Did I Ruin it on My Last Date

[Winchester2022]

I am following up on a few other posts during the last month about a woman, "Sarah", that I'm in a new relationship with. She’s becoming a special someone for me. On Friday evening we had our fifth meet and went out for drinks for the first time. On our initial few dates she was more reserved, but on our last two meets, especially the last one, she was much more open and warmed up to me. We went to a place that had lots of private seating areas. She told me a lot of new things about her life and her struggles, including the dramas of the only two long term relationships she’s had in the past- one with a woman and one with a man. On the meeting before last she told me she’s bisexual.

On Friday I listened attentively to her and she asked me if there was anything more I wanted to know about her. She was also asking me a lot of questions. About an hour into our meet- she gave me her first compliment about my appearance and said I have nice eyes. That made me feel close and connected to her, which I showed, since she never expressed any feeling about me before in that way.

Everything went well for the first 2 hours or so, and we actually had only one drink each at the first place. We then went to a second bar/lounge where we each got a second drink. I don’t tolerate alcohol well, and more than two drinks is tough for me. We continued to have an intimate conversation and things were going well there too. Then, though, the waiter came and said: “bring you another drink?” and winked at me. I impulsively said yes, which I think was a mistake.

I had been sitting across from Sarah but then asked if I could sit next to her (she was sitting on the sofa side of the table and I was sitting on the chair. I think that was a good move on my end since the proximity created more intimacy, but then the third drink got in me. I’m hoping some of the things I said after that didn’t ruin it. I was being very silly. At one point I went in for a kiss and she just turned her head and smiled. She said had we been in private she might have considered it. I joked that no one in the table next to us was watching since they were all fully engaged with each other, and then specifically mentioned a woman with long hair and glasses who was at that table. I jokingly asked Sarah if she thought that lady was a voyeur and wanted to see us kiss. I also asked Sarah if she’s ever been with more than one person at the same time. I asked this kind of jokingly- it’s not because it’s something I had any fantasy about relating to Sarah.

The worse thing, though, was that right as we were leaving, I had realized, from the voice of the woman at the next table, that she was actually a man: I said to Sarah in my drunken state and got close to her face so only she would hear me: “I can’t believe it, that woman with the glasses is actually a man”. This bothered Sarah and without saying much she proceeded out the door (we had been leaving anyway”. I followed her too, and, realizing she was bothered, I told her something like: “I just said that because it caught me off guard”. She said: “you don’t know how that person identifies (i.e. whether they identify as a man or a woman). I feel like now, at least in Sarah’s eyes, I said something that unintentionally was insensitive about the sexual identity of the woman at the other table (by calling her a man). I also feel like a acted a bit immature. Anyways, I was supposed to give Sarah a ride home but I wanted to let the alcohol wear off. I felt she was in a rush so I told her I wouldn’t be offended if she took an uber home which she did and we said our good byes and I gave her a hug.

Could my comments have ruined it? I am worried that the woman at the next table might have even heard me. I am in one of the most liberal cities in the world, and Sarah works at a very liberal college. That combined with her being bi-sexual and likely having thought a lot about sexual identity issues and struggles may have made my comment offensive to her. Had I not been drunk I likely wouldn’t exercised more restraint.

Just to add a whole other layer of complexity here, I am still living with my daughter's mom. My daughter is 17, and my wife and I for the last 8 years or so have been living together as friends, with a sort of don't ask don't tell policy, because we didn't want to separate before our daughter graduated from high school. I told Sarah this and she was ok with it. In any event, though, my daughter mom had called me past midnight when I was with Sarah, and Sarah saw this. She smiled and said "She's wondering where you are". I told her she calls me sometimes to just remind me of things. It turned out that why she was really calling is that she didn't want me to wake her up when I got home, which is why she wanted me to come soon. I am worried that even though Sarah knew before that I was living with with my daughter's mom still, seeing her call me past midnight might have made Sarah think that I wasn't telling the truth about us livin together just as friends. Should I be worried about this.

Sorry- I know there are a bunch of questions in this post. It's a complicated situation I am trying to navigate.

Thanks!

[deValentin]

Don’t be too hard on yourself. To choose not to drive right away after three drinks was a wise choice, in my opinion. To be OCD-free means to accept that one is not perfect. Depending upon what generation you belong to, it’s not always easy to get used to the shift of social values about sexual identity. If a person is not willing to forgive you after an unintentional slip about sexual identity, especially when alcohol fogs the mind, maybe this raises an alarm about your relationship with that person. Of course, if this incident keeps repeating itself, it’s a different story. What’s important is to consider whether you have enough values in common on a regular basis for that relationship to have good chance of success. OCD tends to give us short-sighted vision, and make us forget the big picture.

[Winchester2022 in reply to deValentin]

Thanks DeValentin. As usual, your feedback is very helpful.

[Sallyskins]

Quite a lot going on here as you say! To begin with, don't feel you have to drink, or exceed your usual limit. It isn't compulsory. And it's perhaps to stay in control on a date - at least until you've got to know one another! I don't drink at all - not since I was 19, following a two day hangover, and I can assure anyone that you can still have fun sober. Have a drink by all means, but no need to explain if you don't want another. And don't, simply don't, drink and drive.

On the separate issue of 'gender identity' - don't feel that you have to apologize for your opinions or alter them to fit Sarah's. My own opinion is that no one can alter the sex they were born with and that sex is more important that 'gender identity'. I've been called a 'Nazi' and a 'bigot' for holding GC (gender critical) opinions. In fact I'm politically on the left, and I'm socially liberal when it comes to most things. If this is a bone of contention for you and Sarah, you'll either have to agree to disagree, or decide whether you're really compatible. All relationships involve compromise, but you don't have to give up your beliefs.

On the question of her not letting you kiss her, this is something you're going to need to sort out. It could be that she enjoys your company but that's as far as it goes. A kiss, particularly a first kiss, is usually mutual - so if she isn't up for it you'll have to decide whether you still want to go on with a platonic relationship or not.

Make sure you continue to be open about the arrangement you have with your ex-partner. Two people living together, whether or not they're actually sleeping together, and who share a daughter, are going to check up on things as a matter of course, if only to make sure that household matters are dealt with, such as who is going to put the garbage out!

I think it's a considerate arrangement - don't ask, don't tell - although no longer together, it's only good manners not to rub each other's noses in new relationships.

It strikes me that you are unsure of yourself, let alone Sarah. This is normal at the start of a relationship, but make sure that you make it clear that there are some things she'll have to tolerate - such as your opinions or your current living arrangements. That doesn't mean these things can't be discussed - just that you don't lose touch with who you are.

[Winchester2022 in reply to Sallyskins]

I appreciate it Sally! Everything is still pretty new, and we'll see how things develop.