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Feeling frustrated about being unable to conceive and the judgement of others

So, this is my first post regarding my infertility journey. The only people that know about my position are my husband, one friend and the infertility clinic.

My hubby and I have been trying for our first child pretty much since we got married four years ago. We have gone through many investigations and procedures and I have been diagnosed as having PCOS and my husband had a varicocele (a type of varicose vein in the testicle) which he has undergone surgery for.

Since starting our journey I've started to feel so inadequate and like my body just can't do what it's supposed to do. Both my sister in laws got pregnant at the same time (one by accident), several of my friends have become pregnant and had their babies, one sister in law had another baby (again by accident), someone at work got pregnant (of course again by accident) and now I am stuck at work doing all her work alongside my own while she's off enjoying motherhood.

To top it all off I also have 2 other friends who constantly moaned about being infertile. But wait....they already both have 1 child each. Now I'm not saying they don't have a right to be upset in their own way, but I just feel too sorry for myself and my own childless situation to lend any sympathy to them. One of these ladies has since fallen pregnant and now I have to put up with listening to her talk all about it. My other friend can't stand it because of her situation, but I just sit in silence because I haven't discussed it with any of my friends (except 1 who went through IVF and was in the same boat), and I don't really want to talk about it with them, because I know they will just make the situation about them. I also haven't told any family. I just want to keep it private between me and my husband as much as possible.

To top it off over these years I have constantly been asked when I am going to have kids. This dramatically increased when we moved and all I heard was 'ooh this would make a nice nursery' or 'plenty of room for kids to run around in the garden' and of course I just let it slide but I was just left in floods of tears every time. One of my sister in laws also can't help but constantly enquire about when I'm gonna have kids and when her kids are gonna get cousins, and I just laugh it off and walk away. But what I want to do is shout at her, tell her to mind her own business and storm off. The last time she did it was on Christmas day...i was broken. It's hard enough without someone bringing it up. I know I haven't told people my situation...but hey please use a bit of common sense and don't vocalise your stupid questions. I have never and would never question anyone about when they are going to have children, and the thought of doing it makes me feel uncomfortable, disrespectful and rude. I'm just sick of being interrogated. I wish they would all just stop!

Maybe it's just me but I'm just sick if it all. The constant questions, other people thinking they are in a bit situation when they have no idea of mine...i just want to scream.

Sorry, I just had to vent. That's 4 years worth of pent up frustration coming out. I could give you more but I fear you've already stopped reading the long list of moans.

If you're in a similar situation I'd like to discuss it, I'm hoping this might help me finally find some sense of peace on the matter (or at any rate not feel as much of a failure as I do)

Thanks for listening xxx

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It’s been 2.5 years for us. But our journey officially ended a couple of months ago. I know how it feels when everyone falls pregnant & you’re left heart broken. And the questions! Omg. SHUT UP FFS! I’ve entered a whole new section of my grief & becoming really angry about it all right now. Anyway you are not alone & we all really really do understand!

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Thank you for replying katybetter. It's just such a difficult situation to deal with and I feel like I'm going through it all on my own. My husband doesn't really understand what I'm going through, it's just different for the woman. I just have the constant maternal urge and I can't get past it. My emotions and hormones are all over the place.

I'm sorry for what you're going through. I know from experience there are no words that can make you feel better, but I will give you the figurative silent nod and smile from across the room that says 'I get it...It's f-ing sh*t'

I hope for a light at the end of the tunnel but in my heart of hearts I know deep down I'll never fulfil that aching emptiness at the bottom of my heart. And I suppose sadly I think that's me coming to terms with it and some sort of closure. I just wish people could make it easier and, you know stop with the questions. Who's business is it but ours anyway? I just want my wounds to heal and not be ripped open at some busy body's whim

Xx

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Dear BlossomGarden

Much love to you and your husband right now. Our own story has some similarities, particularly the incessant questioning of others.

Always remember you have a health condition as does your husband, and an effect of those conditions (probably amongst others) is sub/ infertility.

If modern medicine sought to treat these conditions as effectively as possible and restore you to health then A) you'd be more healthy! and B) you would hopefully be able to conceive naturally and have your baby.

Instead we are offered bypasses to our causes of sub/infertility (ie IVF), with all the issues they present, or we are just ignored and told to basically "get over it".

Sub/infertility is a devastating life changing condition and requires a lot more support, care, and intervention than "just move on"!!

You're right in that others don't understand - everyone here does and without doubt send you their love.

Also I'm know you're husband will be hurting badly, like most of us men he probably just doesn't know what to do and perhaps is trying to be "strong" for you

There was a link to a FB group for men posted last week, I think, and groups like that may be a great support to him.

In any cases this is a long and painful journey but not one you need to take alone. Please keep posting here and take it one day at a time. I'd suggest avoiding those who cause you pain, it's far too raw right now to put yourself through that,

Its so difficult to discuss with family, we know from personal experience, but I think you need to choose one person and tell them there's issues and you'd like everyone to back off right now while you go through it all.

Lastly, you are not in any way a failure, please never ever think that. You have a health condition which effects what you're body can/ can't do. Same for your husband. That means your a mere human being, it's just our conditions are often silent and don't give the obvious challenges of other disabilities.

The challenges are no less real, perhaps greater in many ways, and we deserve respect and affirmation. I hope groups like this will lead to a change in attitudes in our society towards people like us.

In the meantime - be good to yourself and love your husband to the moon and back!!!!!

Take care

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Hi Infertility-hurts,

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to my post and for your words of support and understanding.

I'm comforted by the fact that it's not just me going through this, although I wish it was different for both us, and you and your wife. I have found your words so helpful. It can be so hard to put in to words just how it feels to be in this situation. But the main one I feel is I suppose feeling helpless.

I hope I didn't come across as being negative towards my hubby. I love him very much and know that he would dearly love to have a family. However he is an overly positive person and doesn't seem to let it affect him in the way it affects me. I am jealous of this if anything and wish I could stay as positive about the situation as him (although I am aware this may be a front, not that he would ever admit it). I think had I not shielded him from the excruciating pain and torment of every negative pregnancy test (there have been hundreds...i wish I was exagerating) and every invasive procedure which have left me in floods of tears, things may be different. I do struggle with vocalising my feelings and do tend to internalise the way I feel until it all builds up to a point where I can't function anymore, which is a flaw in my personality, but we all deal with things in different ways. I'm definitely more of a stiff upper lip and don't let them see it bothers you to the outside world (sticks and stones and all that) and then have a melt down in private.

I will definitely consider discussing it with someone, or making certain people aware that it is something I would prefer not discussed, for the sake of my sanity if nothing else.

Thank you so much for listening to me i really appreciate it. All the best xx

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Thank you Blossom Garden, its so hard to share all this but I'd def suggest explaining and sharing as much as you can with your husband, in little by little steps.

I think professional counselling is also right, if you find the right counsellor.

Take care and much love again

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I'm so sorry you're suffering so much right now Blossom Garden. People can seem really insensitive when our feelings seem like they're constantly ready to overflow. I don't have particular advice other than to say take care of yourself, and please know that regardless of the outcome, you and your husband can have a beautiful and complete life together. My journey didn't have the traditional 'happy ending' (i.e. baby) but I have a beautiful life with my husband and I found peace and fulfilment. That's available to you too, (with your husband, though, mine's taken ;-) ) even if it doesn't feel like it right now.

Loads of love to you

Vivienne

x

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Thank you for your message Vivienne. It is really difficult and I suppose in my own way starting to get used to it, it's just going to take time to make peace with it all. Ha ha...your husband's safe, I'll work on getting our version of a happy ever after with my hubby 😀 xx

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