Coming to terms

[Missyf73]

Hi, I'm 44 years old and have been trying for a baby for the 1st time with my partner. We have been together for almost 2 years. Trying for a baby later in life was not a choice more a matter of circumstance as I was single for a long time.

I am at the point after almost a year of trying that I may need to come to terms with a life without a child. Recent results from the doctors have shown that my progesterone levels are low & over the past few months I have been experiencing signs of the menopause. The thought of putting myself through infertility treatments at almost 45 years old scares me to death. I feel at a crossroads and I am putting myself through daily turmoil worrying about this 😟 I work with children which is making this situation even harder to deal with.

I was so relieved to discover this site, my friends and family are being really supportive but I know it's difficult for them to understand how I feel. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. 😊Xx

[SuWu]

Hi There, I too am at the start of coming to terms with it. And, i dont know where to start! I think its like grief where you go through the stages but how long these take is individual. And then theres the insensitive comments from people to deal with - i'll be telling them i cant conceive, tried desperately and now hate life cause of it! Advice wise i think keep chatting here and get it off your chest initially?

[Missyf73]

Thanks very much for your reply, I feel the same, I have nieces & nephews who I love like my own children, I keep trying to tell myself to be thankful for that & I manage to convince myself for a few days then like a big wave the sadness hits me. I think in time it should get better but it can be hard to be optimistic when you feel overwhelmed with sadness. I take comfort in knowing how I'm feeling is perfectly normal and you're right it really helps to chat with people who understand how you feel.

[SuWu in reply to Missyf73]

Yes it is a very lonely feeling and i wonder why i feel like i'm the only one in the world and what ever people say it doesnt help! I did read someone say they felt like a lesser person cause they couldnt have children, but i dont get that feeling. I still think im a good person etc I just feel said for myself that i cant have a baby when my body wants one constantly. I'm going to look into hypnotherapy to see if i can switch the longing feelings off, as then if i dont want what is constantly thrown in your face i might not notice it. I also have a dog cat and kitten and i adore them. Personally that really helps me and i even know which breed dog we will get next. Don't fight the thankful feelings if you don't feel thankful. I am honest with my feelings - if im jealous i let myself feel it. Then later when i feel guilty for it i just let myself feel guilty; im hoping by going through the emotions its more healthy long term?

[Missyf73 in reply to SuWu]

That's really helpful I'm tired hiding my true feelings it's exhausting, I'm going to try mindfulness to see if it helps me feel a bit more positive 😊

[BRhb]

Hello I've been reading posts on this site for several months but only recently felt ready to reply. Myself and my husband started trying later in life - I was 38 - due to meeting later in life as we are both divorced. We tried with no success and after lots of tests all the doctors could tell us was "it was unexplained" - they could not find a reason. We couldn't get IVF due to our age and we chose not to fund it ourselves again due to our age. Starting IVF over 40 also scared me to death - I thought people would judge me! It was a difficult decision and at times I really felt I couldn't cope. I bottled my feelings up and only discussed the situation with 3 friends - not even family. I didn't find it helped talking to friends as I always just felt they didn't really understand and sometimes they would say things that I probably took the wrong way. I don't even think my husband really understands as he does have children from his previous marriage. We considered adoption and after our 1st interview was placed on a waiting list - only to be told after a year of waiting- we were not suitable because my husband doesn't have a relationship with 1 of his children! (not all his choice). He has an excellent relationship with the other 1.

I did go through a period of seeing a counsellor which I funded myself. She didn't specialise though. I could not find a counsellor for this situation only for failed IVF. This made me feel even more alone and angry in a way that there are not more services out there.

I went through a stage of avoiding my friends/family babies/kids. But as time has gone on I realised that this meant I would miss out altogether not only been a mum, but an auntie/god mum/grandma to my husband's grandchildren etc.

All I can say is take each day as it comes. Do what you feel is right at the time. And believe me time does heal - it does get easier - although not totally.

[Missyf73 in reply to BRhb]

Thank you so much for your honesty, I completely understand how you feel there is literally no support available. Putting on a face can be really hard, I am currently feeling as if people expect me to just get over it, this makes it even more difficult & I find myself hiding my true feelings. I can be fine one day & then "boom" the slightest thing can put me down. I work in a nursery surrounded by children, pregnant woman & staff (all female) talking about children. At times I feel really lonely, I'm just trying to focus on "this will get better" but it can be really hard. One day at a time. X