hi
my intrusives are slowing down now and one of them is a lot less severe now but if you have read the mentioned post it should be the third most recent after this post do you think i am evil as i feel sick in even the thought of me doing that but the uncertainty is killing me
Having thoughts and doing something are two different things. Even if you feel like you may do something, that is not the same thing as actually doing it. OCD attacks what we value and instills doubt in those areas. Thoughts are just thoughts, nothing more. People without OCD get intrusive thoughts and are able to dismiss them right away because they don’t attach meaning to them. They treat them like junk mail. People with OCD have a low tolerance for uncertainty in the areas that OCD attacks although they tend to handle it well in other areas. Compulsions, like excessive reassurance seeking, are done to try to get certainty but there will always be another “what if”. When we don’t attach meaning to the obsessive thoughts , the distress goes down on its own naturally. ERP with a qualified provider can teach you how to do this
my problem is my ocd (undiagnosed but suspected) latches on to memories so kinda re/fm and completely changes my intentions/ what actually happens and feeds off the uncertainty to make me feel like shit
Learning to accept uncertainty is essential in OCD recovery, no matter what OCD theme or themes you have. OCD is OCD. Remember, thoughts don’t equal actions. Quality ERP will help you to accept uncertainty. We can’t escape uncertainty, it’s part of life. ERP can help you to learn the difference between your voice and the voice of OCD. You can learn to trust yourself.
That's a great analogy - odd intrusive thoughts as junk mail. Thanks for that!
I know for 100,000% fact that you are NOT I repeat NOT evil.
but im not diagnosed so what if its not ocd and i am
You don't have to be diagnosed for me to know this. If you were truly evil you wouldn't be so worried about it.
Very true! I remember reading such a statement and it helped me. If I were really evil, I wouldn't be second-guessing my evil thoughts, I would be trying to act on them.
First off, you are not your thoughts. I want to be clear about that. When a person acts on these thoughts that turns out into something else. I have beaten myself into the ground for thoughts that I have zero control of, and the thoughts make me hate myself beyond measure. But they're thoughts. Now this information alone won't fix anything, but it's a starting point. The work we all have to put in isn't easy, and we may stumble, but we can get up and try again. We all, as humans want things to happen yesterday, sadly that isn't how it works. But while you might feel like an evil person, maybe step back for a different perspective. Evil people never question if they are evil or bad. They can't feel guilt about it and are fully justified in their actions in their mind. If you get horrendous thoughts and feel fear, are repulsed, or even ask the question "am I evil?" And it bothers you, that isn't you. It's your ocd tricking you. I don't know why our brains seem to be hell bent on destroying our lives and sanity. But that's the fact. You aren't your ocd, and you must certainly aren't the only one that goes through this. Ocd never goes away, but you can manage it. But we have to advocate for ourselves or find someone we trust to help us do that. Because I can run circles around almost any mental health professional with what I know about ocd. It's not something most of them study. Yet even the United States government recognizes ocd to be one of the most debilitating mental issues a person can have. The only thing I would ask is that you never give up. I wish you the best.
Everything that that has been said by the others is right.
If you were evil you would enjoy thinking about touching kids. I know you're not evil because this clearly bothers you. It's just OCD doing what it does to all of us with OCD: it tries to trick you into thinking you're something that you're not. Hope this helps. 
I increased my lexapro to 40mg and the OCD thoughts are much easier to push away and do ERP For 3 weeks they were constant and you feel like you're going nuts. have your tried meds besides therapy?
Update!! 
