I'm high functioning, though I walk around with OCD during bouts (about 5-7 a year), I'm a good poker face my wife says. I still do everything I'm supposed to do. I take care of our house, cars, bills, work when I want (semi-retired) and participate in several clubs and organizations, mostly centered around pickleball and other outdoor activities with friends.
I'm nice to the people I run into and I try to be a good citizen.
We maintain regular contact with our friends, meet at outings and generally enjoy the good life. My wife and I like to travel and we plan our life out fully. So How can it be I feel like there's an anvil in my chest when I go into a state of worry and no one is the wiser?
Sometimes out with friends someone will make a comment about someone we know being bi-polar or suffers from fill in the blank disorder. Sometimes they chuckle about it.
This is why I generally keep a smile on face and grind through these OCD episodes in silence.
I muster through it somehow.
Anyone else have similar thoughts/feelings?
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RUtalkingtome
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Trying to keep OCD a secret isn't rare. It's especially possible with ruminative thinking. For a long time, I felt guilty or ashamed, not enough to give up my ruminations, but enough to want to hide them. It was like having a double life. And when I was sick of ruminating after a while because it was leading nowhere, just making my problems worse, I used to mingle with people as a means to keep my ruminations at bay. It was the only thing that worked at the time. I used to fluctuate between sometimes wanting to be left alone so I could engage in my ruminations without being bothered, and other times wanted to mingle so I could control them.
" used to fluctuate between sometimes wanting to be left alone so I could engage in my ruminations without being bothered, and other times wanted to mingle so I could control them."
Yes, I am totally the same , no one knows except my partner and not even to the full extent I truly suffer inside . I feel such a fraud, like I’m cheating everyone who knows me ,I’m not the nice , caring person they see but a sick , evil person etc etc it’s terrible, it scares me but this forum has helped hugely as my therapist I had for years retired I just felt I couldn’t start the process all over again with someone else, so knowing the trust my therapist had in me knowing all my ‘secrets’ and using the tools she gave me plus learning from you all here I have flipped ocd on its head ( well I’m learning to !) and saying to myself as I’m so convinced by what my ocd remembers about situations and how bad I was why not flip it and see perhaps the other side that they were thoughts at that time and thoughts don’t mean actions at that time and I am a nice caring person. Etc , start to trust myself , that this is an illness that can be controlled just like other diseases ( no doubt harder for sure !) but that it spikes like other diseases and then calms . It’s a constant struggle , sometimes much harder than other times , It has tried to make my life smaller in so many ways , it has made me make decisions about my life”s path which if I didn’t have ocd would I have made ? The intense anxiety has affected my physical health at times . So yes , I’m high functioning but manage ( really struggle at times) with ocd . It’s my cross in life to bear as they say. I have my faith which helps me a lot and grounds me , You are not alone , so to those who ‘chuckle ‘ about bipolar friends that you mentioned , I send a smile to you , a smile of ‘ knowing what it’s like for you with ocd’ and sometimes we too can chuckle(only sometimes and after a spike ) at some of the craziness of ocd and what it convinces us of !
I know the feeling of losing a therapist. Mine was in her early 70s when we started my journey in understanding my OCD. She had raised 5 boys, 2 with OCD, and they were all successful. She aged out into dementia, which broke my heart, and I at times have felt alone during my sp spikes. The therapy was going so well to a point where she structured our visits less frequent, I had made great progress with the tools she gave me and she said I needed to fly on my own for awhile, she wanted a three month break, and then bi monthly. She wanted to see how I would handle things on my own. I did good.
I just don't know if I have the patience or energy to start from scratch with someone.
I completely understand, I haven’t yet embarked a new journey with a new therapist , have thought about it , managing ok , have had spikes but just pull hard on trusting myself and facing the fear as strange as it sounds and trusting in my faith and beliefs has helped hugely .
I’m nearly 50 , have managed this since I was 12 , does it get easier perhaps yes , how I look at ocd has changed and this forum has helped hugely to realise I’m not alone in this and has taught me to think differently about ocd ! I wish you the very best on your journey just remember you are never alone 😊
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