If you are a person whose own mind has seen their agency/autonomy shot to shit to the point of being barely functional ...

[EarthenWhere]

I'd like to hear from you. Looking to connect with others who find themselves in a similar position. I've become terribly isolated and am in desperate need of kinship with others who understand the pure hell that is severe obsessive compulsive disorder.

[deValentin]

You found the right place where to look for support and share experiences with OCD. You're describing OCD as 'pure hell'. You're right, OCD is indeed distressing and impairing. Those are the two hallmarks of OCD.

What's your OCD theme and what therapies have you tried or are presently trying, if you don't mind sharing?

[EarthenWhere in reply to deValentin]

Hey, mate, thanks for responding.The overarching theme for me has always been disgust based contamination since it started getting out of hand in my teens. I think it's mainly what makes normal functioning so difficult. Also a preoccupation with bodily functions and sensations which I suppose would fall into the somatic or just right category. But the more I've learned about the disorder over the years I see that it works its way into many facets of my life. And indeed it has evolved and worsened over time. Paranoia, moral scrupulosity, huge fear of judgement/ridicule, doubting and second guessing everything, relentless rumination. Not necessarily even about the certain themes but everything and everything. Idk I'm pretty confused. There have been some periods where it's been almost all encompassing and I find myself sitting still for hours unable to snap out of my mind to take any action. Or other times I end up endlessly pacing back n forth and around and momentarily seeing to things of no consequence for the purpose of avoiding the daunting things. And it all seems to happen automatically as though I have no say in what happens. It's maddening.

I have been in and out of community mental health therapy many times over the years and I've gone private a couple of times but never actually seen an ocd specialist. They are very hard to come by where I live. It's especially hard when I'm not leaving the house for long periods. I did try online through NOCD once but it didn't work out and it's an expense a bit beyond me in the long term. Much of my earlier adult life was spent trying to escape myself through alcohol and other substances. This really messed with my chances at any real lasting recovery. I've been sober for over four years now and still I struggle. There may be more at play than OCD I'm not sure it's been a long time since I had a formal assessment.

Right now I have a community support worker visit me once a fortnight or so and while it's helpful to vent and have someone to bounce off he has no idea how to help me really and he's even said in so many words that he doesn't think he or his team can do much for me.

Right now I'm trying to make an effort to get involved in the online support community. Which is difficult because anything to do with online stuff is hard for me. I'm also trying to educate myself on the therapeutic use of psychedelics and/or ketamine. Ideally I'd like to get myself into clinical trials for ketamine assisted therapy or psilocybin assisted therapy. The way things have been the past few years especially I feel it may be my only hope. And then there's the problem of getting myself into a position to actually be able to attend sessions and go through with it. I know it's in me to get better I've come back from really bad states of being stuck for years. Maybe a bigger problem for me is a lack of inspiration. The light inside being smothered layer upon layer over and over and dimmed over time with each failure to maintain recovery.

I just feel that this time is going to take something drastic.

[SCC1 in reply to EarthenWhere]

Hi! Your words of lack of inspiration, the light being smothered and "dimmed over time", is exactly how I feel. I wonder why I don't take more action to get better or why I just go through life with a "whatever happens, happens" attitude, meaning I'll just take whatever comes along without doing much about it. I've been through so much mentally, it's just become a natural way of thinking to accept what happens even though I don't like to go through it. I also wonder what it will take to make me act in a more productive way to get help. Having so many problems since I was young, it seems my mind just gave up due to being tortured.

I hope you find a way out of your situation and that you are strong to do what needs to be done in order for you to have better mental health. It is possible even if that light stays on a little dimmed. Imo, that means you are not unable to get help. There is still hope to make it shine bright!

Good luck, I wish you all the best!

[deValentin in reply to EarthenWhere]

Being properly assessed is indeed the first step in choosing a treatment. I understand that because you didn't get the desired results in the past, you lost faith in your ability to get better. That makes it difficult to cope with life. In my opinion, regaining some self-confidence is key to recovery.

Now it looks like you're placing your hope in some kind of treatment with medication. I can't make any comments on that, because what helped me feel better was exposure and response prevention. I discovered I could end my disturbing thoughts by stopping investing in compulsions instead of engaging in them. Everybody has to find what works best for them. I wish you find what works best for you.

[LuvSun]

I’m so sorry to hear how much you are suffering. Have you ever been on any medication for your OCD? I too suffer with Contamination OCD and Moral Scrupulosity for over 30 + years. I have not really tried ERP but have been taking Prozac all these years and it helps a lot.

[EarthenWhere in reply to LuvSun]

Hi 🙂Yes, I've tried a number of SSRIs. Some of them helped for a time and others not at all and some seemed to make me worse. I settled on citalopram and this did help and I stayed on it for about a decade until it just seemed to do nothing so I stopped.

I was later prescribed clomipramine which I had an adverse reaction to. I should mention that my excessive use of alcohol screwed with the effectiveness of any medications but hey. After that I swore off conventional medications for good. But more recently I found myself in a desperate situation again and was willing to try anything so I followed everything the psychiatrist suggested and began on escitalopram along with a beta blocker for acute anxiety. The escitalopram did not seem to help in the slightest and I gave it away after a handful of months. All I use now with any regularity is CBD oil. It definitely helps but ... there's no fix in a bottle it's all symptom alleviation.

So to sum up I've pretty much given up on SSRIs and similar medications.

Thank you I appreciate the input.

[Zen108 in reply to LuvSun]

How many years have you been taking Prozac? What's your dose?

[LuvSun in reply to Zen108]

I’ve been taking Prozac off and on over the past 30+ years. I’m currently taking 80 mg/ day. I’ve briefly tried other meds but always go back to the Prozac.