Afraid to go outside...

[RUtalkingtome]

I feel dread today. Afraid to go outside, afraid to run into a person/s in my tiny town who has on a few occasions (and recently) given me the stink eye while passing her in my car on the narrow streets here.

Haven't actually talked to this person in 5 years because I've avoided her. She berated me while I was out with a friend at a local tavern. I decided then not to speak to her again, she's one of the local prosecutors in the county I live; This person is very powerful in the community so I fear I could be a target of this person, who could try to get me in trouble, legally and socially.

Edited to add: I saw her at a bakery in town around thanksgiving 2023 while I was sitting with a friend; she walked by me and smirked, like she was trying to get a reaction from me. The person I was sitting with looked at her and didn't think anything of it, or didn't express anything about it being odd. Around Christmas I saw her on the street while I was driving and our eyes met at the same time, she didn't look pleased that she saw me, very unpleasant look on her face. All this happened in a nanosecond but it bothered me.

But again I might be confusing her with a neighbor on my street that I've posted about recently. healthunlocked.com/my-ocd/p.... The are about the same height, same hair length and color. I began ruminating about these encounters and seeking reassurance from my wife when these things happened.

I've also had some unpleasant encounters with two different men in town, and I've ruminated often about them too. They were not fans of my reporting when I worked for a local paper.

I'm weak in that I'm afraid of conflict. The woman had berated me over an opinion I expressed to someone else about mending a few things related to title 9 college sports, where athletic directors were being forced to cut men's programs. She called me a sexist and was very rude.

My wife of 40 years knows me all too well and says I should face these fears and go where I want. But I'm afraid of being accused of something or framed by this prosecutor, so I feel somewhat protected if I eliminate proximity to her and don't exchange words. Is this an accurate gut feeling or is it the OCD magnifying everything? I also just bought a dash cam to record my movements around town in case someone accuses me of something. This is where my wife put her foot down and asked me to go back to therapy.

I know in life that not everyone is going to like you. I was a local reporter in this town for a decade and a lot people didn't like my reporting; most of them have been civil to me but a neighbor messaged me on FB and told me what a sh*t I was for writing about a public official he's close to personally.

My OCD mostly centers around intrusive thoughts of being accused of something horrible or saying something that might make someone angry; I ruminate and replay the tape of every word that was said in an encounter to make sure no one was offended, then I seek reassurance ad nauseam from my wife.

My wife smartly gives my evidence that I'm not a bad person and that my 63 years earth is the living proof. She reminds me of all the friends I/we have in our lives who support our marriage. Intellectually I get it, but I have trouble turning off the numerous instant replays

Recently a friend called me and invited us down to the tavern where I was berated by this woman, and I came clean with my friend about why I didn't want to go .She said I was being silly, but she added we could all go somewhere else instead...and we did. The friend is my mixed doubles partner in pickleball and she's always inviting us to things. Most of the time I go if it's not to close to where I could encounter these people and risk confrontation.

My OCD really started in my early 40s. Something changed and my wife says I've gone from being a confident social person to becoming an insecure people pleasure who heaps praise on people all the time. She wants me get my b*lls back, she says.

I'm starting back in therapy next week, it took me awhile to find a good fit since my former therapist retired a few years ago. She had been with me for over a decade and lead my out of the wilderness of OCD to where I could cope; she even moved to reducing the frequency of my visits, she wanted me to fly solo a little more and practice the coping skills she taught me. I would only return to her when something was stuck in my head.

But now I'm fearing two people who I believe don't like me for reasons yet to be known to me.

The new therapist comes highly recommended. She has over 40 years experience with OCD patients.

[Sallyskins]

This prosecutor can't have you convicted just on her own say so. I'm not saying that miscarriages of justice don't occur - just that she has to act within the law. And there is nothing in the law to say that you have to agree with her opinions.

If she or anyone else disagrees with your opinions, it's up to you to defend what you say or stand for. I always think it worth thinking my own opinions out, and marshalling arguments in favour of them. It means that you don't fall into the lazy trap of basing your opinions on gut feeling, prejudice or what other people say. It forces you to think things out and is good exercise for the brain.

I'm involved in politics, so I'm used to having to argue for or against particular standpoints. Political disputes too often degenerate into simply hurling abuse at your opponent. Rational and fair is the way to go, though occasionally being rude can be justified!

So if you think that it's wrong to cut men's athletics programmes, think about why you feel that way. Then if anyone challenges you, you have your arguments ready. Debate is good. It forces us to think, expand our reasoning skills, develop our arguments and (occasionally!) to admit that the other person is right.

This prosecutor, you say, is a very powerful figure in the small town where you live. But her powers are defined in law and they don't transcend your rights as a citizen. It feels to me that you are giving her additional powers by letting her circumscribe your movements. She doesn't have those powers unless you give them to her. So go along to the tavern if you want - the chances are that she has other things to do than have a go at you anyway.

It sounds as though you have a sensible and supportive wife! It does sounds as though you have a touch of social phobia and agoraphobia in addition to the OCD. The answer to agoraphobia (I know, because I have it) is to get out when you can and get used to being out. Do as much as you can manage, but stretch yourself a little.

[RUtalkingtome in reply to Sallyskins]

I agree, you make very good sense of all of it, but I get triggered when I pass her in my car and she gives me the stink eye. I have to learn not to get triggered by every little thing.

[Sallyskins in reply to RUtalkingtome]

Think about how and why she sets your feelings off in such an intense way. Is it fear, or shame, or anger? A combination of these, perhaps? Don't be afraid of her - she can't touch you if you've acted within the law. And don't feel shame, either. In such a situation I think my strongest reaction would be that of anger.

But there's no good reason to let her upset you like that. Each of us is the centre of our own lives, and it's easy to assume that other people take more notice of us than they actually do. I'm not saying that you're imagining it - but maybe you're reading too much into the expressions on her face.

In any case, you're not powerless. Letting someone feel that they have power over you is to give them power, and if this woman is a rude bully, you can stand up to her and remove that power.

I once clashed with a rather nasty fellow patient in the residential unit where I had intensive treatment for OCD some years ago. She liked to throw her weight around like she was Queen Bee and demanded her own way. And she didn't much like me standing up to her. I got my own back by being nice to her, smiling and saying hello. That really got to her - rather funny to watch her stick her nose in the air and flaunt her displeasure as she walked off!

Best of luck with the new therapist. And do update us on how you get on with her.

[RUtalkingtome in reply to Sallyskins]

thank you

[Mom2DnJ]

I don’t want to reassure you about this specific situation because maybe it is OCD so I will remind you that feelings are not facts…the facts are you are overall a good person…no one’s opinions/actions are always “right.” I believe everyone should consider the opinions of others but not live for them…you can either dismiss them or adjust with the new information…that brings up the other fact…you have proven capable of adjusting to life’s ups and downs…you’ve been doing it for decades. 🩵

[Lauragbr]

Honestly, you can’t really stop the feeling of being triggered. It will happen. But I would recognize it, “ OCD is triggering me” and not respond. The response is the compulsion, whether it’s rumination or just addressing your thoughts. I’m so glad you are meeting with a new therapist! I hope it goes well.

[RUtalkingtome]

Thanks