Relationship OCD

[Gwen_Stacy]

So i’ve struggled with this a lot but today is really bad. i have an intense fear of cheating on my partner (they are very important to me and i never ever want to hurt them in that way) and this fear manifests in my ocd the whole time where i will think or convince myself that i have somehow cheated on them without realizing and without recollection. Today i walked into a coffee shop and was greeted by a very suave and attractive barista (naturally me finding this person attractive set off all the alarms and i started freaking out). Nevertheless, i ordered my coffee and when he brought it to me and i thanked him, he winked at me and i said something stupid about having forgotten to put on a lid. Long story short the wink kind of set me off and i started freaking out and questioning if i had flirted with him in my conversation and i can’t remember if i winked back and now i’m spiralling i can’t remember anything happening but my brain is telling something did. Please can someone help me and if anything is unclear (i am typing this in a freaked out state) just ask and i will clarify.

[avoidingthebadthings]

You did NOT cheat on your partner. OCD is telling you that your thoughts and feelings have moral value and that they can be judged. They cannot. Your thoughts and feelings have NO moral value. They just exist inside your head. If you think someone is attractive, that's just a thought. You haven't acted on that thought, so there's nothing to worry about morally.

Also, men and women will always flirt. That's just natural and normal. If you act on that flirtation and sleep with the person or get involved romantically, then you are in the realm of cheating. You aren't doing any of this.

If someone winks at you, it's NOT your problem. You haven't caused that wink to happen. OCD might make you think you caused it to happen, but the wink is out of your control. Lots of people wink and flirt all the time, and it can be very hard to deal with because those of us with OCD take stuff like that very seriously. We over-analyze the action to death, and we try to figure out the meaning of it. This person probably winks at every woman he brings coffee to and doesn't give it another thought. To him, it's not a big gesture. It's something he does because that's his personality: he thrives on attention from women.

It also doesn't matter a bit if you winked back. It happens. Shit happens. We bumble along and cringe later about how uncomfortable we were. There's no such thing as the perfect way to interact with an attractive server. You haven't cheated. You are okay. You are safe. Rest easy.

It does sound like this is causing you a ton of uncomfortable anxiety. Maybe talking to your therapist would help, as well as making sure your anti-anxiety med is at a high enough dose. It's very painful to live with this degree of hyper-vigilance. Meds can definitely calm down your nervous system and make small social interactions like this more bearable.

[Gwen_Stacy in reply to avoidingthebadthings]

Thank you so so much. You have definitely helped put things into perspective and helped calm me down. Due to how bad everything has been getting I am definitely going to bring it all up to my new therapist.

[PaperTigers]

Your love for your partner is evident. You didn't look at this person with desire, it was just eye contact. I get it though, I keep my eyes down a lot and I always worry about looking at someone's butt/parts unintentionally and I have the same reaction. It's good you are sorting your experiences and feelings. Please know that just being here and presenting your concerns shows a lot of love for your partner and personal strength. I hope you are able to move on from this swiftly. God bless!

[Gwen_Stacy in reply to PaperTigers]

Thank you so much for your reply and your encouraging message. Thank you!

[eggwitchellie]

Funnily enough the answer to this is actually in the problem. You are worried you will cheat on your partner but actually the worry is STOPPING you cheating on your partner. all the time you feel that worry or anxiety or doubt means that actually you're very far from cheating. Its not far off being a talisman or good luck charm. Reducing ocd works best when you use it against itself. It has you convinced you might cheat but actually its proving to itself that you have no intention to. I'm not a fan of "reframing" it in your mind and consider this more tipping it on its head. If you were able to leave your mind for a week and come back refreshed you would probably feel differently but you dont have that luxury and the ocd keeps you listening to its narrative

[Gwen_Stacy in reply to eggwitchellie]

Thank you for your reply. My friend suggested a similar thing and despite being rather difficult because of how potent fear and ocd work together… I will definitely try.