Relationship OCD Bothering me for Years

[Maximus2019]

Hi. I’m 42 years old, and have had OCD probably my whole life.I got married when I was only 22. We have a daughter now, our only child, who just turned 16. Almost three years ago, literally a day before the pandemic began, my daughter was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis. This in combination with the pandemic was devastating. Fortunately, she has been doing well the last year. Nevertheless, I worry about not doing anything stressful that may contribute to her having a flare up.

So many of my life's goals, actions, and inactions have been driven by OCD, that I can't even trust my current goals and actions. How do I know whether or not what I am choosing to do or not do in life is OCD driven or legitimate? A consistent OCD theme for me has been related to a lady I met back in 2014 who is a graphic designer who helped me to build my website. Since the summer of 2019 we’ve had a relationship that’s been at times more like friends and at times romantic. On average we’ve probably only met once a month or every other month or so. She is single, three years younger than me, and has a daughter who is older than mine. I also have occasionally helped her with her rent and other expenses, although we went on a few dates before I did any of that, and she doesn’t make that a condition of our friendship.

The OCD revolves around me never being able to figure out a) whether or not I should be seeing her anymore, at least until my daughter turns 18, b) how much if any financial help I should be giving her for now until I’ve saved up for my daughter’s college, and c) worrying that she may be using money that I give her for drugs. I have no concrete reason to believe she is using any drugs now- she is full time employed at a high tech company as a graphics designer, recently bought her own home, etc. My only basis for this belief is that back in 2019 she’s told me that she has done mushrooms. She also told me that the father or her child, who she hasn’t been in a relationship with in more than 20 years, did hard drugs. She also sometimes disappears for weeks without returning my messages, but I don’t know if that’s just because she’s busy. All three are food for my OCD. In addition, I also worry about my daughter’s colitis and that somehow having a relationship with her may cause my daughter to have symptoms because my daughter will feel that I’m not as mentally present which may stress her out.

To sum up the issue- how does one make decisions- especially decisions which are not black and white decisions, in the face of OCD? A conservative approach would be to just say that I’m married and therefore shouldn’t have a relationship with another lady, period. Some people might say that if the relationship is making me happy then it’s a valid choice. I am on good terms with my wife, but I do share a lot of interests with my friend that I don’t share with my wife. You could go as far as to say that we’ve had a don’t ask don’t tell policy for the oast ten years, although I don’t know for sure from my wife’s end. I just want to be able to make a concrete decision about the relationship and not have to keep second guessing it. One day I’ll tell myself to end it with my friend, the next I’ll tell myself it’s ok to keep some level of connection if it doesn’t go beyond friendship, another day I’ll tell myself it’s ok to have something romantic once in a while, etc. Going as far as moving in with my friend is not really something I’m considering, but when my daughter is 18 and is in college, I do think it would be nice to start going on trips to places now and again for a week or so. Five times a day I will change my mind though about where I should stand with my friend! I even go back and forth in my mind about how many times a month/year we should meet. I’ve had these thoughts for years! It’s reminiscent of when I was five years old driving to go shopping with my mom and would be kicking and thrashing all around her car to drive me home to stay with my dad, but then as soon as I’d get home I’d regret my decision and want to go with my mom. Once I’d be in her car again, I’d again change my mind and start the cycle over.I just imagine all the productive time I’ve lost because of these thoughts- including lost time at work and not being present like I want for my daughter.

Many times I’ve promised myself to end the relationship and just stay friends and meet a couple times a year at most, but, a month later, I start to feel like I’m depriving myself of enjoyment and get stressed from work and everything and can’t help but wanting to see her again. When I am seeing her I’m filled with OCD that I shouldn’t be. I feel it’s a choice between extreme boredom and a feeling of self-deprivation on the one hand, and constant anxiety and ocd on the other hand about whether or not I’m wrong to be diverting mental and financial resources (although the financial help I give is not cutting into my daughter’s funds) to my friend and potentially risking facilitating her drug use (although I have no strong evidence that she does drugs).Someone without OCD would just make a decision and not keep second guessing it. I can’t do that! I feel trapped and that I just want to move away somewhere far away where I can’t meet her anymore. At times when I feel my friend is not going to talk to me anymore, I feel relieved since I no longer have to make a decision what to do. That's how I felt recently until I got her call after not hearing from her for a week. This is one of the longest standing and most time-consuming issues that I’ve been dealing with over the years, so I would greatly appreciate any help in understanding what to do. Before my daughter had been diagnosed with UC, I was less anxious about the relationship with my friend since I felt my daughter was less vulnerable then. I feel frozen today thinking about this and it’s hard to do anything. I know this question could be approached from a couple’s counseling perspective, and I do not mind some advuce from that angle, but I am mainly looking for OCD advice. I’ve had it so long that I know it’s a huge factor in this situatio. Thanks!

[Sallyskins]

This other woman is clearly messing you around. She appears to have a good, well-paid job. She is not your responsibility. On the other hand, your daughter is your responsibility. Don't give this woman another penny.

As for your marriage - that has to be for you and your wife to sort out. If both of you are cool with an open sort of marriage, that's your business. But this 'don't ask, don't tell' attitude appears to be pretty vague. It could just be that your wife just puts up with it because she thinks she has to.

I think some clarification of both these relationships is needed. This other woman appears to be using you and sponging off you. This relationship is on her terms, not yours, while your relationship with your wife is on your terms, not hers. Healthy relationships have to be on equal terms.

Of course it's only fair that you should have some enjoyment in your life, but you also have to take responsibility for what you do. These are moral choices, not OCD choices. How happy is your wife? Is she too bored? If there's something missing from your marriage, it's likely that she's feeling it too.

I know about the indecision that OCD can cause. But that shouldn't stop you from doing the right thing. Obviously, the priority has to be your daughter, but that doesn't mean you are stuck with your present situation. A little openness and communication might help. But no matter what else you decide, it might be best to cut ties with this other woman. She is messing with your head and with your responsibilities.

[Maximus2019 in reply to Sallyskins]

Thank you this is solid advice. Looking I back I don’t know how I carried on with the relationship with my friend for this long. At one point I told her I could not do anything financial and she was fine with it and we kept meeting. Are you saying I shouldn’t meet her, even without money involved?

Also, I don’t know how my therapist endorsed the relationship with my friend for so long. He is excellent, but my friendship, if you can call it that, with her has only taken huge amounts of mental energy for small reward.

[Sallyskins in reply to Maximus2019]

It's not really for me to say whether or not you should carry on meeting this woman friend. She sounds positively toxic and I think she's using you. She has you on a string, takes you up or drops you according to her convenience. She keeps you dangling waiting for her to give you a few crumbs. She clearly isn't making you happy, or you wouldn't be questioning your relationship with her.

It does sounds as though you could do with something more in your life. Try to sort out what you and your wife want from your marriage, and if you or she want to continue with it. Obviously, there is your daughter to consider, but you can still be a support to her no matter what you decide.

Having OCD does make decision-making difficult, but there are many things you can do to make life more interesting for you.

[Maximus2019 in reply to Sallyskins]

I appreciate your help. Not only does OCD make decision making harder, it also makes me put people on a pedestal for reasons other people wouldn't even consider. I put my friend on a pedestal by telling myself she's very smart (very good at board games of skill) and made a big deal in my mind that she was born in France! the last part about being from France is what I think OCD is causing me to latch onto because I don't think it should have much significance for a person without OCD. I tell myself that people from France are generally friendly (which is true where I live in general), and laid back, etc. This combined with my overall attaction makes it hard for me to give up the relationship because I tell myself I may never again find someone with all the characteristics that wants a relationship with me.

[Sallyskins in reply to Maximus2019]

To be honest, it doesn't sound like much of a relationship anyway. I note that you rule out moving in with her - that doesn't sound like commitment. And her disappearing acts suggest that she doesn't feel commitment either.

Forming a relationship in any case is more than a tick-box exercise. Someone can tick all the boxes and still not be right for you. And it doesn't help to put someone on a pedestal (for their skill at board games or anything else) - in a good relationship you should be on equal terms. And she's the one pulling your strings here!

It does sounds as though you are unhappy and uncommitted to your marriage. If a relationship with someone not your wife is what you want, you really ought to sort that out first. There are no doubt lots of women who might suit you as a partner, but few will want to be your bit on the side or the 'other woman'.

If on the other hand, your marriage means something to you, then both you and your wife deserve better from it. Certainly, some people, (particularly men, I think) like to think they have an open marriage but in reality their partner isn't happy with the situation and merely putting up with it.

And although you don't have to stay with your wife simply for your daughter's sake, it's important that your daughter's welfare is paramount in anything you decide.

[Maximus2019 in reply to Sallyskins]

Thanks. Just a note on her disappearing acts- she says she disappears not just from me but from everyone due to her own personal struggles some times which she hasn’t elaborated on. She claims not to understand what’s going on with herself during those times when I ask, but I think she knows more than she’s telling me. I do know she must’ve had some life trauma by having a kid at 18 while still in high-school and the father turning out to be addicted to drugs. Her own dad graduated from a top school as an engineer and kept her away from her child’s father. Despite the fact that it’s been 8 years since we first met, There are still many unanswered questions I have about her including the real reason why she disappears.

[Sallyskins in reply to Maximus2019]

In spite of having known her eight years you don't really know much about her. She's clearly not telling you what you need to know if you really want a relationship with her. It sounds as though she has problems. But it's still messing you about, and her ready acceptance of money is to say the least dodgy. I could have misjudged her, but she sounds mixed up and a freeloader into the bargain. If she wants a relationship with you she needs to be honest with you. Altogether she sounds like someone you're better off without, particularly as you have your own problems with OCD and responsibilities to your daughter.

[Maximus2019 in reply to Sallyskins]

Thank you that makes sense. Now I hope I can make a decision and keep it. OCD is the doubting disease and whenever I decide to cut things off I feel really regretful about my decision shortly after.

[Sallyskins in reply to Maximus2019]

It's only natural to have regrets. They aren't necessarily OCD-related. But any decision you make should be guided by what is fairest all round.

[helloworld22 in reply to Maximus2019]

Were you as forthcoming about your relationship with this woman friend to your therapist as you have been here?

How long have you been in therapy with this therapist? Has he discussed ERP (exposure and response reception), CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy), or other treatment modalities with you?

Are you taking any medication to help with your OCD?

With respect to this question, “How do I know whether or not what I am choosing to do or not do in life is OCD driven or legitimate?” - if it feels like OCD it is OCD. Healthy thinking and behavior do not feel like OCD.

[Maximus2019 in reply to helloworld22]

I’ve been in therapy with him off and on for five years. I’ve spoken with him in detail about my friend on many meetings.

He does exposure and some CBT. I also read Brain Lock by Schwartz when I was 21. I have never taken meds for OCD.

Thanks

[helloworld22 in reply to Maximus2019]

A few thoughts. They don’t cover everything but they come to mind..

Whether somebody else takes drugs is not your responsibility.

Making choices that help (don’t hurt) your dependent child living with you is your primary responsibility.

Regarding ROCD - you’re not smothering her so it could be worse. In fact, are you in a conflict that is so “mild” there is not enough pain to force you to change?

[Maximus2019]

Thanks. I was not clear from your response whether or not you were saying that I should consider continuing the relationship with my friend?

“Regarding ROCD - you’re not smothering her so it could be worse. In fact, are you in a conflict that is so “mild” there is not enough pain to force you to change?”

Please clarify what you meant by I’m not smothering her and whether you were talking about my friend or my daughter. Also please clarify what you meant about the conflict being mild and not enough pain to force a change.

Thanks

[helloworld22 in reply to Maximus2019]

Sorry I was unclear.

I’m not making a recommendation about continuing your relationship with your friend or not. I’m offering observations.

I’ve been in situations where I was so worried about a relationship that I “smothered” someone, which will drive you and them to distraction, and usually drive someone off. Your situation doesn’t seem that intense, and that’s what I mean by “at least it’s not that bad”. But I may be underestimating it, and if so ignore the rest.

Sometimes we have to be pushed by a situation (maybe with emotional pain) to reach a point where we will do something about it. If you have a relatively mild case of ROCD, maybe part of the reason you’re stuck is you don’t have enough impetus to change?

[Maximus2019 in reply to helloworld22]

I appreciate your help. "Sometimes we have to be pushed by a situation (maybe with emotional pain) to reach a point where we will do something about it." In the context of ROCD, can you give an example of this?