groinal response?? struggling

[gloaming]

So i’ve been dealing with groinal response for a few years now, and though it’s always been terrifying, it feels like it’s gotten a lot worse recently, at least in intensity. I seem to be able to move on from it quicker, which alarms me for its own reasons- while i know that aiming for recovery means being able to, yknow, recover- i don’t feel like i should be able to.

I don’t even know with what i’m dealing with now counts as groinal response, honestly. It happens a lot when i’m already thinking of something sexual in nature, either purposely or passively, and then something appalling comes up, and i’ll feel a spike of arousal (??) in response. This is generally, but not always, accompanied by my stomach flipping, throat and chest tightening, hot flashes and an overwhelming sense of doom, like it’s the end of the world and i’ve finally found the proof that i’m everything i’m afraid of. In the moment, underneath it all, it feels like real arousal, and it feels like i’ll never recover from it- but it’s also such a sudden sensory overload that i just feel confused and tired when it’s over, and almost immediately it feels like my brain is trying to block it out or distance itself from what just happened.

i feel like i’m in denial. i feel like i’ve been given proof so many times, and i just choose to ignore it because i don’t want to believe it. i’m worried that if i just let go, i could potentially enjoy the thoughts i’m having. i don’t want to, but what if i could? i’m so tired. i’m trying to get back into therapy, but it’s so expensive. i’ve never been on medication, but maybe it would help.

is this normal? does this even count as a groinal response anymore? Is OCD capable of creating such full-bodied, visceral reactions? I feel like something is breaking inside of me and i’m so afraid of being something vile that i can’t control. any advice would be appreciated <3

[deValentin]

The autonomic nervous system is a control system that acts largely UNCONSCIOUSLY and regulates bodily functions, such as the heart rate, its force of contraction, digestion, respiratory rate, pupillary response, urination, and sexual arousal (Wikipedia). So, in my opinion, there is no reason for feeling responsible for being sexually aroused by some thoughts or external stimuli. “You cannot keep birds from flying over your head but you can keep them from building a nest in your hair.” In other words, you can’t prevent thoughts, feelings, or sensations from randomly popping into your head, but you can choose not to dwell or act on those contrary to your values.

You know that to recover from OCD means to stop giving intrusive thoughts an importance they don’t deserve, and dismiss those that mean nothing. If you do that, they’ll go away on their own. However, you’re alarmed by the fact that you seem to be able to move on from them quicker now. You don’t feel like you should be able to. Maybe it’s because you think that if you play down their significance, you may become a person you don’t want to become. This is possible, but unlikely. On the other hand, if you keep giving them the same significance as you do now, you may condemn yourself to a life of misery. This possibility is highly probable. So, you need to make the best possible choice given the information available at the time, knowing that there is no perfect solution. Not to make a choice is choosing the status quo.

Once you make a choice, conform your life to it unhesitatingly. If you unduly hesitate, your mood will self-degrade and obsessional doubts will creep up again. With good experiences, a healthy self-confidence will slowly return, and intrusive thoughts will leave you reasonably alone.

Everything you’re experiencing now is normal given your state of confusion. However, the mind does self-regulate if given the proper conditions. If you start to regain some control over your life and start to see clearer, you’ll return to normal, not perfect, functioning. It takes some time and efforts though.

[TomFed in reply to deValentin]

"Maybe it’s because you think that if you play down their significance, you may become a person you don’t want to become." I'd just add, if it makes sense, that you can't become something that you are already not meant to become. And for almost of us OCDers it is quite healthy to be a little bit of arsehole sometimes. Just for the sake of practice. I doubt that with our sensitivity to outside world as well as withing, any of us can ever become real arseholes

Having said that, during my healing journey I have also gone through the days before when I felt I wasn't worth to heal from it. What I discovered it is two things or three. Most of us have had OCD for quite a long time before we come into treatment. So first, it is a habit that is so hard to let go as these OCD thinking patterns become so engraved into our brain. So in a sense, if part of you feels like not wanting or being able to let it go, it is the same OCD playing tricks on you. Another thing is that all of us OCDers lack the ability to love ourselves, so any decent self compassion (can be meditation) practice is a great tool to foster our healing. Loving yourself is the answer. Only if you really learn to love yourself, you can genuinely love others.

[PaperTigers]

You can't become something that's not in your nature, people with harm OCD don't become serial killers, it's not in them and this fear of yours is the same way. I'm still trying to understand my own OCD and I get the fear and dread that comes with it. The fact that you find these things appalling indicates that it's contrary to who you are so I hope someone here can put your mind at ease or at least point you in the right direction to improve your circumstances.

[deValentin in reply to PaperTigers]

You're right. People with harm OCD don't become serial killers. However, you could be the exception (that's the way a mind with OCD thinks). It's why part of the OCD recovery is to learn to accept a reasonable degree of uncertainty in life. If I generally give myself good reasons to be self-confident, it's easier to content myself with those reasons, and vice versa (virtuous cycle).

[Natureloverpeace]

There is an OCD Specialist who is one of two OCD Specialists on the IOCDF Ask the Experts livestream. One of her OCD themes involves the fear of inappropriately touching her children. She knows she’s not going to do that because she knows herself enough, trusts herself enough, and it goes against her values. While there isn’t absolute certainty that she wouldn’t do it because absolute certainty doesn’t exist, she is confident she won’t act against her values.