There's a woman on my street who I've only spoken with once, about a two years ago; it was very brief and cordial. Recently this Spring I passed her on the street while she was getting in her car. I made brief eye contact with her and slowed down for safety as she was entering the street (very narrow street). I threw her a quick wave that I don't think she saw because it was getting dark.
Edited: Actually We made eye contact about the same time. When I looked over she was actually looking at me already, I looked away after she glared at me like I had some horrible disease.
When I looked in the rearview she continued to glare at me as I drove away. Several days later she walked by our house with her husband or partner and they both looked in our front window, almost felt like they were snooping a little bit. Many people look in our large front window (no curtains) so normally I don't think twice about it. Their glance in our living room prob had no meaning, I thought. I mentioned it to my wife and she was irritated with me for obsessing about it. But the OCD/ANXIETY/Paranoia had already kicked in.
A few days later the gentleman was going to his car as I was working in my driveway and he took time to give me a long look. I looked away as not to spark anything, I'm a total conflict avoider, according to my wife.
The woman and her partner have been away all summer and I enjoyed being free of the stress of bumping into them. I saw her for the first time again while driving up the street, she had returned for another school year. She's a teacher. She was walking her dog with her partner. At first I did not know it was them.
My dog, Charlie, was with me and I was trying to get him to focus on the dog. He gets excited when I do that. It's a game we play. I glanced at the couple briefly, realized it was them, and continued on my way. Looking in the rear view mirror I saw that she turned to look at me and pointed my car out to her partner. It was kind of a "that's the guy" thing. I was mortified, and the OCD went full blown. I went over it with my wife 1000 times and my wife kept telling me I didn't do anything wrong. I don't understand this person's demeanor towards me or what on earth she could have against me. I've been ruminating nonstop.
These incidents are real, they are not imagined or exaggerated. My inclination, as always with my OCD, was to go knock on her door with my wife in tow ( a witness) to ask if something was wrong, to get reassurance. Bad idea, my wife said, because I've only ever spoken once with the woman. This is the kind of reassurance seeking that I do with my wife that I've been told to resist, she gets annoyed sometimes when I repeat the same anxieties and concerns over the same incident.
One of my biggest OCD fears is being wrongfully accused of something. I've spent my life always thinking I'm doing something wrong, always apologizing to people for nothing.
What's this woman's problem with me, should I try to find out or should I let it go?
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OCD in your mind is clearly amplifying the seriousness of this situation. If you live in a bigger city, probably you meet a few hundred of people every day who give you all kinds of looks. Now would you obsess about each of them? Probably not. My suggestion would be don't go directly to her front door as it is kinda compulsive assurance seeking, so your wife is right. But if you just accidentally run into that lady on the street again, and this thing still bothers you at that time, you can just wave and say hello to her or just have a casual small talk chat about weather, etc. I've been struggling with OCD for three decades so I don't want to sound like I'm poking you, but it is almost funny how OCD can make us feel so timid and even paranoid from time to time about situations where folks without ocd wouldn't even give a second thought.
Yes, I agree. I'm from a big city and eye contact is just part of every day life, never thought twice about it and then I moved to a small town 20 years ago. But I get a sense that this woman really doesn't like me. I don't think that's exaggerated. She did give me the stink eye on 2 occasions after a casual normal glance that you define. When you can't think of anything you've done it does bend the mind a little. We OCDers always need definitive answers, It sucks.
I'm taking steps to avoid her, by turning left out of my driveway instead of right, to be on my way to wherever. I also bought a dash cam should I drive by her house. Whether spot on or exaggerated, I still need to protect myself until I sort out this latest episode.
Avoidance is also a compulsion, and the dash cam is slightly on the paranoid spectrum. I'd say both feed into your OCD. Why do you feel such an urge to be liked by everyone?
I have a desire to "get along" with everyone, not nec liked...for there to be peace and for things in my life to run smoothly. I take great pains to make sure there are no surprises or upheaval. I'm meticulous about paying my bills, keeping good credit and being a safe driver at all times, which is why I'm always looking where pedestrians are going. I try to be extra nice to my neighbors and be helpful if they should need a hand. I looked after a neighbor for two years while she was dyng of breast cancer and she asked me to adopt her dog, and I did. I never say 'no' to people, which is another problem that infuriates my wife. My wife finds it funny that I look like the disheveled reporter that I am, but my mind wants to make the world neat and spotless in my relations with others. I grew up in a house of all women, no men around. I was the only male and I guess I put into practice being a conflict avoider and being a people pleaser. This is what a shrink told me long ago.
So when I think a woman doesn't like me for some reason, I'm extra concerned. This however is counterintuitive to a reality that most of my friends are woman that I play pickleball with and socialize with. My texts are constantly going off from women inviting me to events to play with them. My wife is not a pickleball fan, so I have no other options for mixed doubles partners. My wife has met all of them at parties and likes them all. I'd like her to learn pickleball though.
These episodes have been much less frequent over the years, but when they hit they're magnified.
And yes paranoia is part of the OCD spectrum. I'm fully aware that I'm being paranoid, but still the dash cam provides me some sense of safety when the 5-4-3-2-1 exercise doesn't work. My wife agrees with you that it's a little too much. Recognizing the OCD is one thing, but taming it is another. This moment is rarer than the others, I normally don't resort to this level of self protection. But this is happening (real or imagined) on my street, where I otherwise have good relations with my neighbors.
That's a big part of my OCD is reacting to my own assumptions, I think this is common with everyone who suffers from OCD. But neighbors normally don't scowl at another unless there's an issue of some kind, it's not innocuous. And letting it go without resolving the assumptions bottle necks the recovery from an OCD episode.
I have the same problem. I always assume people are thinking the worst about me-the way I look, dress, act and what you have said, too. It would bother me til I found some answer. But, my therapist told me that people might have other things on their mind and are not even thinking anything about us. For myself, I know I stare into space a lot and I am thinking my neighbors see me do this and are probably thinking I'm staring at them. Things can seem so accurate and we believe what we perceive- of course we would. But, I agree with TomFed. If you can have a conversation with her, it might tell you that she is "okay" with you, by her mannerisms, tone of voice, etc.
My husband says that his mother simply scowled at everyone, for no reason; that's just what her expression was like when her mind was at rest. People do sometimes scowl at others for no reason.
What you described are symptoms that can come from different things such as low self-esteem, social anxiety, etc. You’re just speculating as to why she scowled. The scowl may have nothing to do with you personally or maybe if your behavior seemed “odd” to her, she may be reacting to that. Regardless, trying to solve this and get certainty is feeding the problem. Rumination begets more rumination and our imaginations can run wild.
How I deal with everyone is the same. I get along great with my neighbors, trade waves with passersby and I am decent (jovial) to everyone. I've only talked to her once (two years ago) and it was very cordial and very brief, there's no exchanges or history between us that could demonstrate odd behavior to her. This is why I'm perplexed.
You sound like a friendly person. Who knows why she scowled. There could be many reasons why. Is it worth spending so much time and energy ruminating on speculations? Accepting uncertainty and moving forward may be helpful. You know you’re friendly, leave it at that.
If you invented a pill for this you'd be rich. It would bring me to a clearing in the vast wilderness of OCD. Uncertainty has crippled me at times in my life. Thanks for listening.
I wish it was as easy as taking a pill. Accepting uncertainty takes a lot of work, trust and believing in yourself along with self-compassion. You are more than good enough.
Accepting uncertainty by itself can be daunting. It helps to realize that we are capable of managing distressing things that may come our way. Jon Grayson, OCD expert, talks about how both accepting uncertainty and realizing that we are capable of dealing with distressing things are vital to long-term recovery from OCD. We don’t get there overnight though. For most people it takes a lot of baby steps and that’s fine. Some of those steps will probably be backward ones. Giving up control over things we don’t have control over (most things) can bring us peace.
I have lots of paranoia with my ocd too. It sucks. But you have to realize that though your incident with her looking at you or pointing at you was reality, your perceived obsessional doubt about her having sinister intentions is not reality and can not be proven by your 5 senses. Yes she isn’t friendly. That’s a fact that is happening in the here and now. But your obsession about her wanting to accuse you of something or get you in some kind of trouble is imagination. None of the senses can prove this to be true. Who knows why she’s a jerk? You may never know. And so you can rest knowing that there are things that you just can’t have certainty about. If you can find a way to take on the attitude that “I don’t give a shit” sorry for the language- but it helps. Almost like an attitude of oh well if something ever happens I will deal with it. And I get it- you want to go to her house and see what is up with her. But don’t do this. That’s reassurance seeking. Sit in your discomfort and focus on the here and now and reality and when you see her give her a little wave and then say a quick prayer for her heart to be changed toward you or the world in general. I know it’s hard. I battle it every day but using these tools has helped me so much.
Today was going well, was out and about in town. Ran into people I knew, a lot of woman friends. I was approached b some very friendly people and it's a beautiful day where I live. I was relieved that everything was normal. My wife was like "see all the people that like you and gravitate to you?" It was a high that didn't last long.
When we got home my mind spiraled again: My wife has made a beautiful garden over the years and a patch of honey suckle she's nurtured attracts humming birds everywhere. The bushes line our driveway and while looking out at the honey suckle there is a direct line of site to the front yard of the woman I've worried about in posts here.
The husband was talking to a neighbor and the he pointed to our house and the woman he was speaking with was looking in my direction. So I got away from the window for fear he would think I'm snooping. Didn't say anything to my wife (don't want t o burden her with this shit all the time). My wife came out of the kitchen and stopped for awhile and lingered at the window. I'm reeling in side because I want her to get away from the window. Don't want anyone to think she's weird.
OCD can imprison you, stops you from doing the simply things you love.
Here I am fearing I've done something wrong our will be accused of something...a fear i've carried for a half century since I was 14.
So as a fail safe, I'm running through my most recent steps to see if I've broken any laws or could be falsely accused. And if these people are gossiping and spreading rumors and filling our neighbors heads with BS, what could I do about it?
Waiting for this latest episode to run its course, the ruminations are moving at warp speed.
Most of my pickleball friends are woman I've known for a few years now, and Wednesday the texts start going off about Wednesday night play that we do every week and I'm afraid to go. I'm afraid I may be giving off a vibe that caused my neighbor to sneer at me.
I think if others see you as a friendly person and don't have anything against you, you are most-likely not giving this lady anything to be mad at you for. Maybe she is one of those people who talks about everyone and finds fault with everything. Trust me, I know exactly what you're talking about. It's hard to tell yourself it doesn't matter what people are thinking/saying if you believe it's about you. But since I've been and still go through the same things you are, most of the time I just think, "What's your problem?" and some other not so nice things. I don't say that, of course. If someone has a problem with me, they can come to me and tell me. Otherwise, it could be them just being immature and maybe just mean people in general. I really try to not let others' behaviors affect me because then I feel bad and will waste my time thinking about it. By the time they go home or are not by me-in a store, public place or even close to me-they have probably forgotten the situation you thought was hurtful. Don't let someone "control" you. Be your own person and who gives a shit about anyone else if they're mean, etc. They don't know you and if they really are talking about you,it's on them. I hope you feel better about this. I really sympathize with you.
Maybe I'm digging too deep here. But the thing I see over and over again in myself and other fellow OCDers is just we are very often too nice to others, like almost childishly naive and nice, and try to be "a good person" which is very compulsive as well, and I'd say lies at the heart of the problem. It's an unhealed child struggling for that love and preventing us to grow up. Sure, often it is ok to be nice with others, but sometimes it is just not right, sometimes you might need to be even mean and rude to get your point through. I think that's what partly Carl Yung meant by talking about "unintegrated shadow". There is good and bad in all of us, and we need to learn to love both parts of us, because there are situations in real life where that "bad ass" can be your best friend and helper. I see many of us OCDers struggle with this for various reasons.
I've come up with a plan to protect myself from crossing paths with this couple. When I pull out of my driveway I go left instead of right and simply go left again to get back on the main drag. This means I don't have to go by their home.
I bought a dash cam to record when I have to pass the home. This way I have evidence should she or he accuse me of something. And to capture any stink eye they give me.
If I pass the home I make sure my head is turned toward the other side of the road so they can't make eye contact with me. If I'm out in my garden and they're walking up the street I can simply walk to my shop up the driveway as if to retrieve something.
I know I'm going through an OCD exercise that I've done all my life -- when 99.99999% of the time my assumptions were wrong and everything turned out OK. I know this ignores best CBT practices. But I have to do something.
This is my security blanket, it's all I got right now along with my wife who always keeps a cool head about her. She knows me so well, and she won't stress out about letting this episode run its course. She's a veteran of my OCD.
My mind maybe playing tricks on me again. The second encounter with my neighbor may not actually be my neighbor. When I was a reporter 5 years ago I met the local asst. prosecutor in a tavern in town, introduced to me by a lawyer friend and the publisher of my paper. We were out for an after-work pint and the conversation was about Title 9 sports. I had the opinion that Title 9 needed some amending, according to many woman athletic directors who saw a capping, and in some cases, the cancelling of men's programs to meet title 9 requirements. She berated me and called me a sexist.
So I made up my mind not to engage her again. And I have't spoken to her since. She looks a lot like my neighbor so I'm not sure the recent encounter with my neighbor wasn't actually the prosecutor who also lives in town.
My days as a reporter in my small town were very difficult. I couldn't go anywhere socially without someone wanting to go over my latest stories. I stopped going to the farmers' market and kept to myself. We sometimes drove to the old neighborhood in the city to see old friends.
My reporting exposed some shady governance in town government that forced a very popular mayor to resign. Another neighbor of mine said it was me who drove the mayor to seek counseling. He reminded my other neighbors what an SOB I was and sent me an awful message on FB, no doubt I unfriended him. Two other dudes joined him in their displeasure of my existence.
Still, I've never been rude to any of these people in the face of hostility.
My wife thinks people roll on me because I'm too nice, but I've never found any success in being jerk to people. I'm also not in the business of hurting people's feelings because it doesn't make ME feel good.
I’m sorry you are dealing with this. OCD makes us major people pleasers and paranoid. I have done what you are doing many times. But you are living in imaginary story land. Use your 5 senses to tell yourself the truth of what’s happening in the here and now. I highly recommend a trained inference based cbt therapist for you. I-cbt is what they call it and it’s made just for ocd. You have to learn to not give a shit. I-cbt helps with that paranoia. Please give it a try. Google it. It has helped me so much! I used to think everyone wanted to get me in trouble. I know what you’re going through.
Today while standing in my driveway with my firewood guy, the couple pulled out on the street and the woman, who was in the passenger seat looked right at me and held the look, again not very friendly. I'm struggling with trying to understanding what her effing problem is. It's September 10 and my worries/fears have been dragging me down for 22 days now.
Everything else is going very well with my other neighbors. I've tried to limit eye contact with people whether in a car or on the street, but but normal people continue to make eye contact with me and trade waves.
Yesterday a young woman walked by our window and took a long gander at me and my wife and I asked my wife if she thought the woman looked at us a little too long. My wife rolled her eyes and said no, "no crime was committed., please stop this."
I'm wearing myself and my wife out not knowing what is up with this person.
I see my therapist Thursday at 11am. I need get this behind me.
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