I'm in high school right now, and I developed OCD over quarantine a couple of years ago. It's my senior year now and I've never felt so worn down, lonely, physically fatigued, painfully insecure, and confused before. Everything is exhausting, just living with the thoughts. Nobody in my family knows what I'm going through mental illness-wise, and neither do my friends. I know that nobody will understand. There is so much pressure on me to succeed and pursue my dreams. Go out to all the senior year events. Enjoy life. But how can I balance all of this when just dealing with the OCD thoughts themselves is so painful and debilitating? How do I meet my academic expectations and build a social life and keep myself healthy when I don't even want to leave my room? When my OCD is so bad I cry for hours.
I used to have goals and dreams. To give a shit about my social life and want to do something better for myself. But I'm so tired I've lost all of that now. I don't even know what I want. And it's so exhausting I'm tired of myself for being this way. I just want to break down and hole myself away from the world until my wounds heal, but I know the wounds are here to stay. I know I'm going to have to live with all of this pain, I just don't know how.
Just looking for some words of hope and encouragement out here. From all of you that have been fighting a lot longer than I have.
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Hoping4Life
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It sucks, doesn't it - just as you should be having fun with your friends, exploring new things, and thinking about a career, OCD grabs hold of you and shuts you in your room.
It might help if you can be as open as possible about your OCD with your family and friends. Many might not understand - it's a difficult thing for people without OCD to get their heads around - but they can still sympathize and support.
It's difficult, I know, to say 'I've got this weird mental condition called OCD and it's making my life so hard' but I expect many of your family and friends will have noticed there's something wrong. Being open as far as you can will give them the chance to support.
How much help are you getting already? Meds can do a lot to damp down the OCD and lift the depression - and it does sounds like you are depressed as well. Then, CBT - cognitive behavioural therapy - can teach you to counter the OCD and do things again that you want to do - recover that sense of adventure and fun.
It's exhausting having OCD - been there, done that - I've had it for many years! I had OCD symptoms from my late teens and soldiered on the best I could until I had a nervous breakdown aged 21-22. Since then I've learned to manage it, with a lot of help from therapists and a lot of support from friends and family. So I know how it can wear you out and wear you down.
So make an appointment with your doctor, if you haven't done so, and ask to be referred to a psychiatrist and CBT therapist.
Medication is usually in the form of SSRI antidepressants - they can be really effective. This can be supplemented with a low dose of an antipsychotic such as aripiprazole. This can really lift you - for me, it felt as if colours had regained their brightness. But don't let them prescribe you sulpiride - it makes you put on weight.
Another thing you can do is make a start on CBT with a self-help book such as Overcoming Obsessive Compulsive Disorder or The OCD Workbook. There are others available, but these ones in particular are good and reliable - make sure you get one that uses CBT and has exercises you can adapt to your own form of OCD.
This is a long post, but there is a lot you can do. Please post updates and let us know how you are getting on.
I should just like to add that I had lots of fun in my twenties - parties, concerts, theatre, art galleries, plenty of socializing - and all with OCD! So it is possible to do the things you used to love doing, whether or not OCD is tagging along with you.
Don't put too much pressure on yourself academically either. It's always possible to catch up on your studies if you are struggling now. Confide in your teachers - they may be able to help you.
There are accommodations that can be provided at school, for example, reducing repetitive homework assignments. I recommend "The Tourette Syndrome and OCD Checklist: A Practical Reference for Parents and Teachers" by Susan Conners.
Also, my son found it helpful to practice self-disclosing. It got easier with practice. The monster doesn't seem quite so big when it no longer has to be a secret from everyone.
In the short term, perhaps your doctor could help you explain it to your family.
All us here can understand your pain. We are all on different journeys with our OCD. I have had it since I was six years old in many different forms. I had therapists but no one could identify or understand it enough to really give me help. Yes I was put on meds (which really help by the way), but I still needed TOOLS and someone to consult with about this disorder. It wasn't until a couple of years ago that I actually found a therapist that dealt (qualified) in OCD that I was helped. I'm 69 years old right now, and I have to tell you that I am really really enjoying my life now.
It may not be for everyone, but my true KEY here was finding this qualified therapist. I learned so many tools to help me when I was triggered, that after practicing and practicing, can almost automatically now recall my tools and settle myself down using self talk and trusty little index cards with my tools.
I still take meds and I believe I will for the rest of my life, but peace of mind is all worth it to be able to now smile every day!
Sometimes you have to try different therapists to find that one that "fits". Many are therapists and truthfully try to help, but trying to use the usual tactics, or trying to reason with you, or making sense of it all is NOT what we need. We all understand how illogical it all is. It's the therapist that has seen it, knows the different types of OCD and has the resources to help you that is key.
I can't say that enough. If you cannot afford it (my insurance paid everything), find one that will work on a sliding scale for you, check with your county health department, your doctor, etc. to find someone. But Please, make sure they are qualified in OCD techniques or it will be in vain. Been there, done that.
On the iocdf.org website you can search in your area for trained professions. Please start there.
Also, as hard as it is, when you talk to your doctor, psychologist or whoever, please understand that they have probably heard it all and you won't shock them ... it is crucial to really tell them what is going on, no matter how embarrassing it may be to you. I was at that point, that I didn't care who knew, I HAD to find help. I was about at the end of my rope and needed intervention. I knew how ridiculous my thoughts were and it was embarrassing. But I found compassionate people to help me.
I'm here if you ever need to talk. Others here are also here to help. Much love and luck to you.
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