Hello everyone, my name is Brooke and I have had a strong suspicion my whole life I've had OCD. I recently got an official diagnosis about a week ago. I'm scheduled to be put on medication on the 24th.
Ever since I was young, I have picked and ripped the skin off of my lips, Ive told myself my family is going to die if I don't hop 3 steps to the right, and paired with constant hypochondria and being super aware of my bodily functions, convincing me that I am dying at every second of the day. I have a counting obsession that I do at least over 100 times a day, at this point it's subconsciously. Constantly having intrusive thoughts and unwanted mental images in my head.
I struggle most with my hypochondriac tendencies. I've been to doctor's and ERS at least 5 times over the past month and a half, because I'm convinced that my throat is closing up and I'm going to have a heart attack at all times of the day. It's getting to the point where I get scared leaving my bed bc I don't want to trigger health problems by moving around, which is very irrational. my bed is where I feel safe. Anytime I'm not around my bed, all I can think about is getting to my bed. Even as I am typing this, all I can think about in my head is dying, mental images of me laying in a hospital bed as life fades out of me. I am scared and anxious every second of the day, it's been like this for months now and I don't remember a day where I have physically or mentally didn't feel like crap. I'm tired, I'm exhausted, I don't want to live anymore. I just want to feel happy again, not constantly tangled up in checking my heart rate, wondering if my throat is going to close up, being so hyper focused on my body movements. Doctor's have told me that I'm fine repeatively, I have more tests coming in Monday or Tuesday and I might have to get my tonsils removed. Does anyone else experience anything like I do?? Any help, advice or support would be appreciated. Thank you guys
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Bammie
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Hi Brooke! It’s good you finally got a correct diagnosis of OCD. Please follow up with therapy and you should start to reclaim your life back. Best wishes for you.
Thank you!! I'm getting medication on the 24th and my therapy should start sometime this month as well so I'm trying to have high hopes about my situation
Hi Brooke, rest assured that you are not the only one experiencing this. Lots of people have health anxiety fueled by their OCD, and in fact it really doesn't matter what your OCD causes you to worry about. Whether it's obsessing about your health, leaving the stove on, feeling contaminated, getting stuck on philosophical questions, or whatever, the pattern of symptoms and treatment are similar.
It's great that you are starting medication, but I also strongly suggest finding an OCD therapist who can help you do ERP (Exposure and Response Prevention) therapy. [EDIT: I was typing this before reading your response to LuvSun above -- so I'm glad you've got a therapist!] For about two decades I tried to rely on medication alone, and even though it helped take the edge off, I still had periods of excruciating anxiety like you describe. When I started ERP a year and a half ago, I realized how my usual responses to my anxiety had only reinforced the OCD. Now, for the most part, I am in a much better place mentally because I know what makes my OCD stronger and what makes it weaker, and I try to do the latter.
My OCD has focused on a variety of themes over the years, and a few have involved my health. It's sort of a reinforcing loop, because when you start paying attention to your heartbeat or the way your throat feels, all you ever notice is weird things about your heartbeat and the way your throat feels. Then you get anxious, and that makes your heartbeat and throat feel even more weird, because you're having an anxiety attack. The fact that you recognize that your symptoms are irrational is a hallmark of OCD and a good sign that therapy could really help you beat this problem.
Just don't give up. There are many approaches to ERP and it may take a little time to find a way that works for you. People also respond to medication differently, so that sometimes takes a little trial and error to get right. There is a combination of therapy and meds that will work for you, though, and you will get to a point where you feel much better and not afraid all the time.
Ethan Smith is an OCD advocate who had severe (like really, really severe) OCD that completely disabled him with obsessions about his health. He is recovered now and lives a happy and normal life. Here is his keynote speech at an OCD conference; you might find it helpful and inspiring:
Thank you so much for the long and detailed response, I watched the full video and finished it just now and it brought me alot of comfort. The part specifically where he talked about liking being at the hospital because if something went wrong with him he would immediately get help because there are doctor's everywhere resonated with my soul it feels like. Alot of times I will think "okay, if I go out with my friend for a ride around town that means if I have a heart attack he would easily be able to drive me to a hospital" verses when I'm alone in my house all I can think of is "I don't have a car, my roomate isn't here how will I get to a hospital if I need to???" And it causes me to panic and do one of my OCD rituals. I live in Oklahoma in the united states, so I will have to research if there are any available ERP therapists near me, because that would be something I'm interested in trying, definitely. My OCD has been heightened for the past 5 or 6 months because I have tonsil issues right now that cause my throat to feel very strange. And one of my biggest little OCD fears is my throat closing up, so it's been a hard journey, but like the man said in the video, I cant control not having the thoughts themselves, but I can control how I react to them. Thank you for taking the time to respond to me, you are a complete stranger and you helped a person in a great time of need. You have a beautiful soul. I wish u a long and happy life filled with many memories
Hi Brooke! My OCD is different than yours but it sounds like your going through a really rough time. Getting on the right kinds and doses of medication has helped me a lot. Hopefully it will help you too.
I am sorry you are experiencing some bad attacks but there is always hope with Jesus! He defeated death by dying in our place to forgive us of all of our sins and then resurrected from the dead and ascended into heaven to prepare a place for us.
I was once depressed and had suicidal thoughts attacking my mind, but I surrendered to Jesus and asked for his help in prayer and he has changed me forever. And he can for anyone who asks him into their lives and into their hearts.
Of course follow doctors orders for your physical body, but the soul needs Jesus! He will send the Holy Spirit to be with you and protect your soul, so no matter what happens to our bodies in this world, he is our protector.
God, please protect Brooke’s heart and mind in Christ Jesus, Amen!
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