Just need to vent and someone to listen

[Lululemon46]

Without going into too much detail, I come from an extremely toxic family and I've not had any contact with my mum and sister for 5 years to protect my mental health - below is just ONE of the reasons why.

My days to trying for a family of my own are over now, I'm 47 years old and am perimenopausal, my fertility journey was many years ago and was terrible and one of the worst times of my life. Something has recently happened which has caused all the emotions to resurface.

Many years ago my husband and I decided the time was right to start our own family. We didn't tell anyone within my family at first, then after a year of TTC with no luck we started down the road of fertility treatment which is when I told my family. My sister has always wanted to be the centre of attention and have since later realised she is a narcissist, my mother is her enabler. Not long after I told my family we were going down the fertility treatment route she then decided that she wanted to try for a family with her husband - which was a bit of a surprise but fair enough.

She managed to get pregnant within a couple of months. I was in the middle of taking clomid, it made me feel dreadful- anxious, emotional, nauseous, debilitating headaches and the biggest boils on my face! I was open with my family about how I was struggling with the treatment. When she rang to tell me she was pregnant, I congratulated her and said I was really happy for her, however I had to cut the conversation short as understandably was just a bit upset for myself and my husband. I just needed to get my head around it overnight, then I would have been fine. However my sister then started ignoring me saying I wasn't happy for her. I had my mum on the phone having a go at me. I tried to explain how I felt but as usual it was all about my sister and as usual my sister is the victim and mum always takes her side. She and my mum made it quite difficult for me over the next few weeks which added a lot to my stress levels. She eventually brought herself to speak to me after a few weeks but I soon realized this was because she just wanted to moan. For the rest of her long pregnancy all I got when I saw my sister was how hard her pregnancy was, she faked bleeding episodes so she could go for scans early (my mum let it slip that she hadn't been bleeding). It was absolute torture if I'm honest throughout her pregnancy. Meanwhile no-one was bothered about how I was feeling or even realised how insensitive they were being.

My nephew came, the drama didn't stop there. She was then going round telling people that he was premature (he wasn't he was two weeks early which is normal!)

By the time he was around 11 months old I adored him, both myself and my hubby spent loads of time with him as my mum used to have him all weekend and sometimes through the week she lived locally so we would bob down and see him and spend time with him.

By this time I was starting an IVF cycle. This was an emotional rollercoaster, my body want responding to the drugs to produce follicles and the Docs were on the verge of pulling the cycle, they upped the drugs one last time and managed to get some follicles. Unfortunately there were only able to harvest 3 eggs and only one embryo developed so we didn't have any embryos to store. The IVF cycle was unsuccessful as two weeks later there was no positive pregnancy test.

Anyway fast forward a bit and it was time for my nephew to be christened. My sister asked our Aunt and Uncle to be Godparents and their next door neighbours (who they fell out with and moved away from not long after). No thoughts to me and hubby. My parents didn't even blink an eye or voice that this wasn't right.

There's been loads of other stuff that's gone on over the years thats basically slapped me in the face and my sister has fallen out with me a few times for petty little things mainly because she didn't get her own way over something. Each time this has happened access to my nephew has been pulled, presents I've sent him threatened to be returned (they never were!) My parents still don't bat an eyelid. My mother sides with her all the time, and has even sent me threatening letters saying she doesn't want to see me, I'm not allowed to go to mums house to see her if my nephew is there etc etc!

Fast forward to now, final straw with my relationship with my sister and mother. My sister fell out with me for being unable to go out for a meal for her husband's birthday when she had not even confirmed a date with us, in fact she was undecided as if she was planning to go out for a meal at all as there were lay offs expected at her work! We'd made other plans, couldn't change them as they had already been changed twice. This resulted in her not talking to me, then as her MO this tricked down into my mum distancing herself from me, then a letter from mum letters being sent saying that doesn't want to see me. I've had years of this enough is enough so I basically left them to it and moved away.

Sorry for the long post - I'm feeling sorry for myself as something has happened this week which has triggered me and left me feeling disadvantaged because I haven't got children. It hurts because someone who should know better has made me feel this way.

I needed to vent!

Thanks for reading 💝 xx

[anonBristol]

Really sorry to hear your story of your family's mind boggling bias and lack of consideration. No wonder you needed to vent. Isn't it weird how dynamics like that can develop and be so invisible to the perpetrators. I hope you have a great support network of friends and remember your great strength, even if your family don't recognise it xx

[Freedom_Unity_Love Volunteer]

Dear friend,

It's good that you were able to get your feelings down, and hopefully it has created a shift in how you are feeling.

Perhaps the benefit of not having those family members in your life will prove to be the best decision you have made. As long as you have no regrets, and feel you are happier without having a relationship with them, then you must do what is best for you.

As you undoubtedly will know from experience; hurt people, hurt people. I too, had a difficult relationship with my mother whilst she was alive. It wasn't until she died that I came to a greater understanding of who she was, and why she behaved in the way she did. A book that was particularly helpful was The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, and also The Work by Byron Katie, which you can access via her website.

Once I healed those wounds, forgave her (and my absent father), and most importantly myself, I no longer had the story of a failed relationship with my parents.

May you be happy, may you be well, may you be free from suffering.

Kindest regards, K

[Capri93]

Hey girl.

Well that was difficult to read. Firstly because I think I understand but only because your post highlighted a few things that has happened to me and I've brushed over it.

Family are a weird dynamic, I often ask myself... if we was not related would I even like you? For a lot of my relatives the answer is most certainly not.

I had a miscarriage and on the day of my surgery I had a cousin come to my home to announce her pregnancy, the baby did not come until the following year... not 9 months but like 13. I then looked after that child while she went to work and helped to keep them safe and fed... I also was not baby's god mother but my distant sister was.

I found out a few years back that I don't get invited to any of my family's children's parties, because I don't have children of my own and have been feeling a little in despair.

I'm a day after ET and have not spoken to them for 6 weeks and I feel AMAZING.

I have my good friends and cery few relatives around me.

Yes you may be against the clock, but maybe refresh your mind and look into surrogacy or adoption, you seem to have a lot of love to give (after all you did for your nephew) and adopted children need to receive love.

Everything happens for a reason. But if I could I'd say #@£% your family, they are absolutely out of order.

[Lululemon46 in reply to Capri93]

Thank you for your kind words. I'm sorry you have been having problems with your family too. Xxx