Pure OCD

[ajua]

Does anyone suffer from sexual thoughts that makes you thing that you are gay if yes, can you plase share what kind of ERP have had? Also how can you know if you really are or not?

[youn]

brooooooo about time i thought i was the only one i dont want to be gay but these thoughts have been killing me and i want them to stop i was never like this it just cane all of a sudden

[cambridgeborn]

Yes, this is HOCD (homosexual ocd), and this has been the main theme of my ocd for many years. It first activated when I was 17; a controlling boyfriend (I'm female) accused me of spending too much time with my best girlfriend, with the insinuation I was more attracted to her than to him. When he suggested that, the ocd was born and I became plagued with fear that maybe he was right. I was (and am) definitely not lesbian but the thought took root in my brain and over time I developed full blown ocd. This sexual obsession remained unidentified as ocd and, therefore, untreated for several decades. My life was pure hell (Is that why they call it Pure O?!) I could not even say the word lesbian or read or view anything with a lesbian theme for fear it would reveal my 'true identity'. My ocd was triggered anytime I was in the company of other females (even my sisters and mother!). I built a wall around myself emotionally and socially and felt most safe from my fears when I was entirely alone where I could completely control my environment to exclude any triggers. It was awful!!!

When I finally got connected to a therapist who specialized in these types of obsessions I had to practice ERP (exposure response prevention) --- which meant inviting the thoughts, entertaining them as probabilities and even stating allowed that I just might be a lesbian. I had to keep doing this until the thoughts were no longer a threat and they lost their power to frighten me. Facing my fear and neutralizing it was the only thing that worked. Avoidance keeps the fear alive. It's like making friends with your enemy; after awhile, he or she is no longer your enemy, just someone you used to know. My hocd thoughts still spike sometimes, especially when I'm tired or stressed, but I know enough now to just acknowledge the thought, then let it go. Seeking reassurance simply prolongs the agony. I know I'm not lesbian so I simply dismiss the thought. Hope this helps. Sheila

[youn in reply to cambridgeborn]

u just described what im going through and btw im 17 these thoughts came out of nowhere idk y but ever since they have been bugging me and like u said im afraid to be in the company of guys and even my dad and i dont want to be gay ive always liked girls but these thoughts are becoming to take over me and making me depressed i start to cry sometimes because i want to be normal

[cambridgeborn in reply to youn]

Please seek out a counsellor who understands hocd. If it would help, make a copy of my description of my illness and show it to your therapist and tell him or her that that is how you feel too. Hocd is a mental illness, my friend. You absolutely must address it. ERP does work. Take care. Sheila

[youn in reply to cambridgeborn]

thanks i am seeing a therapist soon and i will make sure i tell them what im going though but i have a question did u ever bring this up to ur parents and if so what did u tell them

[cambridgeborn in reply to youn]

Sharing your distress with your parents could be very helpful to you. Your mom and dad love you and would be horrified to know that you are suffering so much with these intrusive thoughts. It might be helpful to them to provide them with some information about hocd so that they have some context within which to understand your distress. Sharing your burden and getting family support could be a huge relief for you.

As for my family, I knew instinctively that they were unable to assist me at that time of my distress. My dad was an alcoholic and my mom was too wrapped up in her own marital difficulties to be of assistance to me. Unfortunately, I was all alone to figure it out on my own and I was distressed to the max most of the time. Historically and culturally (it was the 1960's), homosexuality was still a 'crime' in Canada and discrimination was rampant. Therefore, it was unthinkable of me to discuss these intrusive thoughts with anyone! You can imagine how frightened I was; my parents would never have understood. I honestly don't know how I managed to keep it all together all those years ago --- but by the grace of God, I continued to seek out ways to cope as best I could.

Young people today (yourself included) can be so much more open about discussing, not only homosexuality, but mental illness in general. Your parents probably know already that something is bothering you, and they may want to help. Do let them in to your private hell so that they can assist you in getting the professional help you need. Hug your dad and let his love for you give you courage. Take care. Sheila

[youn in reply to cambridgeborn]

thanks and im surprised that u were able to keep it to yourself all these years i just barely started getting these thoughts and i already cant handle them

[youn in reply to cambridgeborn]

Cambridgeborn did u have images that went with your hocd as well because i recently starting getting images with my thoughts and the images wont let me do anything idk y they started popping in my head but i dont want them too and i cant even sleep no more because everytime i close my eyes they pop in my head and i get very anxious and start to feel depressed

[cambridgeborn in reply to youn]

Hello, again, youn. When you reach out to supportive members on this site you are taking care of yourself, and that is a very positive step to take...

You are asking about my experience with having had hocd images as well as thoughts; yes, the two do go hand in hand, particularly since hocd is a sexual obsession and so much related to sex is, in fact, visual. When my symptoms were acute I had difficulty with persistent unwanted images of female genitalia. These obsessional images would terrify me; I could not understand why my brain would conjure up these unwanted images, accompanied by groinal anxiety (an uncomfortable feeling in my groin).

In my particular case, I believe I was struggling with two forms of ocd at the same time. You see, I also had religious obsessions stemming from my very strict religious training. My religion had taught me that all things related to sexuality were sinful and I was a very scrupulous young person; I tried very hard to avoid "sin" at all costs because I was taught that sin leads to hell. Unfortunately, I had been quite brainwashed and the ensuing anxiety translated into a full blown case of OCD!

So, it was not surprising (in retrospect) that my ocd took on a sexual obsessional theme (HOCD) . OCD attaches where we are most vulnerable. Due to my faulty belief that the female body is a source of great sinfulness I developed enormous anxiety about female sexuality. It was quite debilitating because I had to literally detach from my own sexual self in order to feel 'safe'. You can well imagine the mental stress I endured as a young woman. I had absolutely no one to share any of this trauma with and I hobbled along as best as I could.

So, in answer to your question about sexual images --- yes, the bullying HOCD bombarded me with unwanted images, evermore convincing me that I must be a lesbian (which I'm not). Sometimes, even today, with my symptoms mostly in remission, the HOCD throws in those nasty, intrusive thoughts and images. But, today, I know that symptoms of my illness do not define who I am. I simply recognize the thought or the image as a remnant of my HOCD and I unceremoniously let it go. I compare those thoughts and images to waves in an ocean; they rise up to be noticed, then they crash down into the larger body of water where they resume an insignificant status.

Talk to your therapist about your HOCD intrusive images. Practice your Exposure Response Prevention (ERP). When you take positive action to help yourself you will begin to feel empowered.

[youn in reply to cambridgeborn]

thank you im currently getting these images and its becoming overwhelming they make me feel down. you also mentioned gronial i also did experience it but it seemed to kind of go away but now its just these unwanted thoughts and images that keep bothering me. i also related to your comparison of the thoughts and images as waves an in ocean for instance this morning i woke up and felt great i didnt have any thoughts or images it was like i was normal again but later on they just seemed to hit me stronger and this seems to happens quite a lot now.

[youn in reply to cambridgeborn]

Hi cambridgeborn im sorry that i have so many questions its just that i cant take this no more my thought are becoming so real for example i felt like i was relaxing after a mental breakdown and my thought just said what if u actually are gay and lying to yourself and i felt wierd and im crying because i dont want to be gay but my head is telling me that i am and i feel so wierd and it feels so real now did u experience this. i feel so overwhelmed that i feel like i cant go another day feeling like this its just taking over me i cry every single night and i feel like its getting worse. i feel like i cant go back to normal ever and im going to be stuck with this forever. Im getting urges now with my instrusive thoughts that are telling me to do stuff i dont want.

[cambridgeborn in reply to youn]

My dear young man, you seem to be in a crisis position right now. Please consider getting some immediate medical assistance; you cannot--must not-- continue dealing with this level of stress on your own. Please alert your parents immediately.

I am not a medical specialist, but I do believe you may need medication and therapeutic intervention to help you through this. Please let me know when you have sought help with your distress. I really do care. Sheila

[youn in reply to cambridgeborn]

i am doing better thanks it just hit me really hard and i guess i had a anxiety attack i actually feel better but my heads still telling me im gay im scared because its like my head is accepting the thoughts but i dont want to u see what i mean i dont know what to believe no more deep down i know i dont want to he gay but my heads just like telling me all this.

[youn in reply to cambridgeborn]

one more question can ur ocd feed on ur reasurance because i saw a post where it said that if u were in denial u would think about what people would think about u and i didnt think this way i just dont want to be gay at all but i feel like my ocd is making me think im in denial now

[cambridgeborn in reply to youn]

Perhaps it's time to open up to a youth counselor who specializes in sexual health. Transitioning into sexual maturity during teen years can be enormously difficult for everyone; those of us with OCD are doubly challenged.

You do not have to navigate through these choppy waters alone. There are some wonderful resources available in your community; it's important for you to get informed about your options, make an appointment with a counselor and start a genuine path of recovery towards good mental health.

Having online support is beneficial, but real life happens in face-to-face encounters with other people. You need a flesh and blood ally who will meet with you in person to talk with you while you share your fears and anxieties about all types of issues related to sexuality, including homosexuality.

It's quite possible that your fear of homosexuality may be rooted in a past traumatic event. If that is the case, then you will need to process what happened with a caring, supportive counselor. Youth counselors do not judge; they offer support and information. No subject is taboo.

HOCD is traumatic in and of itself; your recent anxiety/panic attack is a siren call to get some assistance. I cannot emphasize this enough. Google for resources in your community or visit your high school guidance office for some brochures. Then pick up your phone and make an appointment or attend a walk-in clinic. Just do it! Sheila

[youn in reply to cambridgeborn]

i will thanks its just that theres times i feel good and im like nah i dont need help but it than comes back to me but i will get help because rn im just fearing that it will flare up again and im going to have so many thoughts and stuff. I want to tell my parents but i dont know how im going to explain it to them they speak spanish and i wouldnt know how to explain this to them as i dont speak spanish well i can speak it but theres some stuff im not sure ill be able to translate.

[cambridgeborn in reply to youn]

If you choose a Spanish speaking counselor he or she could assist with the translation; or, an English-speaking counselor can ask a Spanish-speaking colleague to help communicate with your parents.

Distress is a universal language, and you can be sure your parents are seeing your distress; they are probably waiting for you to open up the conversation so that they can help you. Remember, your parents were teenagers once, too.

Your parents do not need initially to know the exact nature of your distress, they just need to know that you are struggling with emotional pain and that you may need their help to connect you up with a youth counselor. I know you can communicate that much to them.

Perhaps you could bring a print-out of our online conversation to your first appointment with your counselor; this will assist him or her to know where to start with helping you. Seeking help takes great courage; "we are only as sick as the secrets we keep". Be brave, my young friend. Sheila

[youn in reply to cambridgeborn]

thanks again sheila and yes my parents have noticed my distress they ask me whats wrong but i dont know how to tell them whats wrong so i just tell them nothing. I am gonna take ur advice and get someone to help me trasnslate to them. Tomorrow im seeing a therapist. I dont know how im going to start and bring this topic up because i dont know if she/he would understand the topic of hocd and would think im delusional.

[cambridgeborn in reply to youn]

It is wonderful news that you will see a therapist tomorrow. You may ask your therapist directly if he/she has experience with OCD, and specifically with HOCD. Perhaps you could bring some notes along with information you have found on the internet; this could kickstart the conversation about HOCD.

Be open and honest and frank with your therapist. You have been carrying your burden of distress for too long on your own. Finally, you can share the weight of your heavy load.

Humans are never intended to suffer alone. Isolation and fear only serve to multiply our suffering. You have taken a very important step towards your recovery from HOCD. I congratulate your bravery. All the best tomorrow at your appointment. Sheila

[youn in reply to cambridgeborn]

thanks sheila but i got something again i cant seem to stop crying i dont know whats wrong its like my heads telling me i cant evee be normal and i cant have a future

[youn in reply to cambridgeborn]

sometimes i blame myself for making its worse

[cambridgeborn in reply to youn]

Perhaps you are concerned about tomorrow's therapy session; that is normal. Can you share your current distress with your parents? It sounds like you could really use some support right now.

[youn in reply to cambridgeborn]

theyre working perhaps its also one of my reasons i dont want to tell them because they work a lot to support my family and i dont want them to have to stop because of me.

[cambridgeborn in reply to youn]

You are a very considerate son and your parents are very lucky. However, your mental health is of utmost importance and you do need some help right now. Allow your parents the opportunity to know about your distress. Caring adults know how to set their priorities, and their children are always their first priority. Trust them to sort out their work schedules while also helping you. That's what parents do.

[youn in reply to cambridgeborn]

i am going to talk to them today forsure i cant keep going on like this i dont want too its unberable.

[youn in reply to cambridgeborn]

i told my parents and my family i took a weight off of me.

[cambridgeborn in reply to youn]

You are so very, very brave. Well done! God bless.

[youn in reply to cambridgeborn]

Did u ever have urges or went through some because ive been recently getting urges that i dont want to do but my heads urging me to do. I am going to tell this to my therapist but she called in sick today so i have to wait a week now. Just wanted to know if u ever went through this.

[aadak18]

I don't have that particular obsessive thought, but I do have plenty others, so let me suggest that with OCD, I have found it to be immensely helpful to remind myself that all obsessive thoughts are the same mental process. The specific content of the thought may be different, but fundamentally an OCD thought is an OCD thought. Are you in ERP therapy right now?

[Mumofhocd]

Hi ajua and youn, I'm so sorry to hear you're both going through this and especially that you're going through it alone... but as others here have showed, you're definitely not alone and this is surprisingly common. I'm on this forum as a parent - my son (18) has this exact form of OCD. He doesn't come on this forum unfortunately because he's doing really well and is nervous that reading too much about other people's OCD might trigger him - but he found this forum really useful when he was at the stage you're at now. My key advice to you (and I know it would be his too) - aside from tell your parents - is find a therapist who specialises in OCD and is experienced with ERP therapy. That was a gamechanger for my son, along with using meditation and cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT) techniques. He's not on any medication though I know many people find the combo of medication and therapy helpful too. His therapist was keen to try just the therapy first to see how he went, and he is doing really well. He was diagnosed in November last year so you can see it doesn't have to take years. It does take work though - but he was really motivated to get better, as you obviously are too, and he did all the things he knew he needed to do. It's great that you've found this forum and have already identified that you have OCD - unlike so many poor people on here who struggled siliently for years not knowing what it was and unable to tell anyone :(. Youn, you say you've been crying, my son cried in my arms many times when he was first going through this, it broke my heart and we both worried he was never going to feel 'himself' again: we worried this was the new 'normal'. But I'm pleased to say although he still gets the thoughts, they don't overwhelm him the way they did back then, and as others have said above, he's able to seee them for what they are: just thoughts, and then to move on. This is something you have to learn how to do (even though it sounds simple!) with therapy, so I really strongly urge you to talk to your parents and try to find a therapist who specialises in this area. Google is great for that, or phone and ask them. All the best, please let us know how you're getting on xx

[youn in reply to Mumofhocd]

Sorry im responding after 2 months its just that i’ve been doing great for a while now and you where right after i told my parents i had there full support and they where quick to get me help and it helped me out a lot and it turns out i have ocd and im getting therapy for it especially erp i hope it does the job because i can feel the symptoms slowly coming back and ive been feeling sad and needing to cry too again and i dont want to be in this state because when i was doing well i was able to do lots of fun stuff with my family and friends and felt almost normal again not fully normal because i still had some thoughts and images there and there but it didnt affect me much but now that its coming back its taking on new fears and im always in a panicked and axious state. Hows your son doing now by the way does he feel this way sometimes or does he know how to deal with it?

[Mumofhocd in reply to youn]

Hi Youn, I'm so glad to hear that you were able to tell your parents and gt help, but sorry to hear the thoughts are bothering you again. That's (unfrotunately) completely normal and doesn't mean they are back to stay - I'm no expert at all but from what I've read on this forum and online, it's a very common experience, that people who get good therapy (and in some cases medication as well) will have periods where they're great and then periods where they're triggered or for some reason their OCD raises its head. That has definitely been my son's experience. He's gone off to a hall of residence at university this year (since February) which we had thought he'd never manage after he got OCD - and has absolutely loved it. His OCD still flares up from time to time, and in fact in the last couple of weeks it has gotten worse - he thinks probably because he's had to stay in his room studying instead of out doing the things that help him keep the OCD under control (hanging out with friends, getting out and maybe playing the odd social basketball game etc). But at least now he knows that it will (hopefully) pass like it has before, especially once he's able to get back into doing those things again, and get more regular with the meditation (which I suspect he hasn't been quite so careful about lately). Sorry for the long reply... After his exam tomorrow I'll ask him how he's going and let you know if he has any particular advice or anything that helps him. In the meantime, well done to you for all the brave steps you've taken. Also, have you told your therapist you're feeling this way? You need to be really clear about how anxious you're feeling about this.

[youn in reply to Mumofhocd]

Thanks and no i haven’t told my therapist it just started to come back all of a sudden but before that i was doing fine so i told her ive been doing good but to be honest i dont feel good about telling her because shes shown me steps of what to do when i feel down but they dont seem to work so if she asks me if ive done them i dont know what im going to tell her and this is the same reason i havent told my parents because they have been on me on why i dont do them and they start to tell me how i want to get better if i dont do what the therapist has told me.