OCD and maintaining a career

[Zrex]

New here and from Virginia, USA, Desert Storm veteran living with OCD and PTSD that presented themselves in my adult life after the war.

Although I knew in 1991 that something wasn’t right, I was managing to have a successful life other than my relationships which I have always had trouble maintaining- even with family. I sought help but didn’t really know for what. Lost interest and feeling hopeless which began after my experience during the war was all I could say at the time.

From that point to 2017 any treatment I got was from my primary care (private insurance) doctor who gave me Trazadone which didn’t help my recurring thoughts but did work great for my sleep problems... But in spite of this I managed to slug it out and pressed on to have a successful career although I always seemed to succeed while at the same time making a lot of enemies along the way. My personal relationships were also a mess.

As of 2017, I am on my 4th marriage; have no social life; stay mostly at home; have held multiple careers, including IT Engineer, Network Engineer, Cybersecurity professional, technical trainer, etc.; have been fired from jobs; fought with my managers frequently; and reached a point where my life was just out of control and I couldn’t live with myself any longer.

I’m 2017, I thought I had found some hope when the Veterans Administration finally began treating me. I was also at the time receiving weekly CBT with a private therapist but now also had a VA psychiatrist and therapist that I see regularly. All sounding good, right? My life got much worse!

I am employed by the Department of Defense as a civilian. The same department I served on active duty during the war. So when it was determined that my medical care would require weekly therapy and monthly doctor appointments, not to mention having to deal with the worsening symptoms(due to exhaustion from no treatment over 25 years) and side effects of new medications, I was naive enough to believe that my employer might be a little understanding of my needs and allow me whatever accommodations I needed, but that is not what happened.

Although I can say that I am at least “stable” on my current meds and I did eventually manage to get the accommodations from work that I needed, the fight it took to get there has me now applying for disability retirement at the age of 56 because I simply cannot keep up with the demands required of me any longer.

I feel constantly dizzy on the medications I take so much so that I do not even bother to take my anti-anxiety meds. Just my Fluvoxamine for OCD, Trazadone for sleep, and Nexium for my tummy. All of which have know. Side effects of dizziness, blurred vision, increased risk of falling, warnings about operating motor vehicles, etc. For years I have complained to my doctors and employer that, despite the fact that I have no fear of driving or riding anything, that I constantly battle a swimming head, nausea, and blurred vision- particularly in the mornings but often all day long.

I am told that over time I may “get used to it.” But so far I don’t see any room for fitting any anti-Anxiety meds into my regimen of OCD and sleep medications that, while they are working effectively- have me teetering and tottering like an invalid at times while my brain is still going at light speed...

This is why I began writing this piece... I just want to rest. Not only rest for my body- but to rest my mind! To not have to worry for once about my job, punching a time card, following some stupid process or broken policy or some other thing in my life that just really doesn’t matter... I just want to find happiness and myself again and do let feel that I have room any longer for the rest of the BS in life.

I’ve wondered how others who cope with OCD and PTSD manage? I know some work, but all I’ve met have struggled too. Others have given up or are in situations where they don’t need to worry about their next paycheck... But I have decided that although I can and want to keep working at something, I’m no longer going to live me life for it. Now I just need to figure out a way to keep my home and not destroy all I’ve worked for in life to do it! Welcome to OCD!

[Kaiser18]

Sorry to hear about your situation. One thing I have heard time and again is that when people retire, they find they have a lot of time they have to fill. So would be good to think about how you will spend your days if you do retire—hobbies, community service, etc

[Zrex in reply to Kaiser18]

I agree and share the concern. But in my situation I need to be relieved of the every day anxiety I experience in the environment I work in. I intend to retire from it but then work at something I can enjoy without all that so I can focus on my health for once instead of work. I have a ton of hobbies and interests that will keep me occupied while I focus on more important things.

[BookwormMo]

Hi Zrex, I may not have any helpful advice. (I am here because my daughter has severe OCD so, while I have a mental illness too, I don't have PTSD or OCD). I just wanted to let you know I'm listening. The way the VA and Defense Department have treated you is appalling.

Which of the drugs is causing these side effects (dizziness, nausea, etc.)? Fluvoxamine? You shouldn't have to live with those side effects. (Unfortunately, there is a lot of trial and error in psychiatry. In my opinion, any doctor who tells you otherwise is lying. :-))

I suggest that you talk to your psychiatrist about this and ask him or her to substitute a different medication. The good thing about SSRIs is that there are many of them available now. I used to take Fluvoxamine, but it stopped working, so my psychiatric nurse practitioner switched to Venlafaxine, along with Klonopin (a relatively non-addictive sedative) to help manage my anxiety and to help me sleep. It improved my life immeasurably.

Wishing you the best...

"Elizabeth" (not my real name)

[Zrex in reply to BookwormMo]

I have regular conversations with my doctors, therapists, family and employer about the side effects and symptoms. When I first acknowledged I had these disabilities I decided to be candid and open- which turned out to be not so good an idea... the problem is that Fluvoxamine is working better than anything else I’ve tried. And the road to stabilize on any of these meds can be more disrupting than the symptoms as they’ve had me in and out of ER’s.

[BookwormMo in reply to Zrex]

I'm sorry, Of course you've communicated with your doctors and considered your options. You didn't need me to tell you that. I am sorry your side effects are so awful. And I hope your retirement comes through.

[HELLNOCD]

Hey, Zrex, I’m here for you! Personally, I have severe OCD and I have some post traumatic stress, but more from life events and I’m sure it is nothing compared to your comorbidity. That being said, I know that ERP has helped me with both, and with regards to PTSD I know that they do a type of exposure therapy specific to it... I believe it’s called PET (prolonged exposure therapy) or something like that. I believe it’s a slightly different approach than with ERP, but my extensive experience with ERP and minimal experience with dealing with my post traumatic stress is why I offer these suggestions. Also, I used to use Klonopin, but I’ve switched to Gabapentin, and it was a fairly easy switch to add to my mes regimen and didn’t interfere with my SSRI... hit me up if you need an ear, my life has eroded too, so I empathize with your situation though it is different I can relate. Best wishes, cheers!