I've been struggling to hold it together for the past few days so I wanted to come on here and write what I was feeling/thinking to get it all out. I just want someone to listen and maybe give a little advice.
I've been having trouble sleeping for the past few weeks; waking up very early in the morning and not being able to get back to sleep. It doesn't help that one of my OCD themes is about getting to sleep and getting enough sleep. I have a prescription for Ambien that I've been taking (10mg) but I'm still waking up very early. All this lack of sleep is starting to get to me I think. I'm noticing that I'm having more trouble with my OCD, trouble focusing, working, etc. I called the doctor this morning to ask if there is something else I should do, but they haven't gotten back to me.
I'm just scared at the moment. I'm scared I'm falling back into a hole that I've tried to so hard to climb out of the past few years. I'm scared something bad is going to happen; that I'll lose my job and let my family down; that I won't be able to perform; that this medicine isn't working; etc. I'm scared that this will consume me and that I will never work again and be a failure and a drain on my family. I don't want that.
I also worked so hard the last year to get off of Benzos and Ambien and here I am taking it again. I feel so bad about that. It took so much effort and here I am taking them again. I know I'm not, but I feel like a failure.
It's also hard because my wife, who tries to be understanding and helpful doesn't really get what I'm going through. She gets frustrated sometimes at my issues so I let her know what's going on, but don't really go into detail. I've found that I'm usually looking for help and I know I can only really do this on my own.
I feel like if I can just get a decent couple nights sleep and relax then I'll start to be able to get a handle on this. It just seems so difficult right now.
If you have any advice or encouragement I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you all.
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IStillHaveHope
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Hi, IStillHaveHope. Has anything come up recently, like a new stressor? If so, that might be causing the trouble sleeping. And, I agree with you, that when you do get proper sleep, you will feel better.
You said you are afraid you will get back to how you were before you got better. If things start to get worse, know that you have gotten better before, and you can feel better again.
Nothing absolutely says that you will go back to where you had been before. Use the tools you have learned over the years to help you at this time. Even if they don't totally help, any use of them will benefit you.
You obviously know this, but just to make a statement, I'll say, your username is IStillHaveHope. You chose that name for a reason. Keep having hope and try not to think the worst will happen. Just because you think things will get worse, doesn't mean that they will or if they do, it doesn't mean that they will get to the degree that you are thinking they will.
Nothing is written in stone.
I know you are scared, and I feel for you. But, these things you are wondering about, what might happen, are not happening now, according to your post. I think that that projection is a lot of anxiety taking hold and making you question or somewhat believe these things could happen.
I know it's hard, I really do, but try not to let your fears run away with you.
Maybe different or increased meds would help, for now. But, more importantly, talk with your Dr and let them know exactly how you are feeling. They know what to do when someone starts not to feel good again. If you don't think your wife understands what you are going through, or it is difficult to talk about, IMO, your dr/therapist are the best resources you can have, and they will do what's right for you.
You're not in this alone. You hopefully have a dr/therapist that you can trust, and you have us, all here to support you.
Don't worry, my friend, you will get past this, even if it involves a little more work right now to get there.
I hope you start to feel better soon. Remember to try to use the techniques you had used before that made you feel better, and I think it will help you to not get back to where you had been prior to your recovery.
Thank you so much for your reply. It's been a difficult month and I may be feeling burned out. I did call my doctor and have an appointment on Monday.
You're right. I did choose this name for a reason. When choosing it I wanted to see something positive. Something to remind me to keep going. Thank you for reminding me of that again.
Hey Sorry I didn't see this! I spoke with my doctor and she wanted to try a different medicine. I was on an SSRI, but we talked about switching to an SNRI (Pristiq). I'm in the transition period right now and it's a little rough. Typical stuff, insomnia, increased anxiety, fogginess, etc. I'm on a half dose now and will be going to the full dose in a few days. I am hopeful though. I've been in tough places before and this is just another one. I plan on continuing to work through it.
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