Real event memory about grandma

[samantha277]

This is about a real life event. I feel so guilty about this. I just want to say that I have not been diagnosed with OCD but have had symptoms since I was 11.

My grandma is SO SO good to me. I love her so much. She means a lot to me. We have been very close since I was a baby.

At the beginning of 2019, she had a "minor stroke". The day she had a stroke, we were out bumming. While we were at a clothing store, she started to ask me if she had work. She looked very confused. I told her that she hadn't had work since December 2018. So about 4-6 months before the stroke. She still wanted to check the schedule. My sister and I were definitely concerned at this point. I think after this my grandma and I went to the grocery store, and while we were shopping she was taking a long time to do things. And I remember she kept looking at things we didn't need. I started acting really impatient and rude with her. This is what I feel terrible for. My sister and I got my grandma on the phone with my mom, and we all got her to go to the hospital. Turned out she was having a stroke.

When we were in the grocery store, I had no idea she was having a stroke. I think I had felt concerned before though. That's what really makes me feel bad. That I had already seen she was confused about if she had work or not, which is obviously a huge red flag, but I still acted impacient.

I apologized to her. She held my hand, because I was very emotional, and told me that it's okay and that she doesn't even remember any of that (see, she's too good to me). It's no excuse though. I should not have been so rude to her.

There are other times I've been impacient as well.. I feel guilty every time. I'm working on it though. I need to control myself more. If I don't, I'm going to feel extremely regretful and guilty when she passes away. I'm gonna feel like I wasn't enough. That is a huge fear of mine. I want to be the best I can be to her. She's done so much for me... I've done hardly anything for her. I'm so mad at myself. I'm going to start being good to her until it's too late.

[samantha277]

I don't know if this is important to what I posted at all but she is 76, about to be 77 years old. I don't want to see her age. The thought of it causes me so much pain. I hate the idea of it. At this point, she still acts like herself. I don't want to see the change though. I hope I have her for many years to come...

[Gretajetta in reply to samantha277]

I was very close to my grandmother too. I had a major fear of her dying to the point I drove her crazy. I lived with her so I would constantly open her bedroom door at night and keep asking are u alright gram? Over and over. Until she yelled at me lol. I would watch to make sure she was breathing. I was so afraid of losing her. Am 45 now and she has been gone for 6 years. I am not sure why I felt the need to always check on her. Even when I married and moved out I would call constantly. I had to be the last to say night to her or kiss her goodbye or say love you. If someone else in the house did it before we left I would go back in and do it. She knew I loved her but I had to do it. I wrote in another post that even now to this day my pillow cases the open end have to be pointed toward the cemetery. Why? I don’t know but I still do it. Even if I’m faraway on vacation. I try to figure out which direction the cemetery would be and I do it. I know you love your grandma and she knows u Love her. I think we have a fear of losing loved ones.

[HannahMae]

Hi there, thanks for sharing that, I know that must have been hard. I have OCD myself and I have to say, based on what you said, it sounds a lot like OCD. That feeling of guilt and regret, and feeling like you didn't do enough are common feelings for OCD sufferers.

I just wanted to quickly share my recent experience with my grandmom. She lived in an attachment to our house and so our family would see her pretty regularly. Just this past October, she had a stroke and that next week or so was so hard to handle. She was unconscious most of the time when i went to visit her, but rarely she would be awake and I felt like I just wanted her to know how much I loved her. But I felt like she didn't know and it pained me and it still does sometimes when I think about it. Like I'll have dreams where I tell her and I make sure she knows and it gives me relief. I think that OCD plays a part into this, though, and I know it really stinks to have those feelings of regret and guilt. The fact that when you apologized to your grandmom and she didn't even remember any of it but STILL feel those horrible feeling is exactly the kind of thing that OCD does. And it just wants you to keep thinking about how bad of a person you are and all these negative, untrue thoughts.

I know it's difficult, but when the bad thoughts come up, try to just notice them, say, "Huh", like you're just a curious observer. Because when you do that, you're showing your mind, "Hey, this is just another random thought. It doesn't have power, it doesn't have meaning." Your brain will start to see thoughts for what they are- just thoughts. And those bad feeling you get associated with those thoughts? They'll start to lessen overtime.

I hope this made sense and I really hope it helps you.

~Hannah

[samantha277 in reply to HannahMae]

This made me feel a lot better about the situation, thank you.

[TheGeneral]

Hi Samantha,

I am also very impatient so I need to work on this also. Having said that, I see a common problem of people who have OCD (or "nearly OCD," which I believe was my case for many years.) We tend to react very intensely, especially to mistakes and even more intensely to mistakes affecting someone we are closed to. Try to remember that you are not perfect and no one else is either (even you grandmother.) Sounds like your grandmother has forgiven you and it would be good if you could forgive yourself, at least partially. Then you can better enjoy being with your grandmother and not overly focus on being "perfect" with her. BTW I hope to take my own advice.