Still new here but thought I’d let out one of my biggest fears (because I feel comfortable now)

[outtasnacks97]

I’m not particularly looking for any reassurance and this is something I’m currently working on with my therapist but I’m really glad to find a place where I feel no judgement or invalidation to say what OCD thoughts are causing suffering (even if it is a “strange” one hehe).

From a toxic friendship/relationship which OCD really caused a lot of suffering and discomfort, I went undiagnosed and unaccepted every anxious thought that popped up for a long time. Because of that I felt the need to cut off every time I tried to get out and try to date again. I met some very sweet, nice, and fun women to be around and at the time anxiety and OCD were interfering so bad trying to get my cognition straight thinking “okay I can’t be anxious, I have to fix myself before I date again. All the compulsive thoughts are coming up and it’s not how I truly feel, what if I get jealous, what if we disagree on something?what’s happening I can’t be like this!” All those thoughts felt detrimental to me. That eventually snowballed and lead to ups and downs thinking I was ready to date again whenever I had an up moment. Because of this I even felt the need to abandon the friendships I wish I could’ve kept with these women because I was so uncomfortable with myself. I didn’t accept myself at all wanted to force recovery everyday. Like I needed to be calm and collected and not have a wandering thought in my mind around women. I was searching for a feeling that wasn’t achievable for me. It eventually got too much to the point that my roommates and close friends who were females started giving me anxiety and I would obsess over the thoughts “what if they did something to cause me anxiety? I might spiral out beyond belief and have to cut them out of my life”. And that was exactly what (OCD thinking) happened. I bought into every anxious/intrusive thought that came up and believed that I couldn’t be around a certain female friend because I associated every anxious thought I had about her with danger and the thought of me having to cut her out felt so real. I ended up with a relapse because of this and a week of feeling ashamed, confused, and guilty and ended up coming home to find comfort. All of that turned into a fear that I would be triggered by ever women I would come around even including my mom (I couldn’t wrap my head around how all this snowballed). Every time the urge to have an anxious or intrusive thought I would beat myself up about it and try to get rid of all my urges. Turned out to be the worst way to go.

Fast forward being three weeks into starting a slow mellow recovery I have found a therapist who I enjoy talking to and feel very validated talking too as well as helped me see things I never even noticed about myself, family, etc. I’m not expecting to find 100% comfort soon or be able to comfortably date or meet people but I know i will get there and accept my compulsions. Finding out I struggle with OCD was life changing because I learned to not blame myself for every thought and feeling I have. I don’t expect anyone to try to fully understand my struggle but I finally feel good enough to let it out. Thanks everyone

[fromzerotopanic]

Doesn't it feel great to just let the words gush out! It's so difficult holding in your deepest thoughts because, even if we have an excellent family/friend support group, there is always that fear that if they 'really knew' what we think, they'd think we were crazy! So we hold it in and suffer. But here, even if we might not all have the same thing we 'obsess about', it all boils down to the same thing! We can see ourselves in each other, and there's no judgement! I have had some excellent recommendations for self help information (of course stick with your therapist as well!), but if you have time to check out a few videos, search for DARE; Help with Anxiety and Depression by Barry Mcdonagh. He bases his work off of Dr Claire Weekes. I have OCD and Anxiety (they seem to coexist together!), but these videos and how we handle anxious thoughts has been extremely helpful so far! We all have ;thoughts;, its just how we react to them is different, they scare the heck out of us, and that gets us 'stuck'!

[outtasnacks97 in reply to fromzerotopanic]

Thank you for the recommendation! I will definitely check it out. And its very true, the reaction can feel catastrophic and so anxiety inducing. It's very comforting knowing im not alone