I had one of the most difficult ERP sessions of my life today. I had to hold a knife to my therapists neck while listening to a recording of a script I wrote about what would happen if I were to lose control of my body and actually harm her. If she would have asked me to do this 3 months ago I would have probably ran out of her office in fear. I still worry, but I am not going to give in to any compulsions by checking on her or googling.
I read something the other day that said “it is a powerful thing when your what if’s become maybes and maybe nots”. It’s so hard, and I felt guilty and disgusting at times during my session today but it’s just proof that we can do hard things and be uncomfortable. It’s ok to not feel secure and certain all of the time. Sharing this with you guys feels like a risk or some sort of admission of guilt but I won’t let OCD stop me from encouraging others and sharing my stories.
How is everyone else doing??
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MyOCD123
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Good job, and keep it up. That's what I'm doing at the moment. I feel it, but I don't engage with it, and as the day goes on the stronger I feel.
Hi 123 - I'm so glad you had a successful session. My OCD appointment was today. I leveled with my doctor, letting him know I was really dreading the appointment. He said he doesn't think of me as someone who asks stupid or crazy questions, but as a good person who has OCD. It was a good appointment, and did me good. I am so glad it's over with for now. Maybe I won't be quite as anxious next time.
Way to go! I’m not quite there but almost! I’m working on a script of harming children. It feels awful but I can say that I’m getting to the point that it’s JUST THOUGHTS ITS NOT ME🎉🎉🎉
Hi OCD123: Compulsions are also the most difficult for me. I deal with unwanted very uncomfortable thoughts daily. A Doctor in New York once told me that if I can avoid correcting these thoughts and just ignore them, it would be a big accomplishment. And if I could do this with the most horrible thoughts, I would accomplish even more. When I am able to do this, I feel proud of myself and know that the images or thoughts are not real, and will not harm anyone.
Another thing you can try is rather than doing compulsions, just tell yourself that you will correct them at 10:PM that night. I can do this quite often any time during the day, and at 10:PM I don't correct them because by then, they are not important to me. Also, when my son was about 7 years old, I had thoughts of stabbing him which really concerned me. My Dr. said that many OCD people experience this, but never follow through and actually harm the person. He also said that these thoughts are very common with people in general, which made me feel more normal.
Hope this is helpful. Feel free to write me any time, as I am eager to help any one if I can.
Thank you for the advice! I try to delay my compulsions and tell myself I will check at other times. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. Since most of my compulsions are not physical my therapist also recommended that any time I find myself mentally reviewing or scanning past events to stop and count backwards from a high number by 7’s. I find that one to be very helpful. I hope your journey and recovery is going well. I am always interested to hear more about other peoples experience with OCD and what there are obsessions have been focused on so my door is always open as well!
Congratulations! I suffer from contamination OCD. It is so hard for me to take the risk of doing ERP. How did you do it? The fear of poisoning someone is just so real to me; although my 'rational' brain knows it's all a lie.
Thank you! I won’t lie, it’s never easy and it’s taken me 3 months in weekly therapy to get this far. I also sometimes worry that I’m going to poison someone, (although my fear is that I’m doing it intentionally).
ERP is a huge risk, but so is life. I look at it this way - I can either take zero risks and live my life changed in a prison cell with OCD holding the keys OR I could take risks and do hard things and be scared, BUT I’ll be living for myself and not OCD.
Some exposures are easier than others. Start small and work your way up. Don’t get discouraged if you fail at first. I’ve failed a dozen times, and I know I’ll have more ahead. One of the most helpful things for me in avoiding compulsions is to remind myself that OCD is a liar and has never told the truth before. I don’t try to avoid the thoughts. I observe them and think to myself “that would suck”, and then I just move on. If it pops back up or I find myself mentally scanning I count down from a big number by 7’s or sing a song in my head. I also know a lot of people have luck with delaying. Tell yourself you’re going to check in 5 minutes and then when that time comes ask yourself if you can wait another 5 minutes and so on and so forth. Eventually your anxiety will go down and the urge to do compulsions will weaken. You got this!!!
Thank you! I won’t lie, it’s never easy and it’s taken me 3 months in weekly therapy to get this far. I also sometimes worry that I’m going to poison someone, (although my fear is that I’m doing it intentionally).
ERP is a huge risk, but so is life. I look at it this way - I can either take zero risks and live my life changed in a prison cell with OCD holding the keys OR I could take risks and do hard things and be scared, BUT I’ll be living for myself and not OCD.
Some exposures are easier than others. Start small and work your way up. Don’t get discouraged if you fail at first. I’ve failed a dozen times, and I know I’ll have more ahead. One of the most helpful things for me in avoiding compulsions is to remind myself that OCD is a liar and has never told the truth before. I don’t try to avoid the thoughts. I observe them and think to myself “that would suck”, and then I just move on. If it pops back up or I find myself mentally scanning I count down from a big number by 7’s or sing a song in my head. I also know a lot of people have luck with delaying. Tell yourself you’re going to check in 5 minutes and then when that time comes ask yourself if you can wait another 5 minutes and so on and so forth. Eventually your anxiety will go down and the urge to do compulsions will weaken. You got this!!!
Oh and also I know your rational brain is telling you it’s all a lie (and it is) but you have to learn to be uncomfortable with the uncertainty. Maybe you will poison someone or maybe you won’t. When you re-train your brain to realize that the thought is not dangerous you won’t feel as much anxiety and desire to do compulsions.
Thank you for thinking of me and checking in, it means the world. The last month for for the most part has been good. I’ve had a few new, yet similar, obsessions arise about being evil and having the “urge” to harm other people but I was also not doing my ERP as much as I should have at that time. As soon as I discussed it with my therapist and went back to doing the exercises regularly I have been able to push through a lot of those thoughts. I recently went on a trip to NYC to visit a friend by myself and totally conquered my fear of traveling alone. I had an amazing time and luckily my OCD did as well and chose to stay dormant for the most part.
As I get stronger I feel some of my old obsessions try to creep their way back in, as well as many about my health but so far I’m doing a pretty good job of recognizing those thoughts as simple lies that OCD likes to tell me. I’m hoping soon I’ll feel a bit more motivated to get back to some writing, as I really want to write a book about my experiences. Overall, I can’t complain as of late. How are you doing??
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