Wish me luck

[disneyandme]

Hi guys!! I haven't posted on here in a while and haven't gotten back to a lot of your messages, but that's because I've been doing really well with my OCD and part of that for me is limiting my time spent on this app as I've identified I use it as a sneaky way of reassurance sometimes. Things are going really well for me in therapy and the progress I've made makes me so happy- I have my life back. I'm getting this under control. I've made progress in areas I never thought were related to OCD such as driving on the highway and going to restaurants by myself. I'm much more independent because I know I can trust myself to take care of me. So far I've been doing word association ERPs, scripts, and cutting out all compulsions (i.e. reassurance, rumination/questioning, research, etc.). This week, we're taking a big step forward- listening to a YouTube video about suicide (a family who lost a daughter to suicide) while also eating alone at Panera Bread. I'm anxious, and I'm going to do my best to not avoid it. If I feel I'm not ready though, we will re-evaluate and try again next week. This is a huge one for me as I've struggled with the suicide theme for a really long time to varying degrees. When I was in middle school, I remember them playing a video about bullying in school and kids who committed suicide because of it and I was a mess- which I've now realized was my OCD being triggered (something I wouldn't be diagnosed with until now, around 9 years later). I've always avoided any talk of suicide... Now is my first time confronting it head on to this extent.

Although, I also have another exposure coming up tomorrow- I'm meeting my ex (who I'm somewhat seeing again) for lunch. If any of you remember, my OCD also causes me to confess things to my mom. This has always been a BIG one for me, especially knowing that she really dislikes my ex and wouldn't agree with my choice to be friends with him and would be really mad. My therapist reminds me that I'm over 18 (I'm 20), and I can make my own decisions and not tell people details of my life. I'm scared, because on top of that, I don't know how this date will go and may have to deal with the outcome of that emotionally too. I'm trying to not let anxiety dictate my choices though, and trying to understand that I can take care of myself. I already have pre-anxiety over this but trying to use some of my tools for it. It's exciting and nerve wracking. Any support you guys can give would be so helpful.. OCD is already trying to tell me all the ways this is going to go wrong, and that I'm a bad person for doing something my mom wouldn't agree with. I completely anticipate this date triggering my OCD as it has many times in the past when I've done something like this- it will tell me the date went awful, I'm a bad person, I HAVE to tell my mom, etc. Going to try to respond differently this time.

So, depending on how it goes tomorrow, I may or may not be doing the suicide YouTube video ERP. I will keep you updated!

[Hidden]

I am so happy for you, disneyandme!!!😊 The progress you've made is AMAZING!!! I have been doing SO much better as well! I finally feel like I have control over my OCD! I could have never done it without the amazing support and prayers of this community! It's awesome! And God is so amazing and full of grace. I could never have done it without Him! I will keep you in my prayers. Keep up the good work and don't listen to those OCD lies! You are stronger than your OCD! Great job!💗

[disneyandme in reply to Hidden]

Thanks so much Greensummer!! I'm so happy to hear you've been doing better and so proud of you as well. God really is great (an exposure for me as OCD tried to attack my religion). Thanks for your support you're awesome ❤️

[Hidden in reply to disneyandme]

No, you're awesome!!!😊

[Hidden]

Hi Disney - I'm glad you are doing lots better, and that therapy is still helping. I'm old enough to be your grandmother, so my protective spirit comes out when you say your mom doesn't like your ex. I don't have enough information to know if your mom is just plain wrong about him, or if she has reason to want you to be cautious. Your therapist is correct though, that you are an adult and have the right to make your own life choices. I wish the best for you in all your decisions.

[disneyandme in reply to Hidden]

Hi Sunn-E! As I said to Wheeloffortune, you are right and so was my mom. He ended up completely blowing me off and ignoring all of my texts. Broke my heart but it's not the first time. Have to let it go now (something my OCD makes it difficult to do, but I must). On top of that and the guilt of not telling my mom any of this, my mom and I got into a huge argument yesterday which rarely happens (not about my ex). And now, today, I also have a 101.5 fever which I'm dealing with while also fighting against the spike of OCD this has all caused. But I'm in good spirits and know that this will pass and I can win! Thanks for you response, I appreciate it so much as always

[Hidden in reply to disneyandme]

Hi Disney - That tells me that your mom has your best interest at heart.

[MyOCD123]

Hearing about your progress makes me so happy! I remember when I finally felt I was getting my life back after struggling so badly for a few months. It’s such a liberating and empowering feeling and I’m glad you’re able to experience that. It sounds like you’re doing amazing with ERP and being very consistent. I would urge you to challenge your OCD every chance you get. Don’t listen to what it tells you and do the opposite instead. Embrace the uncertainty! Remember that nothing in life is certain, so there’s really no point in stressing about future events (like your date) that you can’t control. If you continue to listen to OCD telling you it will go poorly, than it probably will just because OCD will be in control. Invite it to tag along, but don’t let it drive. You can do this. I have so much faith in you and I’m praying for each one of us every day. 💖

[disneyandme in reply to MyOCD123]

Thanks MyOCD123!! You always inspire me to keep pushing. The fact that you take the time to write these messages is so heart warming and appreciated. Had a real setback after this post (as ive mentioned to others in the comments on this post), but I'm still in good spirits and you just gave me extra motivation. Thank you so much and I'm so happy to hear of all your amazing progress as well.

[MyOCD123 in reply to disneyandme]

I’m so glad you’re keeping your head up through this rough patch and are continuing to fight. Knowing that I can be a comfort and a motivation to others makes having OCD so much more tolerable. I’m happy we’re able to share in each other’s highs and lows!

[Wheeloffortune]

Hi disney I’m so happy for you and proud of you for working so hard!! You are doing so well😍

Sometimes it’s hard to know what’s ocd and what’s not. The mom in me is a little concerned for you going out with your ex only because I want the best for you!! If he is good for you and treats you like you should be treated then that’s good. Of course ocd will give you an all or nothing scenario for your date- remember, it’s just a date!! You are in control of what you do and what you want to happen. And if it doesn’t go the way you want, you will be fine(ok I just gave you reassurance 🤪).

Just do your erp. Keep us posted- we care about you💖💖

[disneyandme in reply to Wheeloffortune]

The mom in you was right! He ignored all of my texts and has continued to. Just have to let go of it now and accept that I won't always understand people and their motives. My OCD also tries to get me to compulsively text him again, but I'm doing a lot better at controlling it now than before. Thanks for this post, you've always been so kind to me

[Wheeloffortune in reply to disneyandme]

So proud of you! You deserve someone that loves you for you!! 💝💝

[Selesnya]

That's great for you. I'm really happy that things are working out for you.

How do you cut out all compulsions? It seems like stopping reassurance, rumination/questioning, and research is impossible. I can't figure out how to do it.

[disneyandme in reply to Selesnya]

Hi Selesnya! Please don't be harsh on yourself, we all move at different paces and have different things going on in our lives!! Don't say it's "impossible" you will get there- that's a cognitive distortion 😊 for me what helps a lot (even though it sounds simple) is mentally drawing a stop sign in my head when I catch myself doing a compulsion, and then immediately distract myself with something else and do some grounding (such as naming a few things I can see, hear, and touch). Writing down my thoughts in a "maybe" statement helps as well as the SOS feature on the NOCD app. You will get there. I also shouldnt have said I've cut out all compulsions- I definitely still have momwnts/days where I forget to catch myself or can't even though I try. It's life. Good luck 😊

[Aleese]

Hi Disney girl-

I’ve been thinking of you lately-And, I am so happy to hear of your great progress-so very glad😊 I can understand your time away from this OCD group. I’m glad you are focusing on your Therapy and all the wonderful work you are doing together!

Proud of you-

Aleese

[disneyandme in reply to Aleese]

Thanks Aleese! Had a really hard setback after this post but I'm doing best to fight back (even though I have a 101.5 fever on top of it). But that's life 🙂 thanks for all your support you're part of the reason I've gotten my life back

[Aleese in reply to disneyandme]

So nice to hear from you Disney girl-

Setbacks happen-you are Normal...as normal as we all are😁Having a fever doesn’t help things-Keep fighting and so glad to hear of your progress-And, also... Thank you....so glad you are getting/got your life back.

Blessings and hugs🌺

Aleese

[Selesnya]

I hope that you're mostly better now from whatever made you sick.

I'm curious to hear more about your ERP. Do you know what other exposures you're going to be working towards after this? I hope that you're able to take this step with ERP. It seems really scary to me as well.

I've been having a lot of problems lately with fearing that I'm never going to get better, that I'll fail at my OCD treatment, and I keep having to research and reassure myself that suicide isn't the best option. It's not that I want to kill myself, it is just that it seems like an inevitable outcome that I can't put off forever.

I have been driving myself crazy over this for the past week or two. I had been focusing on other issues and exposures, but it is getting too debilitating and I need to start doing exposures on this topic. Probably a good start would be to cut out the reassurance and researching. I have an appointment later today to talk about this.