If I can just get through each day without making any mistakes that might in some way upset, offend, or hurt someone else in any way.

I try to be mindful at all times, because I know that if I screw up, or think that I might have screwed up, it will haunt me for days, if not weeks, until I can somehow find reassurance, or forgiveness, or until time has relegated the thought to the back of my mind, only to be replaced by the next obsessive rumination. My OCD is characterized by guilt and doubt. I don't worry much about the future. I worry about things like coming close to killing someone on the highway, or having possibly done that, or whether I mishandled a trout, or parked crooked, or forgot to flush a toilet, or left a bandaid in the pie, or didn't park far enough onto the shoulder of a two-lane highway with 18 wheelers blowing by at 70 miles an hour, or had spoken an angry "fuck" too loudly at the restaurant, or whether the several chunks of ice that I spilled on the convenience store parking lot in 100 degree heat had caused anyone to slip and fall. The list is long. I go back to apologize if I can, hoping for forgiveness, or reassurance (not much chance of that with the trout), and if I can't get that (mostly when dealing with traffic) I replay things over and over in my head, trying to gain some reassurance that I hadn't done anything wrong, so that I can stop being haunted by the possibility, or the perception, or the reality of guilt. It eats at me, sometimes to the point where it takes all of the hope and joy out of my life. And the thing is, I don't think that other people worry about a lot of this stuff, and yet there are times when for me it's almost debilitating. Sometimes I just need a little reassurance, but I don't wish to inflict this on my friends, who can't really understand how this works anyway.

[LuvSun]

Welcome to the Forum. I read your post with familiarity since I too struggle with the same thoughts as you. I believe it’s a form of moral scrupulosity where you feel responsible for doing any type of harm to others. I like to think of myself and someone like you as being a very empathetic, caring responsible person which is a good thing except we take it to the unnatural extreme where we are actually punishing ourselves where it is not necessary. Are you currently getting any treatment for your OCD?

[Hidden in reply to LuvSun]

No. I tend to drift around quite a bit and from what I understand, the recommended therapy requires quite a lengthy commitment. Also, I live on a very limited income, so when faced with the choice between being ultra mindful and paying for therapy, these easiest thing for me is to go with mindfulness. It works most of the time. But when it doesn't, ouch.

[Natureloverpeace in reply to Hidden]

It doesn’t sound like you’re going out of your way to be mean to people or trout. We are not responsible for how people respond to us or what they may be thinking. That is out of our control. People can get annoyed with someone when that person keeps asking for reassurance from them. Sometimes they get fed up and will avoid the person seeking excessive reassurance. If financial issues are a barrier to getting ERP treatment, you may find ocdchallenge.com helpful. It’s a free self-help ERP program designed by an OCD specialist.

[Hidden in reply to Natureloverpeace]

Thanks, Natureloverpeace. No, I try my darndest to be the best person I can be, which isn't really that hard, but everyone makes mistakes. Unfortunately, in my case those mistakes get blown way out of proportion. Luckily, I'm pretty good at being a good person, so I don't often find myself needing reassurance, and when I do feel the need for it I simply find myself apologizing, to strangers mostly. So it's not like it's a repeated thing. And it's always something different. Human interaction can manifest in SO MANY ways, which is one thing that makes life interesting, but also challenging at times. I suppose that I agree with you in regard to what other people are "thinking" about me, or how they may respond to me (which is almost without exception positive), but I also believe that we are very capable of hurting others with our words and actions, which is kind of a given. My problem is that I often WAY overestimate the impact of my words and actions upon others, thinking that I've hurt their feelings, or made them angry, or MAYBE simply imagining that I have, or COULD HAVE. The worst is when I've done something on the highway that's potentially put lives in danger. That leads to a veritable storm of guilt and rage at myself. Luckily, mindfulness helps with that. But it ain't fool proof. Not with MY imagination.

Thanks for your reply. I appreciate your thoughts. And I'll check out ocdchallenge.com. Luckily, I'm feeling pretty good at the moment, but this stuff's not going away. It's only a matter of time before the next thing happens. Thanks again.

[deValentin]

The question is, the way you describe your life is that the way you want to live, or do you do it because overscrupulous thoughts are disturbing you too much and excessive reassurance-seeking, overapologizing and ruminating are a way for you to appease them? If you answer yes to the last question (like you probably would, given your comments), a solution would be to find ways for your overscrupulous thoughts to leave you more alone. You cannot directly control whether thoughts leave you alone or not. This has a positive role to play. It protects you against acting against your values. To know that your conscience will disturb you afterwards, whether you like or not, prevents you from acting against your values. However, your conscience can go into overdrive. If one doesn't watch out, it also can go into underdrive. It's not easy to navigate between those two extremes.

The good news is that the way you live can impact the extent to which overscrupulous thoughts are disturbing you. You already know about mindfulness. You must probably know about exposure and response prevention, and metacognitive therapy.

Let me tell you what works for me. Giving in to my overscrupulous thoughts makes me sacrifice the other domains of my life (family and friends, normal responsibilities, self-esteem, etc.). In other words, it's self-destructive. So, I do my best to resist the temptations of overscrupulousness because the costs in the end are too high. If I do my best to live in a reasonably responsible manner, I find my mind more at peace. This, in turn, helps me resist the temptation of hyper-responsibility, and unwanted and intrusive thoughts leave me more alone. I don't know whether that would work for everybody though.

[Hidden in reply to deValentin]

I like seeing myself as a person who is scrupulous and considerate of others and not part of the problem, but it's difficult to be that person 100% all of the time, particularly when you have a very active imagination, and a seemingly bottomless sense of empathy. The two, working together, can create a lot of room for guilt and doubt. Hence the need for reassurance, or forgiveness. I don't consider myself to be "over-scrupulous." I just try to be a good person, respectful of others, their feelings and their needs. Unfortunately, unless I know exactly what happened, and their feelings about it, doubt and imagination take over to create an endless, agonizing loop of rumination, and it's the guilt that eats away at my self-esteem and causes anxiety. I've become quite adept at viciously berating myself.

I'm not all that familiar with exposure and response prevention, but as I recall it involves repeated exposure to the triggering stimulus. Assuming that's the case, it's impossible to do that with the kinds of things that cause my obsessive rumination. They're all one-offs. Here and gone (hence the doubt), because they all involve other people, over whom I have no control. I'm not familiar with metacognitive therapy.

And, yes, the fear of obsessive rumination has caused some alteration in my lifestyle, at least temporarily. Some things can't be helped, like driving, of which I've done a great deal. That said, last year I sold my old car and resolved never to drive again. I even went to Thailand, knowing that I could easily live there without needing to drive (not so in the U.S., unless one has the money to live in NYC, for instance, which I certainly don't). But I'm back and driving again, and that's where the mindfulness is most critical (that's where I can cause the most death and destruction). So that's my plan, continued mindfulness. It's just that when something comes up I can really use someone to talk me down. That's why I'm here. We'll see what comes of it. Plus, I'm going back to Thailand, which, of course, doesn't insulate me from making mistakes, but at least there I'll have an opportunity to apologize and gain forgiveness.

Thanks, deValentin, for your thoughts. That was kind of you. And, yes, mindfulness is a fine goal in itself, regardless of whether one suffers from O.C.D. So I try to look at the positive side of it.

[deValentin in reply to Hidden]

Being scrupulous could have two connotations. It could mean “having moral integrity”, which is positive. It could also mean "being overly concerned about the moral rightness of one’s actions". It’s why I used the term “over-scrupulous” in an attempt to distinguish between the two. However, “over” is generally omitted, and you could say that being scrupulous is blowing out of proportions what most people would consider trivial mistakes.

If you encounter enough triggering circumstances in your day, you don’t need to create more. You practice ERP by trying to stop replaying things over and over in your head when there is no reason to do so, that is, you try to react the way an OCD-free person would react in the same circumstances. It gets better with habituation.

The goal of MCT (metacognitive therapy) is to bring people to stop believing that ruminations help you solve your problems and are uncontrollable.

Mindfulness is also a great tool, and I’m glad it’s working for you most of the time. No tool is perfect and to have more than one in your toolbox is beneficial.

Enjoy your trip to Thailand!

[Hidden in reply to deValentin]

Thanks, deValentin. Excellent advice. You're right, no tool is perfect, which is okay. Neither am I.