Fighting with death

[Danlok]

I touched on this a bit in my initial post, but I want to share a bit more [today has not been good]:

“Man has a symbolic identity, he is a symbolic self, a creature with a name, a life story, the ability to comprehend the cosmos and atoms and abstract concepts such as infinity. But, he is also worm food, his life is objectively meaningless and he will one day rot and disappear forever, it is a terrifying dilemma." - Ernest Becker: The Denial of Death

Growing up, I never used to see death as a terrifying process. I, despite having lost so many people in my life, was never confronted by questions related to death and life after death. This all changed 3 years back when I lost a dear friend of mine to what I think was an illness.

Close calls with death, first with my grandma then my aunt [in the same year - 2023] and me losing a buddy about 3 years ago to an illness, totally messed with my head. These events injected a gnawing fear about what happens after we kick the bucket. I can't shake this feeling of unease and find myself stuck in this loop of questioning whether there's life after death or if it's all just lights out.

Questions surrounding this topic plague my mind daily now. I'm constantly tiptoeing on the edge of a big existential cliff, consumed by the fear of not knowing if there's solid ground waiting on the other side. Everyday i fight between embracing life and being consumed by the fear of its inevitable end. It affects me a lot daily as I find it hard to fully immerse myself in the present moment, always with one foot in the realm of the unknown future. If not that, the it’s the mild panic attacks & occasionally crying that occurs as a result of it. A good chunk of my daily thoughts is this now. I’m sometimes even scared to sleep or get out the house.

Things have gotten so bad that I sometimes find myself in a state of anticipation. I spend time at night anticipating my death, feeling as if that day is the last one, cycling through questions about life after death, thinking about whether I will be reincarnated and forget this life or cease to exist as I did before I was born. I have spent and continue to spend countless hours of the day looking at different beliefs & interpretations of Life after death, desperately trying to find something that will alleviate me from this torment and make me less scared of what is imminent, as well as what happens after (no amount of crying/distracting will change it and that pisses me off - being alive only to die is a cruel joke). I sometimes look at my family members [& friends] and cry at the fact that they will no longer be here one day.

I’m easily accepting of the impermanence a lot of things in life [worldly possessions, animals, plants & tress, etc.] but cannot do the same when it comes to my life, that of my loved ones, as well as that of my friends. I spend hours on end every single day, compulsively searching for an answer or a possible version of life after death that seems comforting, one that I will most likely be accepting of.

[deValentin]

You say that a good chunk of your daily thoughts is spent on the topic of death. Are you okay with that? If not, there is treatment available for ending ruminations, but it's not an easy road.

[Danlok in reply to deValentin]

Hey, making an appointment today with a therapist

[deValentin in reply to Danlok]

Great idea! In my experience, psychologists trained in some form of cognitive-behavioral therapies (exposure and response prevention, acceptance and commitment therapy, metacognitive therapy, etc.) are the best.

[Rana190]

Hi. I have a very similar problem. I keep questioning life if there is an inevitable death at some point.

I don’t know if that helps but I share with you what my therapist told me. There are certain questions in life that we cannot answer with our limited knowledge no matter how much we search. The solution to these questions is not in finding the answer but in making peace with not knowing the answer.

Now I know it’s not an easy thing to do. But at least is something to consider that may bring peace because rumination is sometimes debilitating and impacts daily life.

Wishing you a peaceful mind.

[WolfMuffin]

There is life after death but only peace in life after death if you know and follow Jesus. He is definitely real. He died for you and conquered death but rising from the dead. He loves you and wants to save you from the fear of death. If you only give your life to Him . Get hold of a Bible and start reading it. I will pray for you that you find the giver of eternal life.

John 3:16–17 (GNB): For God loved the world so much that he gave his only Son, so that everyone who believes in him may not die but have eternal life. 17For God did not send his Son into the world to be its judge, but to be its saviour.