OCD or hiding from myself the fact that I am gay?

[dontletanxietywin]

I’m pretty sure I’m asexual. People look at others and go “omg they’re so hot!” This has never happened to me. I’ve never looked at someone and thought this. I know when I think someone is pretty or handsome but I’m not attracted to them. I don’t know if this is anxiety or being asexual but I think genitalia is gross and I never want to see it.

Now here’s the strange part. I was on insta today scrolling through people’s stories and this girl popped up, and my eyes went straight to her private parts. Automatically I thought, “gay!! deep down I’m probably a lesbian and I’m just hiding it from myself that I am.” Also I use to look at strangers and picture myself kissing them (even though I wasn’t attracted to them?) this would also happen sometimes when I was with my family, and again, I thought I was hiding from myself that I was sexually attracted to my family. As I was on Instagram today I kept imagining myself kissing strangers on the internet and it caused me so much anxiety and annoyance. So what does one do? Google. For hours.

Later, my sister was eating dinner. I didn’t get the image of myself kissing her. Then I kept checking to see if I was going to get the image in my mind again. Because I didn’t the thought originally, I refocused on it and put the thought back into my head 😭 I know I’m suppose to expose myself to the thought. “I may or may not be gay. I may or may not be sexually attracted to my family” but it’s making me so anxious. I feel like I actually am gay and attracted to my family and I’m just trying to find reasons to justify them and to just blame it on pure o instead of admitting it.

[Depresseddoglover]

This is typical HOCD. The thoughts that terrify us or that we feel strange about haunt us. We keep checking them to disprove them or they keep intruding and we try to push them away. I had the exact same symptoms in my teens - with regards to same sex kissing and picturing women naked or intrusive thoughts about family. They are meaningless and don't indicate anything about your inclinations. They are tricks of the mind. When you can learn to co exist with them and get some space from them they lose their power. I know it sounds very difficult, but in hindsight I cannot believe how much those thoughts controlled my life and how insignificant they are now. I also started medication which helped a lot. I am now in my 30's and I consider myself pretty asexual as well. I can go long periods of time without any desire for sex. It hasn't been a problem for me except for in long term relationships when our sex drives were incompatible. I am currently single and it doesn't particularly bother me. In fact I think it's a super power because my libido doesn't drive me to participate in risky behaviour.