So much anger!

[Otherhood]

Hi,

I haven’t felt the need to come on here but have really been struggling with anger this week. My husband and I made the decision to stop fertility treatments 3 years ago, it’s been so hard at times, initially I felt so low, my family have been horrible, my husband and I drifted apart and I thought our marriage might end. The last 9 months however have been good, we had marriage counselling, I’ve been seeing the positives of our situation for the first time, have been trying new things, meeting new people and have felt excited about building our lives without children.

Then someone announced they were pregnant at work! I have experienced this many times before, so I’m not sure why this one is affecting me, but I feel so angry. So angry that my colleagues make such a big song and dance about it, that it dominates every conversation, that someone else I have developed a relationship with is off to the land of motherhood never to return, that I care! Then to top it off I’d asked for some study leave to do a course, part of the reason my manager says no is because my colleague is going on maternity leave! So someone can have a year of maternity leave, most of which paid in some way but I can’t have just over two weeks study leave!

So god damn angry!!!!!!

[MinMin]

Sorry you're having a tough time right now x it sounds like you've done really well at getting this far though and you've shown real resilience in trying new things and making plans with your husband. I've been through the mill with my marriage and thought many times it was over. He wouldn't agree to counselling though and we're still in separate rooms. You've done brilliantly to stick together and that's important.

Sadly as much as we battle on ok for many months sometimes the feelings of jealousy, anger and pain creep back and get us. I found announcements at work a painful thing- in fact I gave up full time work for a long while following our ivf as I couldn't have coped with it. I started back 4 weeks ago and literally on day 2 there was an announcement from a girl on my team! I found I just had to keep quiet and drown out the baby chat. I realised how far I'd come when I managed to have a chat with her and explained my situation calmly and without crying. It helped me move forward to hear her reaction and she told me that another guy on the team had been through ivf with is wife.

Keep pushing on, but don't ignore your feelings. Well done for coming on here to vent

Important to remember you're not alone in this x

[Otherhood]

Thanks MinMin, it was good to come on here and rant. I definitely felt better after writing it down, I find it hard to talk about it with my husband as I know it makes him feel guilty.

You are right, moving on is not going to be a straight path, I guess I need to accept some falls along the way. Well done for going back to work, I completely get why you needed a break, what a kick in the face on your second day! You did well open to up to her, I have told some people at work, I get the feeling they don’t really believe me that it’s impossible for us to have a baby (of our own) though. X

[wendyWaz]

Hi Otherhood, your last comment about getting time off work is something I feel a bit strong about. I feel we should also get paid time off, after all is not our fault we're not able to get maternity leave. I would like time off to spend time with with my mother who is now terminally ill. It would be nice to spend time with her while she is still ok-ish, then look after when she needs it. I will have to use holiday and unpaid leave. Perhaps it's jealousy but it's not fair.

Just because your collegue will be on maternity leave shouldn't stop you taking time out. We need our rights to!

[Otherhood in reply to wendyWaz]

Definitely, I fully support maternity leave but why is having a baby the only thing given that value. I notice that my work now give paid leave for fertility treatment which is a step forward, I had to take annual leave or make the time up when I had mine years ago. Just adds to the feeling that those who can procreate have more ‘worthiness’ than those who can’t. I’m sorry to hear your mum is ill and you don’t get the support to spend time with her. There should be some sort of special leave, after all we’ll probably contribute more tax etc than a mother surely we’ve earned it! X