Internet Issues, Day Trading, Reputation Management

I've had various forms of OCD issues since I was 12. Co-morbid with skin picking and hair pulling, which I didn't even know was a thing until I was into middle age. I thought it was just me.

Technically not OCD, but adjacent.

My perfectionism OCD makes me good at my job, but it can also be crippling. I constantly check and recheck papers, looking for tiny mistakes while missing the big picture.

I am continually monitoring the internet for stories, often about me. But if not, then about things that I worry about. I spend way too much time on social media worrying.

A few years ago, I started day trading. At first I did really well and was very responsible. Then I made some really dumb moves and tried desperately to get my money back by making even dumber moves. I finally realized my day trading wasn't really addiction as much as it was another manifestation of my OCD: a control issue and a fear of losing control.

I've managed to (almost) completely stop the day trading, but I still spend too much time staring at a computer screen even though I'm not trading.

I often feel like I'm in a fugue state. I don't even notice the passage of time. I feel numb. A gambler doesn't feel numb, they feel euphoria, they feel depressed. If I lose money, I feel pretty much nothing.

It took me a long time to really settle down and process how much I really did lose. Only then was I able to push myself to cut back.

Wondering if anyone else has any of these impulses/issues.

[SCC1]

Hi. I almost constantly live in a fugue state. I feel numb and like I have no emotion. Something can happen, good or bad, and I barely have a reaction to it. My therapist said that when you are going through OCD, you can feel like your losing time because you're lost in your thoughts. So, I take it as you don't realize what's going on around you and time has passed without you being aware that it has. I also forget a lot, maybe because I am in a fugue, nothing state of mind.

[Hidden in reply to SCC1]

I am so sorry to read that, but yes, that is how I feel, Completely disconnected from day to day things, always lost in my thoughts. I feel like I am constantly having to struggle out of a fog.

[SCC1 in reply to Hidden]

A fog is a good way to describe it. I feel like nothing means anything, and as you, I feel disconnected from things. So much so, that my life has no meaning. I sympathize with you.

I think it could also be caused from depression. I've been told I am depressed even though I'm not aware that I am really. I stare into space a lot, which I don't think is from OCD, but it's just to say that's how much of a fog I'm in. It sucks. I am sorry you're going through that. I know it's not a good feeling. xx

[avoidingthebadthings]

I haven't read a description of this symptom that's as well-articulated as you both are describing. I suddenly understand that this is exactly what I'm doing plenty of the time, and what I haven't been able to articulate to my therapist because it's not something I can grasp hold of in a specific way.

Now I understand from you two how to describe it. It's so frustrating. So much time spent doing screen things that aren't important but seem important at the time but yield very little except vague frustration that I was even checking/looking/finding them.

I didn't think it was depression, because I don't feel down. But then again, I'm not feeling anything and that seems to be the way my brain would prefer to feel? I guess it is a way to bind the anxiety that would happen if I stopped looking at the screen. Yikes.

[Hidden in reply to avoidingthebadthings]

I've been using various apps like Cold Turkey to keep me blocked from the internet, and that helps a LOT. I often block websites, especially social media. And you can block the entire internet for hours a day as well. The less time I spend on it, the better I feel. The social media clickclickclick is NUMBING. I realize now it started out for me as a form of control, and reputation management. There is a constant, free floating anxiety about being libeled and slandered, a constant anxiety about being poor, and I realize these anxieties are playing out in overuse of the computer and the trading. I told my therapist I felt numb about it all and yet the more I spoke about it with her, I almost burst into tears. It is a form of helplessness and a desperate need to get on top of that helplessness. And right now, typing this, I feel no strong emotion, but I am doing this at 2 in the morning, so I am being driven to talk about it. The emotion is there somewhere, but the control is tamping it down. It is made 100X worse by social media. It's not just the computer per se. For example, today I turned my impulse into something else: I did some accounting. The accounting went on for almost 2 hours. But it felt productive and that made me feel better. So even though I was on the computer, I did something worthwhile on it. Social media is poison for people like me. It's the slow death of arsenic.

[avoidingthebadthings]

Geez, I can't believe I never thought to just block the internet. When I stay up late like this, I'm mostly thinking "Can't we just go to bed and read an actual book?" And my mind is refusing and keeps coming up with stupid stuff to look at on the internet. Nothing that's of critical importance, but suddenly I'll have to look at credit card statements, or see what department store has the best price on some thing that I really have no need for. It's so frustrating because I just want to go to bed and collapse but my mind makes it miserable and I end up not getting enough sleep. Then I'm wrecked the next day, until the evening. Just in time to stay up late on the internet. That's it. I'm going to get Cold Turkey. Thanks for the suggestion.

[Hidden in reply to avoidingthebadthings]

Cold Turkey WORKS. And you CAN'T turn it off. So if you decided not to go on the internet in the evenings, you set that thing for twelve hours, and that's it. No email, nothing. You can set it so it completely keeps you from using the computer, or you can set it to block websites or groups of websites. I usually only set it to block social media and news sites, because I like to watch Netflix or listen to music on streaming. And one thing you may want to try is Rescue Time. It is an app that will track your computer behaviors. That way you can really see where the time has been going. It's a bit tricky to set up because you have to tell it what to do, but when I started to see right in front of me that I was spending over 100 hours a month on social media, that was a real wake up call. If I put just 20 hours a month into going to the gym, I'd be a lot healthier!

[SCC1 in reply to avoidingthebadthings]

I do the same thing. I can be tired and want to sleep, but instead I go online and also for nothing important. I think it must be a compulsion because we have such an urge to do it despite the after effects like not getting enough sleep. I can stay up a couple or few hours after the time I really wanted to go to bed, but the obsession takes over and I don't.

[Hidden in reply to SCC1]

Absolutely. You may also want to try Freedom. It is much easier to use, and if there is an emergency, you have the option of turning it off, or you can set it so you can't turn it off. It works on computers and phones. Freedom has an option for blocking ALL websites, which is great, because you can still use your computer to write but you can't use it to go on the net while the block is on. I need my laptop for my work, but I often find myself running off to the net while trying to write. Turn on Freedom, set it in locked mode, and you can't cheat. The one thing that has been tripping me up in life most lately is the internet. Social media and news site. Doomscrolling, reputation checking, constantly reading crap I've read 100 times. When I'm among family and friends, I feel relief. I can even work while I'm zooming and talking to friends. But if I am alone with that computer, forget it. I'm clickclickclickclick.

[SCC1 in reply to Hidden]

I really only have 1 website that I check- it's a shopping one. If I'm interested in looking at it, I won't stop til I have looked at almost everything I can that's of interest. But, I know it's a compulsion, because I keep searching for the same type of stuff even though I have probably exhausted all options. It usually just happens at night, so it's not a severe problem, but enough to make me feel bad doing it. My mind gets stuck in that mode and it feels uncomfortable to go through. Thank you for your suggestion!

[Hidden in reply to SCC1]

Cold Turkey can block that website without any way for you to get past the block. You program it, it is done. I have had some websites on block for over a year. Freedom is easier to bypass. It has a locked and unlocked mode, and a program you can download to kill Freedom and wipe it from your computer. If you want to absolutely block a website with no chance of bypass, then Cold Turkey is the way. If you want a little wiggle room, then Freedom is the way. I use both for different management tasks.

[SCC1 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you! I will definitely keep that in mind.

[avoidingthebadthings]

This is all really fascinating as I never talk to my therapist about this internet compulsion stuff, especially in terms of suddenly deciding that I'm going to look at every single available winter jacket on the internet all in one night. I don't even need a winter jacket. But suddenly something like that will pop into my head at 1am and I will go through the website of every department store, reading the descriptions and reviews of every available coat. It's exhausting, but my mind will keep remembering other stores that I haven't tried yet, and I keep pulling up the next site, ad nauseum.

There's no end in sight. And then I have all these reviews in my head that I go to sleep ruminating over... It's just noise for my mind, I guess, to keep me from doing the stuff I really want to be doing. Which I might find out what that is if I got some proper sleep and sat around without going on the internet and got bored and then I would start making art again.

[Hidden in reply to avoidingthebadthings]

I'm a professional media person, which means I work with graphics and writing. I also have to maintain a social media presence as part of my job, managing multiple accounts. For a long time I convinced myself my social media use was a necessary evil. But when I began to monitor just how much time I was spending websurfing and reading social media, I realized I had a problem. Sometimes I would be online for hours every single day, and it was exhausting. After hours of internet, I had no energy to do my job properly, and I found myself completely unable to maintain a clear train of thought. I became forgetful and dull witted and my job performance tanked. Please give social media apps a try. OCD isn't going anywhere. It will always pop up to fool you. I've even gone months and months with little or no symptoms and suddenly out of nowhere, boom, I'm spending 6 hours on the internet per day. The only thing that has ever worked for me is using blocks via apps like Cold Turkey to Freedom. You can set them up so they block for hours a day and only allow you about 15 minutes. 15 minutes for me is the outside limit I can tolerate. I was really having a big relapse recently because I am very stressed. I'm a cancer patient on top of all this. I was really losing it. So I set up the hard core locks again. Today I had one of the best work days I've had in ages. I was able to achieve flow. I was so relieved. I'll be scheduling regular blocks every work day again, and then completely blocking all dangerous for me sites when I'm supposed to be sleeping. I've found if I do this for just a few days in a row, the compulsion begins to wane. If I need to be on social media for my job now, I use third party apps to post and schedule publicity and announcements. I never even go on Twitter anymore. It's a huge relief.

[avoidingthebadthings]

That's so great that you are able to get the surfing under control. It's got to really suck to have cancer and also find yourself frittering away time on stuff you don't want to be doing. Thanks for your advice. So far it's been super helpful.

Even though I do marketing and design, I don't seem to get sucked into social media. Fortunately, it bores the heck out of me, so I just make my Insta tiles, make sure they're posted, and then launch into the doomscrolling elsewhere... So amazing what our different brains latch on to!

[Hidden in reply to avoidingthebadthings]

It sure is. Please, try the apps, I think you'll love them. They have free versions you can try as well. Let me know what you think.

[SCC1 in reply to Hidden]

I took a look at the Freedom one and saw that you had to pay. Would I just google "free internet blocking" or something to find out how to get that? Thank you!

[Hidden in reply to SCC1]

Freedom has a free 7 day trial, so you can give it a go to see if you like it. This website has links. I bought the lifetime membership. juliety.com/freedom-app-review Don't go in for the lifetime plan until they offer a sale. I got mine for half off and it's some of the best money I ever spent. COLD TURKEY has a free plan. I bought the pro plan on that as well and have it on 4 computers. I use it and Freedom at the same time, because on rare occasions, I do need to get past a block and need that option. But I don't usually do it. However, if Cold Turkey is running you CAN'T turn it off. There are ways to get around Freedom in an emergency (such as when I had to do a publicity thing on Facebook which is almost always blocked from my computers). getcoldturkey.com/pricing/ Rescue time is not as effective at blocking websites (it's too easy to bypass, in my opinion) but it's great for time management tracking and it has a free version. If you have complicated projects to manage, it may not be for you, but I'm self employed. It works for me. And I love how it can track individual jobs, such as each individual piece I have open in Photoshop, instead of just telling me I spent 3 hours in Photoshop that day. It has a free version and a free trial. jibble.io/reviews/rescuetime I have the paid version.

[SCC1 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you so much for explaining that! Sometimes I think I just need a break from my phone, in general. Like to not look at it at all. It's a crutch I think, because I feel like I need my phone. If I didn't have it, I would feel like I'm not complete. I know many people feel this way (I think), but I should be doing something more productive. If I had little contact with my phone, I would get more done. Thanks again!