convince myself I’d done it - now I have to check front/back doors are locked before bed even when they’ve not been opened that day or make my bf check

- [ ] Same with setting alarms for work where I have to say “I’ve set the alarm” (less of a problem for other times when it’s not as important about waking up at a specific time)

- [ ] At work in a lab when I stacked pipette tips I had to take from the packet in a certain way or it would stress me out and I’d have to “fix” it by doing it in a particular order from then on

- [ ] Not being able to use glasses my brother got out of the cupboard in case his fingers were inside the glass - same with touching the ends of cutlery

- [ ] Constantly thinking people hate me - avoiding sending messages in case I sound weird or that people just don’t care what I have to say - leads to problems like avoiding ongoing conversation messages for weeks at a time which leads to overthinking that gets worse and worse

- [ ] Worrying that I don’t love my boyfriend enough and then being happy when I have an “extra loving” day because it means I do

- [ ] Thinking about death a lot - worrying when my bf/parents travel that something will happen (having to check location to make sure they’re at home or still moving if driving etc) - also “planning” how I would feel/what would happen in those situations (eg how would I find out) or how I would die in certain situations (almost always think about being killed when driving and have a theory that another version of me was now dead in a parallel reality) - thinking about my boyfriend dying and how I could possibly cope with the not knowing what life would have been or how I’d ever move on - another thought I often have is finding out I have a certain amount of time to live and planning how I’d live my life until I died eg having children/travelling

- [ ] Convinced that being so lucky with my boyfriend so young means I’ll lose him early in life

- [ ] Mostly controlling this now but remember it being a bigger thing when I was younger where I’d create “ultimatums” like if I don’t get back to my room before the flush stops making a noise then my parents/pet will die or similar extreme situations - control it now by forcing myself not to finish the sentence so it won’t come true or making it only be a small consequence

- [ ] Also when younger I had issues with kissing/hugging teddies where if I hugged one I’d have to do all the rest and it would have to be an even amount of time or number of hugs/kisses

- [ ] Constantly scared of getting my Achilles sliced when getting in my car in the dark (have to jump in quickly to avoid it happening) or when climbing the stairs - always start singing 1,2,3,4,5 once I caught a fish alive in my head to prevent myself from thinking too hard about it (also linked to making ultimatums where I have to be back in my room before I finish singing eg happens when I go to the toilet in the dark and get scared so sing until I get to my room)

- [ ] Avoid making appointments that are health related - doctors/opticians/dentist partly because I don’t like making phone calls - also have a big fear of being told there’s nothing wrong with me or getting “told off” for not doing something I should have been doing

- [ ] Constantly over sharing things and then regretting it/overthinking conversation later - because of this I am also constantly aware of trying to avoid over sharing in conversations to avoid doing it

- [ ] Really struggle with being/doing things in public by myself and have pretty much managed to avoid doing so for years - get scared people are looking at me and generally get quite anxious (had problems after covid at uni when walking into uni and would avoid going in whenever possible - only way to slightly improve was by listening to music to distract myself)

- [ ] Really bad self image - constantly put myself down for my appearance and get incredibly anxious about going out for social events related to my appearance - often pick apart everything that’s wrong with me and the fact that I don’t think there’s a single thing about my appearance that I wouldn’t change if given the chance

- [ ] Occasionally feeling like I’m not fully in my body - particularly when out in public

Feel like this probably won’t achieve anything hahah and I’m probably being really annoying but these are some of the things I struggle with!

[LuvSun]

Welcome to the forum Kiwitraveller1! From what you’ve described I would say it is exactly OCD. Have you mentioned any of this to a Doctor?

[IStillHaveHope]

Hello - FYI I'm not a doctor or a therapist, but what your describing does sound like OCD. The things not "feeling"' right, avoiding thoughts/places/things, depressive thoughts, rumination, etc. are all classic OCD symptoms. The not feeling like your in your body might be disassociation (which I've had) and is a response to intense anxiety. From what I know, it isn't dangerous but feels uncomfortable.

Have you tried talking to a doctor or therapist about what you are feeling? I know for me things started to change when I was just honest with my doctor. He prescribed some medicine and referred me to a therapist. It has been hard, and I had to find the right doctor/psychiatrist/therapist but things have gotten immensely better for me. It's important to find people who specialize in OCD therapy. Getting general therapy can actually cause more harm than good when dealing with OCD. The good news is that OCD therapy with medication has like an 80% success rate. Note, that the goal is be able to have the OCD thoughts and not be so triggered by them, not to eliminate them completely.

If you are diagnosed with OCD it's important to learn as much as you can about it. There has been a lot of work done on it and there are many people who have written books/courses/lectures on it. The gold standard for OCD treatment is Exposure Response Prevention (ERP) therapy. It involves gradually facing your fears and training your brain to realize that these things are not that dangerous. It is difficult in the beginning but so, so worth it in the end as you won't be controlled by your OCD.

I don't know if this will help, but I put together a post for those just starting out with their OCD treatment detailing what I've learned on my journey. Maybe you'll find some use out of it.

healthunlocked.com/my-ocd/p...

It's important to remember that you are not alone, or weird, or broken. You may have a condition that needs treatment. The good news is that there are (literally) millions of people out there who want (and can) help. You just need to reach out.

I really hope you find the peace you deserve my friend. God bless you.

[Sallyskins]

It does sound a lot like OCD but it might help to get an 'official' diagnosis. The contamination issues and checking behaviour you mention are particularly indicative. So is the 'I must do this or else' behaviours and the insistence on getting things 'just right'.

There are other issues you mention, which I also share! I too attribute emotional feelings to inanimate objects - something I'm sure I got from my mother. Since it's the festive season, I'm reminded that we always had a crooked Christmas tree because my mother felt sorry for it and thought that other people might reject it! And I'm the same - I've only got a little tree but I chose it because it was by itself surrounded by different ones on the shelf at the supermarket. And I thought 'I'll have you!'

The contamination stuff is fairly typical, but there appears to be a physical revulsion factor in there as well. Again, it's something my mother had - if she found a hair in her food, including if it was one of her own, she couldn't help gagging and couldn't eat any more. It's a natural response, but perhaps in your case made worse by your contamination issues.

Another OCD feature is repeating things if you don't do them in the 'right' way. Like other OCD behaviours it can be treated by cognitive behavioural therapy or CBT. This involves going against the OCD deliberately - like doing something the 'wrong' way on purpose and not 'correcting' it.

A lot of people with OCD worry about their relationships - thinking that they don't love their partner enough, but might accidentally be unfaithful and so on - again, it's OCD telling you that you've done something 'wrong' when you haven't. And OCD is such a liar - its default setting is to tell you that you're in the wrong!

There is a lot you can do to make your life easier and fulfil what you want to do, such as having children. As I said, a diagnosis from a psychiatrist or therapist could help, followed by CBT. There are a lot of self help books that can explain CBT and that have exercises you can adapt to your own case - Overcoming Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and The OCD Workbook are just two that have helped me.

It also strikes me that you have some problems with self-esteem. Being anxious about your appearance or worrying that other people don't like you - I'm sure those aren't true! Learning to accept yourself as you are so you feel comfortable in your own skin - that's important.

There's a condition called Body Dysmorphic Disorder, or BDD, that is related to OCD, where someone thinks they're hideously ugly when in fact they're normal - and often beautiful. Their mirror reflects a normal face and figure, but their brain distorts it into something quite different. It could be that you have a touch of that, too. But in any case, it would help to learn not to overthink and over-analyse all that you are and do.

There's plenty of first-hand information and support on this forum, so please make use of it! And do let us know how you get on.

[IStillHaveHope in reply to Sallyskins]

That's really interesting about BDD. I didn't know it was part of OCD. When I was in my teens I became obsessed that my face was "crooked" (one eye and ear are slightly lower than the other) and was absolutely convinced that I was hideously ugly and nobody would even love me. I still am somewhat bothered by it today, but not to the extent I was all those years ago.

[Sallyskins in reply to IStillHaveHope]

The teens are often characterized by intense scrutiny of one's appearance - I didn't like the shape of my face and did my best to alter it with shading and highlighting make up!

But having BDD is beyond normal teen stuff. Apparently most people's faces aren't symmetrical, nor are their bodies (I realized that my belly button is about a centimetre off centre - not bang in the middle!)